


Into the Perryverse

by CongressIsAliens



Series: The World Is Shit, Let’s Write Fic [12]
Category: Phineas and Ferb, Phineas and Ferb the Movie: Across the 2nd Dimension (2011)
Genre: (Platypus Perry is also here), (seriously how do you tag that), Abuse of the Fourth Wall, Action, Adventure, Alternate Dimensions, Alternate Universe, But today is for five guys and a platypus travelling through dimensions, Drama, Drum Corps Refrences, Dubious Science, Established Relationship, Fluff, Human Perry the Platypus (Phineas and Ferb), M/M, Multiverse, Not 2nd Dimension compliant, Not Canon Compliant, Remember there are 5 different Perrys in this, Romance, Slow Burn, Some days you want hard science, Trans Character, Warnings applied on a chapter-by-chapter basis, but also not really, this is rather confusing to write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:54:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 57,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24283171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CongressIsAliens/pseuds/CongressIsAliens
Summary: Doctor Doofenshmirtz has built another dimensional -inator, but this time, it backfires and now there are threemorePerrys (and a platypus?) in his lab.Will the Perrys be able to return to their dimensions before the inter-dimensional window is closed--forever?(Updates whenever Ifeel like itfinish a chapter)
Relationships: Heinz Doofenshmirtz/Perry the Platypus, Perry the Platypus & Perry the Platypus
Series: The World Is Shit, Let’s Write Fic [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1668385
Comments: 336
Kudos: 356





	1. Another Dimension-Related Scheme

**Author's Note:**

> Note on ages: All the Perry's (except the platypus) are 35. This is set in 2018 (so, modern tech but not modern pandemic).
> 
> This will be important (marginally) later on.
> 
> Perspective masterlist in the very end notes!

Perry slides into the seat in his lair, barely managing to shield himself from the books that fall after him. 

OWCA really needs to stop putting his entrances in bookshelves. They’re dangerous for everyone involved.

“Good morning, Agent P.” Perry nods in greeting. “Your mission today is of the utmost importance. It seems like Doctor Doofenshmirtz is building another dimension portal- and he’s making it sturdier this time.”

Perry remembers the last one- the one the boys crashed into with their giant shuttlecock. That day came very, very close to being his undoing. Thankfully, when Perry had gone to thwart it, he had managed to feign clumsiness, palm a critical piece to spoil Doofenshmirtz’s plans, then steer the boys away under the guise of lunch.

Thank god for Phineas’s short attention span. Today, the boys are building the coolest marble run ever, so they shouldn’t be interrupting again. 

“...and if you get sucked into another dimension, try to find the OWCA there, or maybe Doofenshmirtz. Get to it, Agent P!”

Perry snaps off a salute as the monitor winks off. He gathers the books up from the floor and puts them on a shelf in his lair. He’ll return them to the bookshelf in the Flynn-Fletcher household after his mission. 

He checks the fuel monitor on his jetpack and groans. Looks like he’s making a stop along the way.

Ten minutes later, he’s leaning against a pump at the gas station, waiting for his jetpack to finish fueling. 

This is what they don’t cover in training. Fueling your jetpack at a normal station because the pump at HQ is always broken. Trying not to attract attention, even though you’re  _ filling a jetpack at a gas station _ . 

He should really find a way to make it solar powered. Then he could leave it on Doof’s balcony to recharge while he thwarted him. But seeing as he has almost no mechanical knowledge, he’d have to consult the boys, and that would be hard to explain…

(He’d ask Doofenshmirtz, but he’d rather not have a self-destruct button on OWCA property. That just invites trouble.)

Speaking of Doofenshmirtz, he should get going. He disconnects the pump, closes the gas cap, and goes inside the little convenience store to pay. 

Five minutes later, he’s rolling through the open window of Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated, hearing the proximity alarm jingle go off. 

Why it’s a jingle is kind of a mystery to Perry. It’s rather amusing to see if he changes it for the scheme of the day.

Or strange phenomena, such as the “Doofenshmirtz Isn’t Illuminated” in last year’s blackout.

Either way, he stands quickly triggering a net to come down and trap him. 

“A-ha!” Right on cue, there’s Doof. “Perry the Platypus, how utterly surprising! And by surprising, I mean completely...prising? That doesn’t really work, does it? Oh well.”

He sighs. “I bet you’re wondering why I’ve built another dimension related -inator, huh?”

At Perry’s blank stare, he continues. “Well, when I was doing research for  _ another  _ -inator, I came across a pretty nifty fact. Every five hundred years, or so, the dimensions all come into alignment, and only for a few days. Pretty cool, right?”

Perry considers this. The whole scheme smells like disaster, of metaphorical crap just waiting to hit the fan. He motions for Doofenshmirtz to go on. At least it’ll be amusing.

“Anyway, I built this device, the Dimension Reach-inator, to bring  _ me _ from four other dimensions here to this one. With five of me, I’ll certainly be able to take over the Tri-State Area!”

Perry raises an eyebrow, discreetly sawing open the net behind his back. 

“All I need is a bit of DNA…”

Perry springs from the trap. The chase is on. Despite how interesting it would be to see five Doofs trying to take over, he still has a job to do.

Their fight is quick. A roundhouse kick or two, and Doof is stumbling back towards the -inator. He manages to get one leg hooked around Perry’s, and they’re tumbling over the floor, Perry landing most of the hits.

At one point, Perry’s forearm gets nicked by a loose screw dangerously close to the DNA port’s entrance, staining another perfectly good shirt. 

Heinz misjudges a punch, hitting the -inator behind Perry and causing it to shake and glow iridescent blue. 

“Look at that, Perry the Platypus! It worked!” He rushes over to examine the machine, Perry close behind him. 

“It must have not needed any DNA at all. Strange.”

Perry looks up at where the dish was pointing and gulps. It used some DNA, for sure. Just...not Heinz’s. 

The dish spins wildly on its axis, eventually pointing somewhere behind Perry. Doofenshmirtz looks over at where it points, bewilderment in his eyes.

“I don’t get it. There’s supposed to be me’s from other dimensions standing right here. What are you looking at, Perry?”

Perry merely points over Doofenshmirtz’s shoulder.

He pivots, following Perry's finger, then takes a step back.

“Perry? Who are these people who look exactly like you?”


	2. Lots Of Me

Perry takes a closer look at the small group standing behind Doofenshmirtz. There’s a cyborg, who seems frozen in place. Half of the man’s face is plated in metal, with a red mechanical eye in place of one of his human ones. Both of his arms, one up to the elbow, the other up to the shoulder are mechanical, with gears whirring inside. Perry suspects he has more metal parts hidden under his dark clothing.

Next to him, there’s a man wearing only a towel, dripping water all over the floor. He blinks a few times, perhaps blaming his current predicament on water in his eyes. What a horrible situation. To be thrown into another dimension straight out of a shower. His chest is covered in scars just like Perry’s, with only two missing. (Perry’s favorites, if one can have favorite scars.)

On the other side of the cyborg, a third, well dressed man sits on the floor, clutching a red pen tight to his chest. He hesitantly reaches up to adjust the black-rimmed glasses on his nose. His single stud earring glimmers in the sunlight, a stark contrast to the rest of the put-together formal clothes he wears. 

And all three of them have the same shade of teal hair that Perry does. 

There’s also a platypus sitting on the floor, its wall-eyed stare clearly hiding something. Even the platypus has the same shade of teal fur, which has got to be dyed. And yet, this is Danville. Stranger things, like  _ four beings manifesting out of nowhere _ , have happened.

Heinz mentioned bringing four others of himself into this dimension- this platypus must be the fourth Perry.

Perry shakes himself out of his mildly stunned shock. (What a day it’s been. And it’s only two PM.) He’s pretty sure he knows exactly who these people are, but it can’t hurt to ask. Just in case.  _ Who are you people? _

_ Perry Fletcher _ , the well dressed man signs. 

The man in the towel’s eyebrows shoot up.  _ My name is Perry Fletcher too. _

The platypus stands on his hind legs and pulls an OWCA fedora out of nowhere. That loopy, vacant expression from before certainly held a secret, one quite familiar to Perry. From the black-banded hat, he produces a business card, which reads  _ Agent Perry The Platypus _ . 

Perry takes it, noting that the cards from the platypus’s dimension are made from the exact same cheap cardstock as his. He wonders offhandedly if the animal agents get paid the same as the human ones do in this dimension.

The cyborg stares at the ground. “My first name is Perry,” he murmurs, barely above a whisper, “but I can’t remember my last name.”

Well, there’s at least one universe where Perry can speak. His voice has a thick Scottish accent to it, almost slurring the words together.

Perry’s eyes widen.  _ I think this means your Dimension Reach-inator worked,  _ he signs to Doofenshmirtz, _ because my name is also Perry Fletcher. _

Heinz groans. “Just my luck. I try to pull the alternate  _ me _ ’s from another dimension, and I get four more Perrys! Are  _ all  _ of you OWCA agents?”

At the mention of OWCA, the cyborg Perry visibly tenses up. Spikes erupt from one of his prosthetic hands, each one flecked with red. Everyone backs away several steps, or in the case of the well-dressed Perry, several scoots.

The well-dressed Perry puts his hands up in surrender, shaking his head.  _ I don’t even know what OWCA is. _

The original Perry cocks his head.  _ You don’t know? What do you even do for a living? _

Well-dressed Perry stands, pointing to the Danville Public Schools badge clipped to his front pocket.  _ I teach ASL at Danville High.  _ If Perry hadn’t joined OWCA, he’d certainly have done something with ASL, and teaching seems logical. Still, JOWCA got him through college, and once you were in for that long, you were basically an agent. _ What’s OWCA? _

Cyborg Perry lowers his arm, the spikes retracting. Even he seems confused at this turn of events. A universe where Perry isn’t an agent is a strange universe indeed.

Platypus Perry stares.  _ The Organization Without a Cool Acronym, also known as the only secret agency on the planet where every agent is an animal.  _

It’s the original Perry’s turn to stare.  _ What? They stopped doing the animal thing almost fifty years ago. Mostly because animals are kind of a pain. _

The platypus, despite being a platypus, looks both thoroughly unimpressed and slightly offended. 

_ Sorry. _

_ So, _ the teacher signs,  _ OWCA is a secret agency, and all of you work for them in your respective dimensions. _

This time, it’s the Perry robot’s turn to look offended. He shakes his head. “Not anymore,” he practically spits. “I work for my version of him.” He points at Heinz.

Doofenshmirtz looks up from where he’s messing with the -inator. “I have Perry the Platy...borg working for me in your dimension? Sweet! How did that happen?”

The Platyborg smiles, the human side of his face turning up in a truly frightening grin. “You didn’t do it. My Heinz did.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, but how?”

“Do you think I want competition?” A flicker of something crosses his face, but it’s gone before Perry can tell just what it is. “Besides. This  _ perfection  _ took a while." 

Each of the other Perrys look at each other in horror. The thought of being turned into  _ that,  _ slowly but surely, by someone they’re _ close with _ , is horrifying. The thought of being proud of it? Even worse.

“Oh, and you can call me Perryborg. Given as I’ll be reporting back to Master Doofenshmirtz on the existence of multiple dimensions, and you’ll be under his rule soon enough, you might as well start following me.”

“Nuh-uh,” Heinz speaks up. “My dimension, my rules.” He pauses. “You know, I’ve always wanted to say that. Well, maybe not  _ exactly _ , but you get the gist.”

Perryborg and Heinz stare each other down. Neither one seems to be in the mood to back off. The other Perrys share awkward glances. Is there going to be a fight? Perry puts one hand on his watch, ready to call in backup from OWCA just in case.

The Perry in the towel claps his hands, both getting everyone’s attention and diffusing the tension.  _ Not to intrude, but does anybody have spare clothes? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't _not_ name this chapter Lots of Me.


	3. Ok, But Seriously, What Are We Gonna Do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where all the dubious science starts.

Everyone looks over at the Perry still wearing a towel.  _ Seriously. At least a pair of pants.  _

Heinz breaks his staring contest with Perryborg. “I have some clothes you can borrow. Follow me.”

That Perry follows Heinz down to the apartment, leaving the other four to stand in the lab and stare at each other. 

For a long moment, nobody speaks. (Or signs, for that matter.)

The first person to break the silence, metaphorically speaking, is the teacher.  _ So, any ideas on getting home? _

Perry shrugs. Breaking the laws of dimensional science isn’t exactly a field he’s an expert in. (That title would go to his criminal justice degree.)

Apparently, none of the other Perrys know either. The platypus shrugs as well, looking around at the lab. Perry follows his gaze, appraising the piles of wire and metal bits with a critical eye. 

For all his bravado and bluster, Perryborg stays silent, his hands on his hips, glaring at all of them. All brawn and no brains, it seems. Perry rolls his eyes. 

The platypus starts to rifle through his hat. He pulls out a few lockpicks, a cheese sandwich, and several dozen scarves, all tied together. 

Platypus Perry sits down on the floor, still pulling scarves out of his hat like a magic trick. The Platyborg sighs and crosses his arms in clear disapproval. 

Perry decides to go investigate the -inator. That might give them a clue to how to get the others home. 

This -inator (Did Doofenshmirtz even say what it was called? No, no he didn’t.) is twice as complex as anything else he’s seen Heinz build. He must have been working on this one on the side for a long time. 

Or he stayed up for three days in a row and built it all at once. With Heinz, either is possible. 

There’s a self destruct button, but Perry doesn’t press it. He’s not sure how it would affect the rest of the Perrys, and he doesn’t want to try without knowing the effects. 

He looks down at his arm. The scratch has long since stopped bleeding, thankfully. His eyes linger on his watch and its Call Headquarters button. 

Monogram would flip out over this. Four Perrys- two of them agents, possibly three based on Perryborg’s fighting stance- aren’t exactly something you see every day. All of the Perrys together could be a rather formidable fighting force.

Something tells him he shouldn’t. Perryborg’s adverse reaction to the mention of OWCA, as well as the unwillingness to drag an innocent him into all of this spurs him to take off the watch and disable the mic. Just in case. 

He doubts that anyone was listening in, given that a major evil conference is taking place in Seattle and the majority of the agents are there. 

Perry wonders why Doofenshmirtz hadn’t gone to that. Usually, he’s roaring with excitement to go to one. Perhaps he just forgot- the scientist does have a tendency to forget things. Like, his keys, birthdays, occasionally food. Maybe he lost track of time while he was building the dimensional -inator. Stranger things have happened. 

Like four more of him appearing. In all his years in OWCA, he’s never come across something as crazy as this. 

Yeah, training didn’t prepare him for meeting his...himselves from other dimensions. 

The platypus churrs in annoyance. Perry looks back to see him still pulling yard after yard of silk scarf out of his hat. 

The Perryborg has a mildly amused smile on his face, but it turns back into a scowl when he realizes someone is looking. 

_ Is there a bathroom around here?  _ The teacher asks. 

_ Yeah, down in the apartment.  _ Perry snaps his fingers.  _ Let’s go downstairs, everyone. _

The three Perrys follow him down the stairs, the platypus carrying what has to be pounds of multicolored scarf in his arms. The Perryborg steps on the end of the scarves, prompting the platypus to glare at him. 

Perry huffs and motions for them to separate, which they do. 

Down in the apartment, Heinz is sitting at the kitchen table, holding a glass of water. 

_ Second door on the left,  _ Perry signs, pointing down the hall. The teacher walks off, passing by the other Perry, who’s now wearing one of Heinz’s outfits. Lab coat and all. It’s ridiculously large on him, the sleeves almost covering his hands. 

He takes two steps and almost trips over the comically long pant legs.

Perry reaches into his hat and pulls out a few safety pins, a needle, and thread, handing them to the lab coat Perry once he reaches the table. The lab coat Perry sits down gets to work doing a slap job hemming his pant legs and sleeves. 

“Hey, you can’t do that,” Heinz protests. 

_ You got us into this mess, you can spare a pair of pants.  _

Heinz rolls his eyes. “Whatever.”

The platypus starts to shove the scarves back into his hat, but they don’t even begin to fit. Perry allows an amused smile to flit over his face. 

Everyone watches each other. The kitchen is so quiet they can hear the running of the tap in the bathroom down the hall. The tension in the room could be cut with the laser on Perry’s watch.

Teacher Perry walks into the room, drying his hands on his pants. He raises an eyebrow at the pile of scarves on the floor, stepping around them to lean against the kitchen counter. 

_ So do we have a way home?  _ He asks. 

Heinz shrugs. “I have a few ideas, anybody else got anything?”

Perryborg sighs. “You’re the one who brought us here, you’re the one that’s going to get us home.”

Much as he hates to admit it, Perry has to agree that Perryborg has a point. Heinz is likely the only one in the room, maybe the Tri-State Area who has the ability to get everyone back. 

“Alright, fine. We’re going to have to build a vehicle that can traverse dimensions- a car will work best, outfit it with some sort of dimensional GPS system, I’ve got a few ideas- and drop everybody off in their dimension.”

_ We can’t just go back the way we came?  _ The teacher asks.

“No, that would expose you to too much radiation. You could literally burn to a crisp. The only reason you didn’t before is because I was able to put up a barrier to bring you in.”

_ And you can’t just put up another one?  _ The lab coat Perry signs. 

“I would, but it would take eight million gigawatts of electricity. Per person. Maybe less for the platypus, but still a lot. Flow of dimensional energy and all that makes it harder to go back. The whole Tri-State Area doesn’t have anywhere close to that capacity in its power grid.”

_ Then how are we going to be fine in this interdimensional car?  _ Perry asks.

“Well, that’s easy, the car acts as an insulator against the heat, which is what all the electricity would do.”

Everyone considers this.  _ How fast can we get back? _ Teacher Perry asks. 

“Well, we have about three days from now before the dimensions close and we’re stuck in a dimension forever. So under three days.”

_ If it’s our only way home, _ platypus Perry signs.  _ I’m in.  _

_ Same here,  _ lab coat Perry signs. Teacher Perry gives a thumbs-up. 

Perryborg shrugs. “I guess I’ll go along too.”

“Perry?”

_ Let me tell my family and call in first.  _

“It’ll take a while to build the car- we’ll probably be ready to go tomorrow morning.”

Perry nods.  _ Sounds good. I’ll be back at seven AM, if that’s okay? _

“Yeah, that’s probably good.” Heinz stands up and claps his hands. “Let’s get ready for an interdimensional road trip.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a [playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLnP6IzCM900xCWSTWkRpogU82j0IMCiYl) for the songs I put in the background as I wrote. 
> 
> (NOT in order, NOT revealing plot points, just songs I put in the background. AKA My Music Taste In One Playlist)


	4. Quirky Worky Song

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now for something completely different- let's see what platypus Perry is thinking! 
> 
> (The rest of this fic will bounce around between perspectives so if you're ever confused, send me a comment!)

As the original Perry flies away, everybody else looks at each other. Perry looks up at the people surrounding him, marvelling at the fact that the rest of the... hims are human. (Except for Perryborg. He has no idea what’s going on with that guy. He might be human, but he might also be an actual robot.)

He supposes that they feel weirder, knowing that there’s a universe where they’re a platypus.

“Well, you heard me,” Heinz says. “I’ll get to work on some blueprints.”

The Perrys nod. Heinz grabs some blueprint paper from the counter and starts to draft, muttering something about electricity and storage space. 

Perry picks up a handful of the scarves, the hat still connected. They’re certainly made of a nice material, they might be useful for something. A tent, maybe a sail like when his boys had flown around the world in a day. 

He’ll have to disconnect the scarves from this stupid hat first. They just keep going, where are they even coming from?

He sits on the floor next to where the teacher is standing and starts to separate the scarves, untying them and folding them up in tidy piles by color. 

The teacher sits down on the mildly sticky floor next to Perry.  _ Need any help? _

Perry gestures towards the scarves still sitting in a pile on the floor.  _ Go ahead. _

The teacher picks up the end of the scarf rope and starts to pick apart the knots, handing the scarves to Perry to fold.

The Perry wearing Heinz’s clothes leaves the table and sits down on Perry’s other side.  _ Can’t stand it _ , he signs, gesturing towards where Perryborg and Heinz are bickering over something. 

Perry rolls his eyes. Sounds about right, from what he’s seen. Perryborg is kind of a jerk, Heinz is...just like the one from his dimension. Kind of clueless, brilliant at heart. 

He looks back down at the scarves in his paws. Carefully folding, he turns one into a rather floppy airplane and shows it to the teacher. 

Not to be outdone, teacher Perry folds one into what seems to be a crude lion. The Perry on his other side picks up another scarf and folds it into one of those fortune tellers that the boys are always bringing home. 

Heinz slams his hand against the wooden table, causing Perry to jump up and throw his fedora onto his head. On his right, the Perry wearing Heinz’s clothes springs to his feet, reaching for a fedora that isn’t there.

“I will not be adding weapons to this, not even for protection, thank you very much!” Heinz stands up and points a finger at Perryborg. “I don’t care what you are, the rest of us aren’t bloodthirsty metal monstrosities like you! You’re a horrible abomination of a Perry and you’ve caused nothing but  _ trouble _ since you’ve been here. Get out of my sight.”

For the briefest of moments, there’s an expression of terror on Perryborg’s face. It’s almost instantly replaced with one of barely-repressed anger, Perryborg snapping a salute with startling intensity. 

The rest of the Perrys make awkward eye contact as Perryborg stomps up the stairs.

_ What was that? _ The Perry in Heinz’s lab coat signs. 

Perry shrugs. It’s rather uncharacteristic of Heinz to blow up at someone, although it’s not like Perryborg didn’t deserve it. He could use the tumble from his high horse.

_ I don’t know _ , the teacher signs.  _ We should let them both cool off a bit before we try to find out, though. _

Looking up, Perry sees Heinz sit back down, shaking his head. He returns to the blueprints, the pen in his hand shaking almost imperceptibly. 

Perry sits back on the floor, unfolding the airplane and turning it into a simple square like the other scarves. 

That’s how he passes the next hour. Folding up the seemingly endless scarves, stacking them into neat piles sorted by color. After about ten minutes, the Perry in the lab coat finishes his sewing and helps him and the teacher out.

Finally, Heinz puts down his pen and stands up. “I’m going to go apologize to Perryborg, then we can start building.” All three Perrys nod. 

At least he’s going to apologize. 

Heinz turns and walks up the stairs. Perry pulls one more scarf out of the hat, surprised when it doesn’t pull another with it. 

He peers into the bottom of the hat. Looks like that’s it, thank god. It must have just been a plot device to keep him occupied.

There’s some building noises coming from upstairs. Perry places his hat on his head and sneaks up the stairs.

Heinz is already hard at work building the dimensional car. It seems like he and Perryborg have made up, seeing as Perryborg is hauling around large pieces of material. 

“Thank you,” he says when Perryborg puts a large sheet of steel down on the ground.

Perry gestures back down the stairs for the teacher and the other Perry to come up. They do, their footfalls loud on the metal stairs. 

Heinz looks up from where he’s welding some metal together, flipping his face shield up. “Hey, could one of you get the hammer with the yellow handle out of the toolbox over there?”

The teacher nods and retrieves the hammer. “Thanks,” Heinz says. “I’m working on the body right now, will one of you go look at the blueprints and start working on the control panel? The  _ outer _ part, at least, I’ll do the electronics.” He wipes the sweat off his brow. “And if one of you, preferably one of the humans, could go get some groceries? We’ll need food for the trip.”

_ I’m on it, _ the teacher signs, and turns to go down the stairs. 

“Oh, and my wallet’s on the counter, you’ll probably want to use money from  _ this _ dimension,” he adds. Teacher Perry flashes a thumbs-up, then goes back down the stairs. 

Perry looks up at the Perry in the lab coat.  _ We might as well start looking at those blueprints.  _

Lab coat Perry nods.  _ I’ve been reverse-engineering some of the boy’s inventions, between the two of us I think we can figure this out. _

They look across the lab at Perryborg, who’s picking up more pieces of metal. The tell-tale sound of welding echoes around the lab.

Perry takes a look at the blueprint. It looks fairly straightforward. Lab coat Perry looks over it for a few seconds before going to find the materials. 

Heinz had mentioned something about a dimensional GPS system. He’s pretty good at coding, maybe he could get a start on that. He grabs a laptop from a lab bench and opens it. Thankfully, it looks like he’ll be able to program on this one. 

The day passes by as they work. The main body of the car (really, it looks more like a plane without wings) slowly takes shape, and lab coat Perry works on what needs to be done for the interior. 

They still find time to share about their lives. Perry shares his stories of being a mindless pet with his owners and a top secret agent with Monogram. Between his trips to the hardware store, teacher Perry tells hilarious stories of his students, prompting even Perryborg to laugh. Lab coat Perry shares an anecdote of his times thwarting his own Doofenshmirtz that spurs a lively discussion of fighting techniques. 

The only person that doesn’t share very much is Perryborg, leaving Perry to suspect he’s an actual robot. He goes remarkably quiet when anybody brings up Phineas and Ferb, instead choosing to focus more on holding things up for Heinz to weld together.

Soon, the smells of dinner start to waft up the stairs. Teacher Perry has been cooking something for the past half-hour, and Perry realizes that he’s actually pretty hungry. 

He’s mostly done with the base code for the DPS (Dimensional Positioning System). A few books on dimensional science lay open around him. He’s pretty sure that he’s got an idea of what needs to be done- it’ll only take a few hours to implement it. 

Of course, anything could change once they get out into the dimensional space. That’s what the rudimentary AI is for. 

Teacher Perry comes up the stairs.  _ Dinner time, everyone, _ he signs before turning right back around. Perry saves his work and walks down the stairs, followed closely by Perryborg and lab coat Perry. Heinz finishes the last of his work and makes his way downstairs a few minutes later. 

Five places are set at the small kitchen table. Chairs have been dragged in from somewhere. 

At four of the places, there’s some sort of chicken and rice thing with vegetables. At the fifth one, there’s some sort of brownish-grey thing. 

_ I looked up what platypuses eat, _ the teacher offers in way of explanation.  _ It’s worms and insects.  _

Perry grins and eagerly takes his place at the table. Usually stuff like this is a treat at home (mostly because Candace doesn’t like creepy-crawlies). 

The rest of the Perrys give him odd looks, but they all take their places as well. 

_ You know, I had to use the desktop to look that up,  _ Teacher Perry signs,  _ and you have the exact same background as the Heinz from my dimension. Same password too, actually. _

Heinz quirks an eyebrow. “Hey, that’s cool. Wait, why were you on my computer?”

_ Apparently cell phones from other dimensions don’t work in this one. At least, I couldn’t connect to data. _

“I guess that makes sense.”

Nobody else speaks or signs, dousing the table in awkward silence. Then Perry mentions an invention of Phineas and Ferb’s that he never got to see, and the conversation starts up again. 

After dinner, they all rush back up to the lab to keep working. Heinz and Perryborg finish the outer shell, then start work on the engine. The Perry in the lab coat wires up headlights and taillights, then gets to work on an emergency generator. Teacher Perry gets things ready for the trip, packing up food and tools. 

By one AM, the car is mostly finished, save for the DPS. The rest of the Perrys and Heinz head downstairs to get some sleep, leaving Perry to sit up in the dim lab and program.

He finishes the last of the code just barely before he passes out over the laptop, hitting save as his eyelids droop. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Love Handel reunion day and also happy birthday Vanessa!


	5. Deserved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now We Don't Have Time To Unpack All Of That: The Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW's for mentioned torture and abuse

Perryborg slumps over in the closet. He’s exhausted, but he can’t sleep. The smell of machine grease and rust is almost overwhelming, but he’s been through worse. He flexes his fingers, the pistons moving much slower than normal. 

He brought this upon himself. When everyone was deciding who would sleep where, Heinz took his room, the Perry in the lab coat took the couch, and the teacher took the spare room. He didn’t speak up, he just picked up a blanket and found a closet to hole up in. 

To tell the truth, it reminds him of home. Sure, he has a whole suite of rooms in Doofenshmirtz’s building back in his dimension, but he prefers any tiny space buried deep within the building. The cramped darkness in a dusty broom closet is almost like a comforting blanket. 

And there aren’t cameras to watch him as he sleeps, nothing to record the constant nightmares that plague his unconscious mind. Dreams of agents crying out for their families as they die beneath his hands, night terrors where faceless creatures experiment on his limbs. 

Besides, he deserves to be in here. He’s been nothing but a _jerk_ all day, a complete ass to the people who showed him nothing but respect and kindness. He just _had_ to insist on some sort of weaponry. 

He was just trying to protect them- really, he was. 

Perryborg pulls the blanket over himself, curling into a ball. Why does he have to be such a jerk? Why doesn’t he know when to stop? Why can’t he just-

Is that a light? He turns to his left, slowly as to not make a sound. 

A pair of glowing eyes, accompanied by a large grin, stares back at him. 

“Hello?” Perryborg whispers, slowly extending the spikes on his right hand. They stick as he pushes them out, and he has to hit his hand against the floor to get them to go all the way out.

“Hi, I’m Norm!” the other occupant of the closet says. 

_Norm_ . Perryborg jolts. This dimension’s Doofenshmirtz has a Norm-bot too. If he has one, what keeps him from doing the things his Doofenshmirtz has done? What keeps him from _experimenting_ on the other Perrys? In fact, he’s probably doing that _now_ , using the Norm-bot to keep him here. He has to warn the others- he has to get them out- he has to get them out _now_ -

He launches himself towards the door, reaching for the knob. His left hand doesn’t behave, refusing to move. 

Perryborg’s heart goes cold. Again, he attempts to reach out, but again, his arm won’t move. He tries to reach out with his right, but it stalls with a whine. Another attempt ends when the arms send sparks of pain up and down his body. His robotic leg freezes up as well, forcing Perryborg to lean against the wall to stay on his feet. 

Doofenshmirtz must be doing this. It’s his favorite punishment back home, locking Perryborg’s limbs and adjusting his pain receptors, then _leaving_. Leaving him to struggle to stay upright. Leaving him to topple over, practically blacking out from the pain of falling.

The Norm-bot stands up, unplugging his own power cord. “Who are you?”, he asks in an incessantly cheerful voice. 

Perryborg narrows his eyes. He may not be able to move, but he can still speak, and he knows almost all the access codes to the Norm-bots. 

“Bot, stand down,” he announces in the steadiest voice he can muster. When the robot takes a step forwards, his eyes go wide and his heart beats faster. “Command unknown. What do you mean by stand down?” the robot asks. 

“Activate protocol 93A,” Perryborg says. 

The Norm-bot takes another step forwards. “Command unknown.” Again, he takes another step, the floor shaking under his metal shoes.

Perryborg shakes his head, holding up the arm that’s only metal below the elbow in a weak attempt to block any blows aimed at him. Doofenshmirtz must have found out about his hiding, this must be a new punishment. Designed on his fear of the machines he commands, designed to push him back into the areas covered in cameras. 

Another floor-shaking step forwards. Perryborg can feel himself trembling, afraid of what might happen. Mentally, he runs through every weapon he knows the Norm-bots have. Ion cannons that could reduce him to dust, EMP blasters that could fry his limbs for good. Not to mention the blades and chainsaws and knives and-

The door to the closet opens. It’s Doofenshmirtz, he’s sure of it. Coming in to take him away, to shock obedience into him. Perryborg does his best to get away from the door, but he ends up falling on the floor. He turns away, not willing to see who it is.

But nothing happens. No yelling, nothing being thrown. Only a thick silence, covering him like a suffocating blanket.

A knock sounds on the doorframe. A question, waiting for an answer. 

Perryborg looks up. It’s just the teacher. He’s in a different dimension, he’s not at home. He fell over for _nothing_. What an idiot.

“What?” he asks. He intends for it to be tough, but it ends up coming out more like a whimper. 

_Is Norm being a nuisance? I know he’s a pain in my dimension. Norm, go charge._

The Norm-bot backs away, stirring the dust up on the floor and sits back down in his corner to plug himself back in. The teacher sneezes loudly, making Perryborg flinch. 

If the teacher notices, he doesn’t say anything. 

After a few excruciating seconds, the teacher brings his hands up to sign. _Would you like to sleep in a...different closet? An uninhabited one?_

Perryborg’s eyes flit over to the Norm-bot in the corner, and he nods. He stands up- or at least he tries to. His human leg crumples underneath him, and he falls back to the floor.

 _Do you want help?_ The teacher asks. Perryborg shakes his head. He doesn’t need help. He’s perfectly fine on his own, thank you very much. 

The teacher raises his eyebrow, but says nothing, only watching as Perryborg’s attempts to pick himself up fail over and over. 

He can feel his jaw clenching in frustration. His face heats up in embarrassment as he fails yet again to get up off the floor. 

The teacher knocks on the doorframe again, getting his attention. _Are your limbs frozen?_ He signs. 

Perryborg stops short. He nods numbly. How the hell does this high school teacher know what’s wrong with him? 

_It happens to Heinz’s arms all the time. I think I can fix it, do you want me to?_

Heinz?

Oh, he must be talking about the Doofenshmirtz from his own dimension. A Doofenshmirtz that also has robotic limbs. Something to think about later. Perryborg nods. 

Anything to get the use of his limbs back. 

_Let’s get you up to the lab, then._ The teacher kneels down next to him, putting one arm around his upper back and another under his knees. Perryborg does his best to stay in his arms as teacher Perry carries him to the lab. 

He lays Perryborg down on a table with more care than he probably deserves. He must have woken up at nearly two in the morning, and now he’s fixing Perryborg. 

And he hasn’t complained once. 

Perryborg vividly remembers the last time his limbs broke in his own dimension. It was nearly two AM by the time he had gotten back from the battlefield, and he had gone straight up to Doofenshmirtz’s rooms to wake him. 

Nobody had bothered to tell him anything about his own limb maintenance, so who else would do it? 

Doofenshmirtz had merely shoved him off, making him wait until the next morning to regain function over his hands. In the meantime, he had to sit on a balcony far away and watch as his arm rained down sparks over the city. 

As punishment, his pain sensors had been cranked up the whole time he was repaired. Every time he cried out in anguish, electrical shocks had raced up his spine and sent him through loops of shorted circuits and pain. 

That had not been a good day. 

But he deserved it. Actions have consequences.

The teacher returns from where he had been gathering tools. He’s smiling, but it’s not a frightening smile. It’s a warm and caring expression, completely unlike any of Doofenshmirtz’s. 

Perryborg decides to make some conversation as Perry sets out the tools. 

“When you were talking about Phineas and Candace and...Herb, earlier,” he starts, “why were you so...invested in them?”

 _It’s F-e-r-b,_ the teacher gently corrects, _and they’re my niece and nephews, practically my kids._

“Do you think they’re my niece and nephews too?”

_Yeah. Do you not remember them?_

Perryborg shakes his head. He doesn’t remember much more than he was a secret agent. And that’s because Doofenshmirtz keeps reminding him of that. 

“Do you have any pictures?”

_Yeah, but let me fix your limbs first._

Perryborg nods. “Okay.” The teacher picks up a screwdriver and a cloth. _Do you know where your pain management ports are?_

There it is. Perry is going to turn up his pain receptors until he can’t stand it. And he can’t even say he doesn’t deserve it. 

He attempts to point at the small spots at his wrists, but he remembers too late he can’t move his hands. 

The teacher winces. _Right._ He carefully picks up Perryborg’s left hand. 

After about a minute of examination, he points at a spot on Perryborg’s wrist. _Is this it?_ He signs with one hand. 

Perryborg nods. _Good. Wouldn’t want to hurt you._ He picks up the screwdriver again, carefully turning it. 

Inexplicably, his arm goes blissfully numb. He can barely feel the touches of the screwdriver as Perry probes at the exposed workings of his arm. He’d cry in relief if he still had tear ducts.

But he has to ask. “You didn’t turn it up?”

The teacher’s facial expression morphs to one of confusion. _Why would I do that?_

“I don’t know, I woke you up way too late, I need help, I treated you like garbage earlier, you’re not going to punish me?”

Perry sets down the screwdriver. _I_ _’m not going to punish you for needing help. Even if you were mean, I still wouldn’t do that._ He gets a thoughtful look on his face. _Does your Doofenshmirtz do that?_

Perryborg merely nods. His mind is awhirl. He deserves it, why isn’t Perry doing it?

_For now, I’m just going to let you know that’s abuse. We’ll talk more after I fix you up, since I can’t do both at the same time. Feel free to talk to me, though._

The teacher picks up another tool, one that Perryborg doesn’t recognize, and starts to tinker with something on Perryborg’s forearm. 

Abuse, huh? No, that’s just when it isn’t deserved. And Perryborg deserves it. Mistakes are not tolerable. 

He does his best to stay quiet as the teacher works on his arm, watching in fascination as he methodically works on his joints. He takes out a few of the gears and pistons, cleaning and oiling them, then replacing them. 

After about half an hour of work, he goes back to the pain port. Slowly, he turns his screwdriver about a half turn, then sets it down. _Try and move your arm._

Perryborg carefully turns his wrist, then opens and closes his hand. Everything functions near perfectly. 

Stunned, he looks up at the teacher’s gentle smile. “How-what-how did you…” he stammers in disbelief. 

_Just some gunked up gears._ He walks around to the other side of the table. _Let’s get the rest of you fixed, yeah?_

He nods, and the teacher picks the screwdriver back up, going to work on his other arm. This time, Perryborg watches intently, mentally cataloguing everything he does. 

Once Perry finishes with his arm, Perryborg picks up one of the tools. “I think I can do it.”

_You sure?_

He nods. 

_Promise you’ll call me if you need help, anything at all?_

Again, Perryborg nods. (He won’t.)

_Then I’m going to take the platypus downstairs and make some cocoa. I’ll be back soon._

Perryborg unzips the side of his pants to work on his leg. Thankfully, the replacement limb only goes up to just above the knee. 

Slowly, he unscrews and cleans out gears and pistons. What seems like a year’s worth of accumulated grit and dust ends up on the cloth he uses to clean out the pneumatics.

See, he can do it. 

He doesn’t bother to turn down the pain. At this point, he’s gotten used to everything hurting, what’s the point?

After what seems like hours (but really can’t be all that long, as there’s the teacher coming back up the stairs with two mugs), he’s regained the use of his leg. He sits up, dangling his legs over the edge of the table, and rests his elbows on his knees. 

The teacher comes up to the lab table where he’s still sitting and hands him a mug. He takes it carefully, not daring to spill the warm liquid inside. 

Perry sits down on the lab table next to him. The silence stretches out. 

Perryborg looks down at his drink. It’s probably cool enough to avoid burning his mouth, so he takes a sip. 

He’s never had this while he’s been the Platyborg, but it tastes familiar. An image of three happy children- one with green hair, one with orange, one with red- sledding down a mountain of snow pops into his mind. 

Yet as soon as it’s there, it’s gone. 

This isn’t even the first time it’s happened today. All the talk (could one even call it talk if nobody spoke?) of Phineas and Herb -no, Ferb- and Candace had pulled glimpses of the same children. Glimpses that threatened to send him spiraling into a closet, holing up and not coming out unless ordered. 

Then Doofenshmirtz had asked for something, and he delivered, and he forgot about it until someone said something. 

The teacher puts his mug down and taps on Perryborg’s shoulder. Perryborg looks over. 

_So how are things in your dimension?_

Perryborg raises an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

_I mean, what do you do in a typical day? What’s life like?_

Perryborg shrugs. “I don’t really do much. I wake up, sometimes I eat something, I go fight people, I mess up, I get punished, I go kill some people, I come home, I go to sleep. Repeat ad nauseum.”

At Perry’s horrified stare, he looks away. “It’s not that bad, really.”

Perry taps on his shoulder again, and he looks over. _I saw your expression when Heinz yelled at you earlier. There’s something you’re not telling me._

Yeah, there is. He glossed over everything. But he can’t. What would Perry think of him? (Answer: Perry would hate him. They’d think he’s even more of a freak, which he is. They’d leave him in a random dimension when they start off tomorrow. And he’d deserve it.)

“I don’t want to.” 

_You don’t have to._

“I don’t?” Perryborg can hardly believe his ears. “You’re not going to force me?”

_You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to._

Perryborg stares. This has to be some sort of trap. 

_Do you want to sleep in my closet? There’s no robots in it, I think._ He smiles. 

Perryborg nods, still a little dumbfounded. “I’d like that.”

Perry stands up. _Do you need help to walk?_

He slides off the lab table and takes a few unsteady steps, then shakes his head.

_Okay. I trust you._

They make their way down the stairs and to the spare room. Perry hands him a blanket, then he curls up in the closet. 

As he tries to make himself comfortable, he notices a small photograph that’s fluttered to the floor. Four people standing in front of a rock formation, one of them being teacher Perry. Underneath the others, names are written. 

The lights of the room go out, plunging the small closet into darkness. The night vision in his mechanical eye activates automatically.

Candace, a tall teen with orange hair. Phineas, a small boy with red, and Ferb, a slightly taller boy with green hair. Just like the three people he always saw in his mind’s eye. 

This must be his niece and his nephews. 

It’s hard to believe he has anybody. Anybody that loves him for who he is, not what he does. Wouldn’t that be nice? 

Soft sounds of breathing echo through the room. His enhanced ears go as far to detect snoring coming from another room. 

Everyone is asleep. 

Perryborg opens his mouth and starts to talk, telling everything to the darkness around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is easily the darkest chapter in the whole work. I promise things will get much better for Perryborg.


	6. Raring to Go

Perry stumbles into the kitchen, his hair sticking up everywhere, clothes rumpled, and dark bags under his eyes. A yawn nearly splits his jaw in half. He’d only managed to get two hours or so of sleep after Perryborg had drifted off, still mid-sentence. 

People certainly tend to pour their heart out when they think nobody is listening. In fact, laying there in the dark and keeping his breathing as steady as possible while listening to Perryborg describe his daily horrors was perhaps the hardest thing he’s ever done. 

(A lot more things make sense now, actually. Not to mention the poor man could use a hug or twelve.)

In the kitchen, the Perry in Heinz’s clothes sits at the kitchen table, clicking through something on a laptop. A brief glance into the living room reveals the platypus is still asleep on the armchair Perry put him on. 

Perry yawns again and stretches, glancing around the kitchen for the coffee maker. He finds it and starts it, watching as the liquid caffeine drips into the pot. 

As he waits for the coffee maker, he checks the time on his phone. Even if the data doesn’t work and he can’t figure out Heinz’s wifi password, the clock still functions. Six forty in the morning. The original Perry should be arriving in about twenty minutes, then they’ll all leave to find the next dimension. 

How they’re going to find their original dimensions is a bit of a mystery. Apparently there are  _ billions  _ of them. Although Perry’s pretty sure the platypus was working on a dimensional GPS type system, so maybe that will work. 

At least, that’s what he thinks it is, based on what little code he could understand when he had taken the platypus downstairs last night.

The Perry at the table huffs. Perry turns around just in time to see him attempt to push his chair back from the table, catch the edge of his lab coat under the chair leg, and tip backwards. 

Perry’s shoulders shake in silent laughter as the other Perry gets up off the ground, mouthing curse words. 

Perry raps his knuckles against the counter.  _ You okay? _ He signs when the other Perry looks over at him. 

That Perry rolls his eyes.  _ Just peachy.  _

_ This dimension keeps tripping you up? _

_ You could say that. _

The coffee maker beeps, and Perry pulls a random mug out of the cupboard to fill it. He attempts to take a sip, but only succeeds in burning the tip of his tongue. 

He sighs and puts the mug down. Looks like he’ll have to wait a bit to thoroughly wake up. Instead, he peers over at what’s on the screen. The Wikipedia article on the Cavaliers Drum and Bugle Corps (is that like a marching band? he wonders) is open on the screen.

The other Perry rights the chair and closes the laptop, then grabs his own mug of coffee.  _ Careful, it’s hot, _ Perry signs as the other man takes a sip, then nearly spits it back out. 

_ Thanks for telling me that before I tried it, _ lab coat Perry signs with a glare. He sets the mug down on the counter. 

_ Hey, not my fault.  _

_ I suppose. _

_ So what are the Cavaliers? _

Other Perry’s eyes light up.  _ Only the best drum corps ever, of course! _

Okay then. That makes sense to him, totally.  _ What’s drum corps?  _

_ Imagine the best marching bands in the world, all competing against each other over the summer. _

He considers this. It sounds interesting.  _ So you’re a part of this? _

_ Was. Aged out almost 15 years ago.  _ He pauses and makes a face.  _ God, I’m old.  _

Perry can relate to that. Working in a high school frequently reminds him about how young he isn’t.

_ Anyway, I marched four years, from 2001 to 2004.  _

_ What instrument did you play? _

_ Trumpet.  _ He grins.  _ I was quite a screamer in my heyday.  _

Perry raises an eyebrow.  _ Screamer? _

_ Playing really high and really loud. _

That makes sense. 

_ So what were you looking up?  _

_ Just looking at the scores from this dimension, seeing if it was any different.  _

Perry motions for him to go on.

_ Apparently, in this dimension, the Blue Devils won in 2004. They beat 007, can you believe that? _

Perry has no idea what he’s talking about. Maybe he’ll look it up when he gets home. 

_ Speaking of screaming, _ the other Perry continues, _ what was all the commotion with Norm last night? _

_ Perryborg got freaked out by Norm.  _

The other Perry huffs a laugh as he tests out his coffee again. It’s still way too hot.  _ Serves him right. Pompous prick. _

Perry winces, and not from the coffee.  _ Yeah...that’s a facade. _

Other Perry raises an eyebrow.  _ Facade? _

Perry takes a breath.  _ Frequently those who are abused at home find themselves faking confidence and picking on others.  _

When the other Perry says nothing, he continues.  _ It’s often part of the reason that bullying is a problem in schools. I see it all the time. _

The other Perry stays silent, thoroughly cowed. Perry picks up his coffee mug again and attempts to take a sip. It’s a marginally acceptable temperature now.

_ Sorry, _ he signs. 

_ Now you know.  _ Another thought occurs to him.  _ Try not to bring it up, okay? It’s a touchy enough subject already. _

Lab coat Perry nods as the platypus stumbles into the kitchen, fedora almost falling backwards off his head.  _ Coffee?  _ Perry signs. 

Platypus Perry nods, so Perry pours another mug and hands it over. 

They stand in silence, drinking their coffee. Slowly, Perry begins to feel slightly more alive. He checks his phone again- it’s almost seven AM. 

If he knows himself, the original Perry will show up exactly on time. 

_ Somebody should go wake Heinz _ , he signs. The platypus gives a thumbs-up, sets down his empty mug, and walks off in the direction of Heinz’s room.

_ I’m going to go wake up Perryborg _ , he signs to the other Perry.  _ If you can think of anything else that needs to go into the car, now’s the time.  _

Perry walks down the hall towards the spare room he occupied last night. Not that he had much of a chance to sleep, but whatever.

He gently shakes Perryborg’s shoulder. The other man nearly jumps out of his skin, flailing a fist over at him. 

_ It’s almost time to go, _ Perry signs once Perryborg has recognized him and calmed down.

Perryborg grumbles a bit, but he stands, neatly folds the blanket, and sets it on the floor of the closet. 

He hands Perry the small picture. 

_ Did it help? _ Perry asks, hoping Perryborg will know what he’s really asking about.

Perryborg merely nods. 

That’s good to hear. _ C’mon, let’s go. _

Perry walks out of the room and back out to the kitchen. Heinz is holding a cup of coffee in both hands. A few seconds later, the original Perry walks down the stairs from the lab, clutching his own coffee.

“Are we ready to go?” Heinz asks once he’s drained his mug. Everybody makes some sort of noise or sign of affirmation. “Great, then let’s go.”

Everybody traipaises up to the lab and gets into the car. Heinz sits in the driver’s seat, and the original Perry rides shotgun. Platypus Perry and Perryborg ride in the middle row, and lab coat Perry and himself sit in the back. 

They’ve packed everything needed for a three-day dimensional road trip. Snacks, spare parts, even an inexplicable giant floating baby head managed to find its way in.

Perry’s seen it floating around town before. Usually it ends up being part of his nephew’s inventions. Maybe it comes from another dimension. Wouldn’t that be interesting. 

Platypus Perry plugs the laptop with the DPS program into the console, signs some quick instructions to Heinz, and buckles himself in.

“Everybody ready to go?” Heinz asks, setting the DPS to find the closest Perry’s home dimension.

The original Perry as well as the lab coat Perry both flash a thumbs-up. The platypus churrs, and Perryborg makes a noise of affirmation. 

Perry takes a deep breath.  _ Let’s get this show on the road. _

“Then hold on tight, ‘cause this thing is fast,” Heinz says. 

They rocket into the sky without a second look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you’re wondering what I’m referring to with all the drum corps stuff, here’s [Cavaliers 2004](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h18A8GTqPzs). (shoot me a comment if the link doesn’t work, DCI loves to take down full show videos) 
> 
> And that was exactly what I was talking about with the whole “ages are marginally important” thing. I mean, I couldn’t not have Perry march 007. (and that was the golden age of the cavies too so :P)
> 
> Oh and anon from [Tumblr](https://humanperryfic.tumblr.com/): This isn’t the big difference between the two human, agent Perrys. Don't worry, we'll get there, it just might take a bit.


	7. Violence as...Empathy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW's for abuse

Danville falls away within a few seconds. Dimensions move past in flashes of light that make Perry glad he’s not epileptic. Next to him, Heinz grumbles something about regretting this last -inator. 

Perry vaguely remembers his thoughts from yesterday, something about how “the whole scheme smells like metaphorical crap just waiting to hit the fan”. 

Boy oh boy was he right. He just got dragged into what’s going to be either the best adventure or the biggest mistake of his life. Probably a combination of the two, if he’s going to be honest.

“Analysis complete,” the DPS says in a weirdly disconnected, robotic voice. “Closest dimension is User Three’s dimension. Would you like directions?”

“Well, that’s helpful. Who’s user three?” Heinz asks.

The platypus passes a small sheet of paper up to Perry, who looks at the list scrawled in messy handwriting.  _ Perryborg _ , he signs to Heinz.

“Yeah, give directions,” Heinz says. 

“In six thousand and eight dimensions, cut through the Nether dimension,” the DPS says, and Perry leans back. 

At least he isn’t driving. Sure, the OWCA driving test is pretty in-depth, (For example: Most civilians fail their driving test by failing the written test...most trainees fail the OWCA test by improperly maneuvering a helicopter) but it never covered interdimensional transport. 

Although if these dimensions only open up like this every five hundred years, for three days, then there’s really no need. 

Perry glances into the back. The teacher is sound asleep, as is the platypus. Perryborg is staring out the window, and the Perry in the lab coat is reading a book. 

He pulls out his phone. No signal, as to be expected. 

At least he downloaded a few offline games last night. It’s going to be a long three days. 

It’d be an even longer three days if he stayed home. If he had stayed behind, sure it wouldn’t be dangerous, but he’d be worried sick about the other Perrys. 

And Doofenshmirtz. He’d be even more worried about  _ him _ . 

He looks up at the ceiling of the slapped-together car (really, it looks more like the reusable part of the Space Shuttle, minus fins) and sighs. 

Even if it means worrying about the both of them dying in a dimension full of...man eating venus flytraps or something, he’d rather be right in the action. And if he’s honest, he’d rather know that if they’re going to die or get trapped in a different dimension, that they’d do it together.

At least he got time off from OWCA to go on this little trip. It was hard to convince Monogram (Carl had been on board with, in the words of the Major, “dimensional shenanigans” from the start), but he had done it. 

And now he’s playing solitaire on his phone with four more versions of himself in the backseat, on what has to be the weirdest road trip ever. 

Oh well, he can’t really complain. It’s better than the cheese-inator. 

An hour and a half later, they finally pull into Perryborg’s home dimension. The platypus, who has been awake for the past ten minutes, reaches back and shakes the teacher awake.

Perry stares out the window, his mouth falling open. A purple and black smog covers the sky, tinting everything below shades of the dark colors. Doofenshmirtz’s likeness is everywhere, from the blimp they almost crash into down to the neon signs on the buildings. 

It looks like this dimension’s Doofenshmirtz got full control over the tri-state area. 

They land on the balcony of what’s clearly the tallest building around. Hopefully this dimension’s Doofenshmirtz is the same as his own, wanting to be above everybody else both literally and figuratively.

When they exit the plane, a few black and grey robots with red eyes fly over to them. Perryborg holds up a hand, and they pause. 

“They’re with me,” he calls out, and the robots fly away.

“You can just leave me here,” Perryborg says. 

Heinz shakes his head. “Nah, I want to meet this Doofenshmirtz from your dimension. He seems pretty successful.” He pulls a remote out of his pocket, and the dimensional car shrinks down to about the size of the average Hot Wheels. He puts it in one of the pockets of his lab coat and grins at Perryborg.

Perryborg sighs. “Fine. Follow me. And stay close.” He walks into the building, with Doofenshmirtz right next to him, everybody else close behind. 

Doofenshmirtz keeps up a running monologue as they move through the building, commenting on the other him’s strange taste in decor. 

Perry has to agree. What sort of psycho decorates their place with identical hats? He steps closer to the wall to look at one a little closer. 

Bile rises in his throat as he examines the brown wool-felt. This isn’t just a hat, it’s a fedora. An OWCA fedora. An OWCA fedora covered in  _ blood _ .

This was a horrible idea. In fact, this was possibly the  _ worst _ idea in the  _ history _ of bad ideas. They should have just stayed at the car. 

Perry slowly reaches around his hip where a gun, never used but oft trained with, rests. On his left, he can see the platypus scanning their surroundings, his paws clenched into fists. On his right, lab coat Perry has taken up a defensive posture, while the teacher looks around uneasily.

Perryborg leads them up a long and winding staircase into a penthouse office.

Behind a desk, in an impressively large chair, sits another Doofenshmirtz. 

This one wears not the lab coat and olive slacks of his dimension’s Doofenshmirtz, but instead a long, black lab coat with grey elbow-length gloves. 

Perhaps the most striking physical difference, however, is a black eyepatch over his left eye. A long, jagged scar traces from the middle of his forehead to just under his left ear. 

“Ah, Platyborg. You’re  _ back _ ,” he says, clear contempt in his voice. 

Perryborg steps aside, letting the other Doofenshmirtz see everyone.

“And you brought  _ friends! _ How  _ nice _ .”

The other Doofenshmirtz visibly starts at the sight of their Doofenshmirtz. 

“Platyborg,” he says slowly, “where exactly did you find these people?”

“Oh, we’re from other dimensions!” Heinz exclaims. Perry makes a cut-off motion with his hand, but Heinz doesn’t see it. “We’re trying to get everybody back to their home dimensions.”

The other Doofenshmirtz hums. “I could always do with more generals...and one of them is an actual platypus...What do you think, Platyborg?”

Perryborg’s expression of barely-concealed terror quickly falls off his face as the other dimension’s Doofenshmirtz turns to look at him. “Whatever you wish, sir,” he says, and Perry feels something angry jump in his chest at his meek voice. 

“No,” he muses, “I think I’ll let them go. Take over this dimension before I attempt others.”

The other Doofenshmirtz grins ear-to-ear, a creepy smile that leaves all of them unsettled. “Thank you  _ so _ much for bringing my Platyborg back to me.” He pauses. “And some day, maybe I’ll see you again. As your dictator, of course,” he laughs.

He looks towards their Heinz, who now has his hand in the fish tank by the door. Heinz pulls his hand out and wipes it on his pants, a sheepish expression sneaking onto his face. 

“Obviously, I’ll need to get there right away. They need a  _ competent _ leader.”

Perry lets out an angry churr before he can stop himself. Heinz is...well, competent might be a stretch, but he’d be a better leader than this crackpot. 

A more benevolent leader, at least. Better is...also a stretch.

Either way, they’ve made their first stop, and it’s time to go.  _ Let’s keep going, everyone,  _ the platypus signs. They file out of the other Doofenshmirtz’s office, back towards the roof.

_ Hang on, _ teacher Perry signs. He peeks back around the doorframe at the other Doofenshmirtz and the platyborg. Perry joins him, followed closely by the Perry in the lab coat.  The other Doofenshmirtz’s face is red, his teeth bared in a snarl. He says something to Perryborg, who shakes his head.  Perry watches in horror as the other Doofenshmirtz backhands Perryborg across the face. The Perryborg, a red mark now across his cheek, bows his head. The other Perrys have to restrain him from running into the room. 

_ We have to leave, _ the platypus signs. 

_ No, we have to stay and help him, _ Perry signs.  _ Look at what’s going on and tell me we shouldn’t help. _

Perry looks back into the room. He can’t hear the conversation, but it doesn’t look good. Perryborg is now kneeling on the floor, his head down, hands clasped in front of him. The other Doofenshmirtz is pacing and flailing, glaring at Perryborg.

The other Doofenshmirtz stops in front of the kneeling Perryborg. He says something more, then kicks Perryborg in the head, right under his mechanical eye.

Perryborg falls backwards, hitting the floor with an echoing clank, then stays still. From this point of view, Perry can’t even tell if he’s breathing.

Before anyone can stop him, Perry is in the room, giving the evil Doofenshmirtz a fierce uppercut.  _ Nobody _ hurts his...he doesn’t want to say friend, but that’s the closest word to describe it, really. His clone from another dimension? His basically-brother? 

Either way, the other Heinz has stumbled backwards, clutching at his jaw. Behind Perry, the teacher and Heinz rush to Perryborg’s side, while the platypus and lab coat Perry have dropped into fighting stances right beside him.

“What are you still doing here?”   


Perry’s eyes narrow.  _ Fighting evil.  _ He punches the other Doofenshmirtz again, this time hard enough to make his head fly violently backwards. 

The evil Doofenshmirtz stumbles backwards, before lunging back at Perry. 

This time, it’s the platypus who hits the evil Doofenshmirtz, letting out a chatter as he grabs onto Doof’s high black collar. Lab coat Perry isn’t far behind, grabbing a bone from the cow skeleton nearby to use as a weapon. 

Perry rushes back to check on the Perryborg.  _ Is he okay? _

_ He’s breathing, _ teacher Perry signs,  _ but being unconscious for this long isn’t good. He needs medical attention, right away. _

Perry nods and turns back to where the Perrys are beating up evil Doofenshmirtz. He claps his hands, and they look over.  _ We need to get him to a doctor,  _ he signs, nodding towards Perryborg on the floor. 

“Oh yeah,” Heinz says. “Tons of doctors out here in the  _ totalitarian regime _ .”

Perry looks at Heinz.  _ We have to try. I’m not leaving my...clone? Brother? Whatever. Out here to die at the hands of that abusive ass. _

The sounds of handcuffs clinking echo behind Perry. The evil Doofenshmirtz is lying on the floor, with Perry the Platypus cuffing his hands together. The platypus pulls another pair of cuffs out of his hat, connecting the middle of the cuffs to the leg of his desk. 

_ We should get out of here before he wakes up,  _ lab coat Perry signs, chucking the femur he’s holding back over to the skeleton. 

Heinz nods. “Let’s go find someone with medical experience.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Perryborg will get his hugs eventually. But...not yet.


	8. We're Off To FIGHT the Wizard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy butt this is getting long
> 
> TW abuse mentions

Lab coat Perry and teacher Perry (who’s surprisingly strong) carry Perryborg between them as they run through the streets. Heinz runs out in front of them, and the platypus, whose legs are much shorter, clings to Perry’s back. 

Somewhere, Heinz picked up a spare of the other Doofenshmirtz’s coat and eyepatch, so they make it through Norm-bot patrols without problems. Thankfully, even though they stare, none of the few people who are out and about stop them. 

Perry’s not quite sure where to go, so they run down street after street looking for someone who can help. 

Every doctor’s office and clinic that Perry can remember from his dimension is gone, boarded up, raided, or replaced with a “Suck it up, Buttercup” sign. There’s not even a bandage to be found, as pharmacies and even grocery stores are completely empty. 

The city gives way to suburban streets lined with purple and black homes. Every street name is a play on Doofenshmirtz’s name- he’s seen at least four Doofenshmirtz Drives. His lungs burn as he runs. Whatever the chemical soup in the air is, it really isn’t making it any easier to breathe. 

Perry’s feet carry him to the one place he can think of that might be able to help. 2308 Maple Drive no, now it’s another Doofenshmirtz Drive. Thankfully, the house still stands, and in decent repair. He notes the suspicious lack of a tree in the backyard, but the rest of the house looks the same as before.

“Perry,” Doofenshmirtz pants as they walk up to the front door, “where are we?”    


Perry merely shakes his head and knocks on the door. Hopefully Heinz won’t ask too many questions. 

Then again...

Lawrence opens the door, dressed in the hideous black overalls that every citizen seems to be wearing.

“Perry? And...Perry, Perry, Platyborg, and a platypus?” He gulps. “Oh, hello Gracious Leader,” he says, dropping down to one knee and bowing his head. 

“Oh, get up, I’m not this dimension’s Doofenshmirtz. It’s a long story.”

Perry rolls his eyes and elbows Heinz.  _ We need a place to stay.  _

“What are you telling me for? I know that.”

_ Tell him,  _ Perry signs, gesturing towards Lawrence.

“Oh. Hey, we need a place to stay for a bit. Can we stay here?”

“Of course, Gracious Leader. I only ask that you spare my children.”

“What do you take me for, some sort of monster?” Perry elbows him again. “Oh yeah, thank you.”

“My pleasure, Gracious Leader. I must be off now, serving our glorious empire,” he says, and in just a few seconds, he’s whisked away by the train. 

“That was weird,” Heinz says, walking into the house. “So, where are we? And how do you know that guy? How did he know  _ you _ ?”

_ Take care of Perryborg first, ask questions later. Follow me. And be quiet. _

He leads the group past the living room, doing his best not to attract attention from the boys sitting there (best not to drag them into this, at least until he has to), up the stairs, then up the attic ladder. 

It looks like Perryborg had lived here at some point, and thankfully, it’s barely been touched since. The other Perrys set Perryborg down on the bed, raising a small puff of dust. 

_ Is he going to be okay? _ lab coat Perry asks. 

Heinz shrugs. “I’m not a doctor. Bought my degree on the internet, remember?”

_ We need to get him to an actual doctor, as fast as we can _ , teacher Perry signs. 

_ Why did you bring us here anyway? There’s nobody here that has a medical degree,  _ the platypus signs. 

_ The only place we can find medical attention is a rebellion.  _ A grim smile crosses Perry’s face.  _ And if any family has a connection to a rebellion, it’s this one. I’m going to go talk to the kids, you guys see if there’s anything up here you can use.  _

“I have the dimensional car shrunken down in my pocket, I think there’s a first aid kit in that…” Heinz says as Perry descends the ladder. 

And comes face-to-face with Candace, dressed all in black, wearing sunglasses and holding a metal pole. It looks like this is the connection they need.

“Perry?”

_ No time to explain. Have another me injured in the attic, he needs medical attention.  _

“Another...you.” Perry nods. “You go missing for six years, right at the start of all this. Then you’re suddenly wearing all these prosthetics and metal limbs and you try to kill me and nearly wipe out the Resistance. Then you come back and you’re prosthetic free, claiming there’s more of you, and you’re not trying to kill me. Sorry, but I’m not going to fall for it.”

_ Multiple dimensions. And I’m pretty sure Perryborg doesn’t remember you. We need a medic. _

“Multiple...dimensions? Well, that would explain that. Wait, did you say you need a medic?”

Perry nods.

“Well, let’s see your injured...self. We might be able to help.” She levels her staff at him. “No promises.”

Perry’s a little surprised at how fast Candace was willing to accept him, although he supposes that compassion is a powerful thing, even in a totalitarian regime. 

He rushes back up the ladder into the attic. Heinz is pulling off the other Doofenshmirtz’s outfit, shoving the eyepatch in his pocket. Teacher Perry has his hand on Perryborg’s neck, monitoring his pulse.

_ I found our resistance person.  _ Candace ascends the ladder, entering the attic.

“Oh, you weren’t kidding about another one of you.” She looks around the attic. “What’s he doing here?” Her tone is accusatory as she lowers her staff towards Heinz. 

_ Different dimension. Your dimension’s Doofenshmirtz is unconscious and cuffed to his desk.  _

She narrows her eyes. “And how do I know you’re not tricking me?”

Platypus Perry hops up on the bed to sign  _ He has both eyes. _

Lab coat Perry chimes in with  _ And he doesn’t have a scar. _

“Okay, I’m gonna trust you on that one. You’re going to have to tell me how that happened. Later. Let’s see the injured Perry.”

Everybody moves aside to let Candace see Perryborg. 

“You have got to be kidding me. No way am I bringing a resistance medic. I am so not going to fall for this.”

_ He doesn’t remember you, _ teacher Perry signs.  _ He’s also unconscious because the Doofenshmirtz from this dimension kicked him in the face.  _ He considers something. _ And those three are OCWA agents.  _

_ OWCA,  _ lab coat Perry corrects. 

“The only people that actually realized Doofenshmirtz was a bad guy and tried to fight him were OWCA,” Candace muses. “Still, this smells of a trap. I can get you some basic medical supplies, but beyond that…”

Perry nods. It’s really the best he can hope-

“We’ll help you fight the other me,” Heinz says. Everyone whips their heads around to stare at him.

“What?” Candace asks, echoing Perry’s train of thought.

“I said, we’ll help you guys get rid of him. You help us, we help you.”

“Yeah, I heard you the first time. But what can you  _ do _ ?”

“Well,” Heinz says, “three of them are professional secret agents. I’m an inventor, and I just so happen to be an almost-clone of your Doofenshmirtz. I’m sure you can do  _ something  _ with that.”

_ Besides,  _ the teacher interjects with a cough,  _ Perryborg might be an asset too. _

“We are  _ not _ letting that rustbucket anywhere near the rebellion,” Candace says with a slam of her pole. “He’s the whole problem. He’s probably a double agent, you really shouldn’t trust him. Probably wanted to be the Emperor’s lackey.”

The teacher stands up, glaring at Candace. Perry and lab coat Perry both subtly drop into defensive stances, ready to stop any fight the moment it starts. 

_ You think he wanted to be like this? _ Teacher Perry signs, an absolutely murderous look on his face. _ You think he wanted to forget everything he ever knew about his life, his friends, his family? Do you honestly think that he ever wanted to be abused and tortured at the hands of the sadistic bastard in charge of this regime?  _ Candace gulps and steps back, but the teacher doesn’t stop signing. 

_ Are you really so naive to think that he consciously wants to be a slave to a man that does nothing but abuse him? Because that’s what’s happening. And while I’m sure that anybody in this room would willingly strangle this dimension’s Doofenshmirtz, Perryborg would do it with hands built and forcibly installed by the very maggot of a man that your emperor claims to be.  _

Behind them, the bed creaks. Perry whirls around to see Perryborg sitting up, blinking his human eye.

“I’m going to kill him,” he says, not a hint of hesitation in his voice. “I’m going to go up to that goddamn tower and I’m going to kill him.” 

He tries to stand up, but the platypus pushes him right back down onto the bed. “If you’ll have me, I’ll help,” he says.

Candace raises an eyebrow. “Are you one hundred percent sure that he’s not going to snitch to Doofenshmirtz?” she asks teacher Perry. 

_ I trust him _ , he signs, his expression neutral. The only thing betraying his earlier anger is the way his breath comes quickly, the way his eyes still hold sparks of anger.

She sighs. “I might be able to help you after all. Follow me, but disguise the...Perryborg. And the other Doofenshmirtz.”

Teacher Perry and lab coat Perry pick up Perryborg, to mild protests from the borg himself. The platypus churrs at him, signing for him to  _ stay put, you probably have a concussion _ , then throws the blanket from the bed over his head. Heinz pulls the other Doofenshmirtz’s coat and eye patch back on, and they start to go back down the ladder. 

“Hold it right there.” Candace holds out her staff, blocking Heinz from going down the ladder. “You are  _ not _ going into Resistance HQ looking like that.”

“Yeah, but I’m getting us past the robots looking like this.”

Candace rolls her eyes, but even she has to admit he has a point. Perry saw a kid no older than thirteen get vaporized on the street in front of them, leaving nothing but a red smear. All because she didn’t have ID papers.

And they don’t have any sort of ID. They’re on the run for beating up the  _ Emperor _ , they’re probably most wanted right now. 

True to his word, Heinz gets them right past five different Norm-bot patrols. Perry tries not to think about how close they get to nearly being executed by a death ray as they cross the rail tracks. 

Candace lifts a manhole cover and leads them down into the sewers. Perry and the platypus pull flashlights out of their hats, lighting the way down the cramped passage. 

Ten minutes later, in a cramped concrete “hospital” buried deep within the earth, this dimension’s Baljeet (who’s apparently the most qualified person in the whole resistance) pulls the blanket off of Perryborg. 

He takes one look and steps back. “You have got to be kidding me,” he says to Candace. “There is no way that I am going to treat Emperor Doofenshmirtz’s  _ right hand man _ .”

Perryborg, who’s sitting on the edge of the cot, merely looks down at his hands.

Candace rolls her eyes. “He’s not that scumbag’s assistant anymore, if I’m understanding these guys correctly.” She gestures towards the teacher. “You know sign language, Doc?”

“Are we talking about British or American sign language?” Baljeet asks. 

_ American _ , teacher Perry signs with a glance at the rest of them. Perry nods, along with the rest of the mute Perrys. 

“Then yes, I know it.”

“Good. If Glasses here blows up again, I don’t want to have to translate.” The teacher narrows his eyes at Candace, who ignores him. “I’m going to go check in on the Firestorm girls. Keep me updated.”

Baljeet nods as Candace leaves the room. “What happens?” He asks lab coat Perry. 

_ He got kicked in the face, right under the metal eye, _ lab coat Perry signs.  _ Unconscious for... _ he pauses, unsure.

_ Almost a half-hour,  _ teacher Perry signs, and Baljeet moves to the cabinets behind Heinz. 

“He probably has a concussion, although I am not quite sure how his metal face plate would have distributed the force.” He returns with one of those things that doctors look at your eyes with and begins to check over Perryborg. 

Perry crosses the small room to stand by Heinz.  _ You’re the expert in metal parts, do you know anything about this?  _ He asks.

Heinz shakes his head. “All I know is prosthetics, not this plating stuff. I mean, I could get in and figure out what it does, but I don’t want to mess with his face.”

Perry nods. He wouldn’t either. 

“So,” Baljeet says in a conversational tone, “are you all...Perry?”

Lab coat Perry nods.  _ We’re all from different dimensions, travelling in this dimensional car-plane thing to get back to our own dimensions.  _

“And you’re still here because…” Baljeet trails off expectantly. 

_ We couldn’t just leave him to get abused by your Emperor, _ the teacher signs from where he’s standing.

“That makes sense,” Baljeet says as he picks up a clipboard. He begins to ask Perryborg basic questions, checking for a concussion. 

A few minutes later, he scribbles a few things down and turns to the rest of them. “I will go fetch Candace.”

He leaves them alone in the room. Perryborg . 

Nobody says or signs anything until Perryborg breaks the silence. “I wasn’t kidding. I’m going to kill Doofenshmirtz.”

_ We never doubted you _ , teacher Perry signs. 

_ I’d want to kill him too,  _ the platypus signs.  _ Is that always how he’s treated you? _

Perryborg looks down at his hands and nods. “I can’t remember anything else.”

Teacher Perry sits down at his side.  _ Do you want a hug? _

“A...hug?” Perryborg asks, confusion audible in his voice. “Aren’t those for...families?”

Heinz laughs. “You guys are all the same person, I think that’s family enough.”

Teacher Perry nods.  _ You’re family to me. But you don’t have to if you don’t want to. _

Perryborg shakes his head. “If you’re sure, I guess so? I don’t want to force you to touch me. I know I’m repulsive.”

_ You’re not forcing us, _ lab coat Perry signs, sitting on Perryborg’s other side. 

_ And you’re not repulsive _ , Perry signs.  _ You were forced to do awful things, abused if you didn’t. That doesn’t make you less deserving of love. _

“R-really?” Perryborg stammers. Perry’s heart aches at how incredulous Perryborg sounds. Like he can’t believe that anybody would want anything to do with him. 

_ Perryborg, do you want a hug? _ The teacher asks again, and this time, Perryborg nods. 

The teacher wraps his arms around Perryborg. For a brief moment, Perryborg looks incredibly uncomfortable, but soon, he wraps his arms around the teacher as well, his human eye closing. 

Lab coat Perry joins in, with platypus Perry not far behind. Perry sits down next to the teacher and joins the hug.

When they break apart, Perryborg is still looking down at his shoes. But he’s smiling, a genuine smile that breaks Perry’s heart into a million pieces.

The door bangs open. Candace and Baljeet walk back into the room, with Candace closing the door behind her. Baljeet looks back down at his clipboard. 

“It seems that the Platyborg does not have any brain trauma or damage as a result of his injury,” Baljeet says. “Which is quite unusual, and the only explanations I can think of is that the metal faceplate absorbed the blow, the author is tired of googling how head injuries affect the body, or his brain has been cybernetically enhanced.”

“So he’s fine,” Candace says, clearly disinterested.

“Yes,” Baljeet says. “Most likely, he will be alright.” 

Candace turns to Perry. “We’ve been working on a battle plan to attack Emperor Doofenshmirtz. Baljeet ran the numbers, and we think that we can make a successful attack now.”

“If you will follow us to the armory?” Baljeet asks. 

Perry stands up and follows Baljeet out the door, followed by the rest of the Perrys. They wind their way through cramped, dark hallways. Heinz has to duck a few times to avoid hitting his head on low pipes. 

They emerge from the hallway into a spacious room. The walls are lined with weapon racks, although most of them are empty. A considerable amount of building materials is piled up near a large screen. On the screen are the faces of almost a hundred people, watching intently. 

A few dozen people, mostly young girls that Perry recognizes as being part of the Fireside Girls in his home dimension, mill about the room. 

Candace jumps up onto a balcony and clears her throat. Instantly, everyone quiets down and faces her. 

“Thank you for gathering here on such short notice, everyone,” she says. “We have a new and exciting development in our fight against the evil Emperor.” 

She pauses for a moment to allow the gathered people to speculate. After a moment, she hits her staff against the balcony, and the crowd goes silent. 

“Platyborg has turned,” she says simply, and the room erupts in cacophony. Perry watches as those assembled crane their necks to see if they can spot Perryborg. Those watching from the screen turn and talk to those who are near them wherever they are. 

It takes three strikes of Candace’s staff to the pipe next to her to restore order. 

“Yes, you heard that right. Rustbucket is on our side. It turns out that brutal dictators abuse their underlings, who knew?” She chuckles darkly. “We also have four more Perrys from different dimensions, as well as a Doofenshmirtz from another dimension, which is what our plan depends on.”

At this, the crowd attempts to start speaking again, but Candace continues. “Because we do, in fact, have a plan. And here is how it goes:

One, we’re going to assemble everybody here. Drop all current missions, this is do or die. Our one shot. I want everybody here at 1400, sharp. Bring all weapons, trainees, anybody on the fence about joining us, everything. We’ll need it.

Two, while everyone is assembling, we are going to build distractions. The other dimension’s Doofenshmirtz is an inventor and will be constructing them. We will also assign strike teams and prepare the base for emergency lockdown. Anybody outside Base should bring their protectorates and  _ only  _ their protectorates down. 

Three, once everyone is here, armed, and ready, we will send out strike teams to plant the distractions. I will have communicators with the strike team, and will be telling teams when to enable the distractions. These will draw away the Norm-Bots.  Four, we fight the Norm-Bots. Units will try to secure things like signal boosting stations and factories. Free the workers, see if you can convince them to fight. Tell the populace of Platyborg’s turn. We want as much chaos as possible.

Five, the other Doofenshmirtz will don his disguise and lead the strike team of the Perrys up to the tower, where they will disable the Norm-Bots and arrest Doofenshmirtz, or kill him, depending on how the confrontation goes. Either way, they will send up a signal when they’ve completed this task. 

Any questions?”

The room erupts into chaos as everyone digests the plan. But nobody has any immediate questions. 

“Good,” Candace says. “I will be talking individually to strike team leaders and unit commanders. Everybody not at Base right now, get here ASAP. You are due here at 1400, we strike at 1430.”

Candace hops off of the balcony and lands on the ground. She walks over to the Perrys and grins. “That went well. Any other abilities, Perryborg?” she asks. 

“I know the bot commands for the Norm-Bots. The Emperor has the overrides, but if we keep it on the down-low, they’ll get lost among the rest in the command feed.”

“That will certainly help in part five of the plan. Alright. Doofenshmirtz, your task is to build things that will emit light and noise. Make explosives, pretty much.”

Heinz’s face lights up like a christmas tree. Perry gulps. Heinz makes things explode enough already, telling him to do that will only enable him. 

Oh well. He might as well have some fun. Better here than in the lab, where Perry would have to put an end to Heinz’s joy. 

That’s the worst part of his job, really. Having to stop Heinz in the middle of something he’s enjoying (even if it  _ is _ evil), just because OWCA says so. 

Candace has moved on to talk to others, so they walk over to the pile of spare parts, Heinz already thinking out loud. 

“I’m thinking fireworks. Loud and bright and annoying. What do you think, Perry?”

Perry gives a thumbs up.  _ It’s your project, you can do whatever you want as long as it's distracting. _

“The only problem is that we might not have enough gunpowder…” he muses. 

_ Lasers and mechanical noisemakers? _ Perry suggests.

“You’re such an enabler,” he teases, but the light in his eyes says otherwise.

Perry rolls his eyes. So what if he likes seeing Heinz happy? 

“Anyways, I’ll need a whole lot of clean metal, so if you guys could get to work on finding stuff from the pile?”

_ Sounds good, _ Perry signs, and relays the message to the rest of the Perrys. They get to work finding usable metal while Doofenshmirtz starts looking for wires and explosives. 

A small voice speaks from a doorway of the armory, right by where Perry’s looking through a crate. “Uncle Perry?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry not sorry about that cliffhanger lmao
> 
> Happy 4th of July, of course #allcountriesmatter


	9. A Family Worth Fighting For

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good lord, these chapters keep getting longer
> 
> TW's for emotional abuse, mentioned physical abuse, and violence.

Perryborg turns towards the voice, slowly lowering the scrap metal he’s holding to the ground. 

The voice belongs to a young boy with red hair, wearing a pair of Dooferalls and carrying a wrench. The boy slowly walks over to them, looking up at the adults around him. Perryborg’s enhanced hearing picks up every footfall, even at this distance.

“Are you all Uncle Perry?” he asks, confusion in his voice.

The teacher shrugs.  _ Of a sort. We’re all from different dimensions.  _

“That’s pretty cool. Wait, if all of you are from different dimensions, then what are you doing here?”

_ We’re helping out uncle Perry from this dimension before we go home,  _ the original Perry signs, setting down the plating in his hands.

“So is uncle Perry from our dimension here? I haven’t seen him in so long...” the boy says, longing in his voice. 

Teacher Perry nods.  _ He’s right there, _ he signs, pointing to Perryborg.

“He’s really...metal,” the boy says, stepping forwards. Behind him, a slightly taller boy with green hair lays a hand on the boy's shoulder. 

Perryborg turns away. This must be his nephew Ferb...no, this is Phineas. The green-haired one is Ferb. 

And he wants nothing to do with him. 

He can’t even say that he blames Phineas. He’s caused all the destruction and death in their lives. He’s the one that robbed them of their childhoods. He deserves to-

“You’re right, Ferb,” Phineas says. “That means he’s even cooler now!”

A force crashes into Perryborg’s legs and hugs him tight, almost knocking him over. Perryborg’s eyes go wide as he turns towards the boy. Phineas isn’t mad? And...he’s hugging him?

The green haired boy, Ferb, follows at a slower pace, but still manages to almost knock him over when he hugs him. 

Perryborg can feel emotion welling up in his chest. He doesn’t remember their last names or birthdays, but something in the very back of his mind remembers the love he once felt for these boys. 

He does his best to lean down and hug back. 

“We missed you, uncle Perry,” Phineas says, and the way his voice ever-so-slightly cracks when he says Perryborg’s name sends a pang of regret through his heart. 

“What are you doing?” The accusing voice of Candace (his niece! He knew he vaguely recognized her) cuts through the background noise of the room.

Perryborg whips his head around. “No, not you, Platyborg,” she says, then turns to the boys, who have let go of his legs. 

“Phineas and Ferb, what are you two doing here?”

Phineas speaks up. “We saw uncle Perry earlier at home and we followed you.” He sniffles a bit, and Perryborg’s heart wrenches. “We missed him.”

Candace kneels down to their eye level. “I know, I missed him too.” She puts a hand on Phineas’s shoulder. “But he has stuff to do right now, and it’s very dangerous, so you can’t come along.”

“We could help, I’m sure we could do something,” Phineas protests, crossing his arms over his Dooferalls. 

“No, you two need to stay where it’s safe,” Candace says. “End of story.” She turns around. “Isabella?” She calls out. 

“Yes, sir?” a girl in a dark green beret says, running up to Candace. 

“Get my brothers to the bunker with the rest of the protectorates. Keep them safe.”

“Yes, sir,” the girl says, then grabs the hands of the boys. “Come with me,” she says, and leads them away. 

Phineas turns around and waves at Perryborg, a sad smile on his face, just before he disappears. 

Somewhere behind him, Candace leaves, and the other Perrys get back to work. But all he can do is stand by the pile of parts and stare at the door, trying to remember.

The platypus tugs on his pant leg, and he looks down. 

_ I’m sorry,  _ the platypus signs, and Perryborg nods.

If anything, their short reunion has motivated him to try even harder. To fight for his family, so that they can stay together. For good.

He returns to the pile of parts to keep working. Everything he finds is one step closer to seeing his family again. All they have to do is get rid of the dictator, then he can finally be with the people he used to hold dear.

Somehow, two hours pass in just the blink of an eye. The other Doofenshmirtz has built dozens of different distractions, each one a unique contraption designed to cause problems. (Perryborg’s favorite is the one that shoots tennis balls, although the pigeon attracter is a close second.) The room has been getting more and more crowded by the minute, and still more members of the resistance are flooding in.

Candace calls everyone to attention by banging her staff against a pipe. Once the room is somewhat quiet, she begins to speak. 

“This is it, people. Fourteen-thirty. Our final showdown.” She pauses for dramatic effect. “Let’s go kick some robot chassis.”

The assembled resistance members cheer, Perryborg with them. Strike teams carrying the other Doofenshmirtz’s inventions leave the base, one by one, until almost a quarter of the base’s occupants are gone. 

Perryborg watches as the other Doofenshmirtz pulls on the black lab coat and eye patch of his dimension’s Doofenshmirtz, preparing himself for battle. He clips a comm unit to his belt. Perryborg moves a few steps away from Doofenshmirtz, a little uneasy at the sight of this much kinder Doofenshmirtz looking like the one from his dimension.

The speakers mounted on the walls crackle to life, and a map is broadcast onto the screen. Moving green dots show the positions of the strike teams as they set out the distractions. 

Perryborg leans against the wall as he listens to the comm chatter coming from the speakers. The teams relay information on where the Norm-bots are, and how close they are to their destination, but they also talk about what they’re going to do once Doofenshmirtz is gone. Things like see their friends again, visit family, eat foods that aren’t in the rations. Go to college. Learn to play an instrument. Even just take a walk outside, because they  _ can _ .

A woman standing near him chatters excitedly to her friend about how she’s going to grow flowers again, once she can get a garden. Roses, petunias, irises, even more that Perryborg doesn’t recognize.

It’s somewhat sobering to hear. He was  _ convinced  _ that the rebels did nothing but hate their glorious leader. That they only thought of violence, dissenting just to dissent. But here they are, fighting not out of misplaced hatred, but for the things held dear to their hearts. Their families, their friends. Their foods and flower gardens. 

With every hopeful wish he hears, he vows to succeed today. To put Doofenshmirtz in a prison far, far away, where he’ll never hurt anybody ever again. 

The speakers providing the live comm feed suddenly broadcasts the sound of Norm-bot fire into the room. Perryborg’s heart drops. The strike teams got caught. Screaming echoes over the comms, and all hopeful conversations are cut short.

Candace pales visibly. The plan has been upended. She listens for a few seconds, then stalks right over to where some of the young girls have set up the main comm post. She puts on a headset, and the girls flip switches and press buttons. 

“Test, test.” Her voice echoes over the speakers in the base, as well as out the comm unit at Heinz’s hip.

“Everybody,” she says, “You know your roles. You know your job.” She takes a deep breath. “Go fight. Don’t die.”

An explosion sounds over the comms, and the room erupts in shouts and chaos. Unit commanders bark out orders, people run every which way. Heinz and the rest of the Perrys look to Perryborg.

He extends the spikes on his left forearm. “Let’s go,” he says. 

They join the flood of people leaving the base, running through the tunnels that weave their way under the streets of the regime. 

Once they reach the surface streets, Perryborg takes a second to assess the situation. Various resistance members are taking down Norm-bots left and right. All around him are the sounds of Norm-bot fire, battle cries, explosions. Somewhere in the distance, he spots tennis balls being launched into the air and all over the place. 

Perryborg runs up to a pair of Norm-bots and throws a rock at them to get their attention. When the bots look at him, he summons his bravest face. 

“Protocol 36-E-12,” he states, and the Norm-bots beep in acknowledgement. They turn around, and handles pop out from the back of their necks. 

Perryborg smiles and gestures towards the Norm-bots. The Perrys and Doofenshmirtz all grab onto the handles, as does Perryborg. 

“Where to?” the bot asks in its grating metallic voice. Perryborg grins. “Straight to Doofenshmirtz,” he shouts, and the bots take off without a single look back. 

From their vantage point in the skies, Perryborg can see how the battle is unfolding. The black-clad resistance members have made a lot of ground. A few of the factories are already starting to fall, with civilians joining the fight left and right. 

One particularly speedy group of resistance fighters has made their way to one of the Norm-bot signal towers. Perryborg gulps. That tower is the closest one to the Norm-bots they’re flying, if they take that one down, then these Norm-bots will fall. 

He desperately hopes that they’ll get up to the tower in time, so of course, the Norm-bots fail when they’re almost all of the way up. 

They land on a random balcony of Doofenshmirtz’s tower, one that Perryborg barely remembers. Surely, he’s been out here before, but he doesn’t know where it leads. 

What he does know, however, is that he can find his way to Doofenshmirtz from the roof. He claps his hands together to activate the boosters, then yells at the other Perrys to “find a way to Doofenshmirtz’s office,” before he jumps off the balcony and propels himself upwards. 

He barely makes it up to the roof before his fuel runs out. Once he’s on the roof, he finds himself staring this dimension’s Doofenshmirtz straight in the face. 

Or, more accurately, straight in the neck. He’s much shorter than Doofenshmirtz, and so he has to look up to look Doofenshmirtz in the eye.

“Ah,” Doofenshmirtz says, amusement in his voice, “my pretty Platyborg has come back to me. How wonderful.” He pulls a thin black remote out of his pockets. The one with the power to control him through the chip in his neck, the wiring in his arms. The power to force him to do anything. 

“But I’m afraid that actions have consequences, Platyborg,” he tuts, running one long finger over the buttons. “It’s time for bad borgs to get what they deserve.”

Perryborg narrows his eyes. He wasn’t doing anything wrong (right?) But this time, instead of just taking whatever punishment Doofenshmirtz is about to dole out, he lashes out and kicks the remote straight out of Doofenshmirtz’s hand. 

A look of disbelief jumps to Doofenshmirtz’s face. “What- no, you can’t do that,” he stammers, before a thoroughly murderous look covers the disbelief. “Stand down, Platyborg.” 

Perryborg’s reprogramming takes over and he snaps to attention, despite his mental protests. Doofenshmirtz turns and picks the remote up from off the ground. 

“So this is how we’re going to play, hmm? Running off with your friends to start a revolution? It’ll never work, Platyborg. You know that.”

Screams echo up from the streets, accompanied by the sounds of Norm-bots firing, and Perryborg has to agree. It’ll never work, what was he thinking? That he could actually, ever stand a chance? That he could ever change this?

There’s no way. The only thing that will ever come out of this is more dead people. He never should have done anything. 

“Maybe I  _ do  _ need a new Platyborg. One that obeys my orders. I can’t believe I’m wasting my time on a worthless thing like you. You don’t even deserve to be punished.” Doofenshmirtz tosses the remote to the side, not even watching as it bounces against the rough surface of the roof. 

“You’re nothing to me. And don’t forget,  you’re  nothing _without_ me  either.”

Perryborg sinks to his knees, sobbing out apologies. Begging for Doofenshmirtz to give him what he deserves. 

A tiny voice in the back of his head tells him that it’s  _ wrong _ , that he should get out while he can, but he ruthlessly squashes it. He deserves every bit of punishment for disobeying Doofenshmirtz. He picks up the remote and stands, attempting to hand it back to Doofenshmirtz.

The familiar whirr of a Norm-bot interrupts his pleads. “Would you like an omlette?” it asks, before it hits the roof with a crunch. 

Doofenshmirtz turns around to look at the bot, absently taking the remote. Perryborg allows himself to feel a single spark of relief before he sees who hitched a ride with the Norm-bot. 

Riding on the back of the robot are two boys and a girl. Phineas, Ferb and Candace. Ferb holds wires in his hand, letting the ripped ends spark onto the cement. Perryborg watches, frozen in silent shock as Doofenshmirtz strides over to them. He leans over the trio, a horridly familiar grin on his face. 

His earliest real memory was that grin over him as he lay strapped to a table, machinery installing his metal faceplate. Memories of the  _ torture _ he endured, all under that sadistic smirk.

Perryborg looks at Doofenshmirtz, then his family. Phineas stares at him with pleading eyes, begging for him to do something. Ferb looks genuinely terrified, the wires dropping out of his hands to the ground. Even Candace, the ever-stoic leader of the resistance, looks every bit her age as she clutches her staff in shaking hands. 

A spark of rage ignites in Perryborg’s chest, and he  _ remembers _ . He remembers  _ everything _ . Every invention, every birthday, every lazy Saturday evening comes rushing back into his mind in one powerful wave that nearly brings him to his knees. This is his family, the people he loves the most. These are the people he fights for. 

He manages to stay on his feet, because his  _ family  _ is in danger, and he’s got to stop this hack from going through with his unvoiced threats. No matter what it takes. 

He grits his teeth and takes one angry step towards Doofenshmirtz, then another. The steps become faster and faster, until he’s running full-out at Doofenshmirtz. Calls of “Platyborg, stand down” barely register in his enhanced ears. 

Because he is  _ not  _ Platyborg. And he will  _ not  _ stand down. 

He is  _ Perry Bartholomew Fletcher _ , and he is going to  _ pummel _ the man who dared to make him forget about the most important people in his life. 

Despite the metal in his body screeching him to a near halt (why oh why did he give Doofenshmirtz the remote?), despite the reprogramming in his mind, despite the chip in his neck, he still manages to launch himself towards Doofenshmirtz. He brings his fist back, extending the spikes on his hand, and punches Doofenshmirtz straight in the temple. 

The crack he can hear sounds almost like music to his ears. Doofenshmirtz falls to the ground, out cold for some reason. The other Perrys burst onto the roof, and the human agent pulls a pair of cuffs from his hat. 

Finally, after years upon years of torture and beatings and abuse, he’s done it. 

Perry’s limbs unfreeze (Doofenshmirtz probably landed on the remote) and he sinks to the ground. But he does so with a grin, the smile of a free man. Phineas and Ferb run towards him and send him sprawling onto his back with a hug.

Phineas is sobbing into his shirt, and Ferb is clinging to him so tightly that he’s somewhat worried that he’ll lose circulation. 

He looks up to see Candace set down her staff, take off her dark sunglasses, and stride over to join the hug. Perry wraps his arms around the three of them and holds on, determined to never let go. 

Perry watches over Phineas’s shoulder as a white-haired man with a thick mustache to match joins the crowd on the roof. Perry remembers him as an indentured servant-secretary. Now, however, he’s wearing the uniform of an OWCA major. He cinches another pair of handcuffs around Doofenshmirtz’s wrists and together with a few agents (probably from another division), takes him away. 

On their way down the stairs, they pass by a couple. It takes Perry a moment to place who they are, but he quickly remembers. 

His brother Lawrence and sister in-law Linda. The kids get up off of him and run to hug their parents. 

The other Perrys and the other Doofenshmirtz walk over to him. 

_ Well, I think it’s best that we get going, _ the teacher signs.  _ We’ve still got to get home.  _

Perry smiles. “Thank you so much for helping me,” he says. 

_ No big deal, _ the original Perry signs, while lab coat Perry signs  _ Anytime _ . 

The other Doofenshmirtz pulls the dimensional plane-car thing out of his pocket and sets it on the roof. Pressing a button on a wristband he’s wearing, the car expands back to its full size. 

Before they climb back into the car, each of the Perrys (and the other Doofenshmirtz) hugs him tightly and promises to remember him. 

He’d tear up if he could. 

Perry waves goodbye as they buckle themselves in and launch off to the next dimension. 

(He’s not entirely sure, but he thinks that one of the Perrys might have waved back.)

As soon as they’re gone, in a flash of violet light, Lawrence walks up behind Perry and puts one arm around his shoulders. 

“Well, chap, I think it’s time to go home.” 

Perry nods. Finally, their pocket of the world has been cleaned up. No longer will they be ruled by a tyrannical dictator who openly executes people that dissent. No longer will he be at the right hand of said dictator.

Now, he’s finally free. And he can go home. 

Wherever home is. Obviously, it’s not in this tower, but where else would it be? 

Lawrence moves his arm away. Perry continues to stare into the distance, at the crowds of celebrating resistance members in the streets. Behind him, he can hear the clamor of his family getting ready to go. Slowly, he turns around, and watches as Lawrence, Linda, and the kids walk towards the stairs. 

Phineas turns around, looking back towards Perry. “Aren’t you coming?” he asks. 

Perry starts. He hadn’t thought that they’d ever take him back, not after what he did. But Phineas’s hopeful tone of voice, Ferb’s expectant expression, and Candace’s encouraging smile convince him otherwise. 

Maybe he  _ can _ have a family, after all. 

“Yes, yes I am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is where we leave Perryborg! If I ever make an ask blog/followup series, there might be more stories, but I'll have to finish Perryverse first xD
> 
> Chapter 10 is already mostly written, so that should be posted in the next couple of days. (Once I write more of chapter 11...which is p much just an outline and three lines of dialogue >_<)


	10. Star Light, Star Bright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short little "breather episode" before we get back into the meat of the story.

By Heinz’s watch, the day is almost over when they stop in a random dimension for the night. They’re all exhausted from the events of the day, so nobody trusts themselves with driving the car overnight.

Besides, the next dimension after their current destination is only a couple hours away. They’ve got enough time to take a short nap. 

They wind up in a farm town at a diner, thankfully one that takes American money, getting plates of greasy food. Nobody wants to admit it, but they all miss home, especially the diner that’s just down the road from Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated. 

Personally, Perry remembers eating breakfast in that diner with Lawrence and Ferb shortly after they had moved to the states. Ferb was a month old, he was seventeen, Lawrence was twenty-five (and still, at that point, Perry’s legal guardian). It was there that he had learned of JOWCA (Junior OWCA, for college students) and its scholarship program from a flyer next to the bathroom. 

That had been his saving grace. There was no way that he could have gone to college otherwise, not on Lawrence’s meager and stretched-thin historian salary.

Yeah, diners with cheap greasy food have sort of become nostalgic [whatever the fuck that word is] for him. 

Surprisingly, nobody bats an eye when platypus Perry sits in the booth with them.

(Who knew platypuses liked pancakes? Not Perry, that’s for sure.) 

The changes in this dimension become obvious pretty quickly- the Cubs are preparing to win their 102nd World Series in a row, according to the radio on the counter of the diner. The announcers call it the “miracle of the Billy Goat”, citing the security guards at Wrigley Field letting a man with a billy goat in to watch the game. 

Teacher Perry and Perry the Platypus end up having a long conversation about baseball, confusing everyone else with their enthusiastic debate over statistics.

He ends up signing back and forth with lab coat Perry about goings-on at OWCA while Heinz monologues to himself about the laws of thermodynamics.

Either way, they eat, pay, and leave the diner in high spirits. 

They end up camping out in a fallow field for the night, setting up a tent against the side of the interdimensional car. 

Lab coat Perry lights a fire, encouraging everyone to stay up to watch the moon and see the stars. Danville has relatively low light pollution for a city of its size, but Perry still marvels at how many stars he can see. 

Hundreds upon thousands of pinpricks of light fill the night sky, reflecting off the metal of the car. The vast scale of the universe leaves even Heinz silent with introspection. 

When he was younger, he used to look up at the stars and wonder if they were truly alone in the universe. If aliens existed. Maybe, just maybe, there was somebody just like him in another universe somewhere staring up at the same stars and wondering the same things.

Apparently, that was true. 

Perry leaves his existential thoughts behind and instead shifts his focus to the little he knows of astronomy. He does his best to identify a few constellations, connecting the stars with imaginary lines.The Big Dipper is easy to find, as is the Little Dipper. 

Heinz knows a fair few more, and shows him constellations like Orion the hunter, Taurus the bull, and Gemini the twins. 

For a while, they’re content to just sit and watch the night sky, the comforting warmth and scent of the fire surrounding them. The pops of the fire provide a nice background noise for their signed conversations. 

Then teacher Perry pulls out his phone and turns on some soft, slow music, and Heinz stands up. He holds out his hand out to Perry, wordlessly inviting him to dance. Perry remembers the fifties night, the mayor’s cotillion, New Year’s Eve, and he takes Heinz’s hand. 

Slowly, they spin to the beat of the music. Heinz leads, but Perry doesn’t particularly care. He’s content to watch the flickering firelight and gleaming stars reflected in Heinz’s oh-so-blue eyes. To see the carefree, soft smile that’s just for him.

They spin around their campsite, trampling the dried-out grass and weeds in the surrounding area. Perry finds himself relaxing in Heinz’s arms, allowing himself to enjoy the dance. 

The first song draws to a close, another starts. Somewhere behind them, the fire crackles and pops, sending sparks and smoke up into the starry sky. 

Heinz brings his hand up to rest on Perry’s cheek as they dance. Their dance grows slower, more compact, until they’re barely rocking back and forth. The music has been long forgotten, in its place something almost like electricity. Perry’s breath comes just a little quicker, his heart beating just a little bit stronger. 

Is this it? Is this what they’ve been (to excuse the expression) dancing around all summer? Perry can feel the chaos in the pit of his stomach crescendo to a breaking point. He leans in, oh so slowly, hoping this is it. 

A loud snore sounds from over by the vehicle. Heinz flies away from Perry, almost as if stung. Looking over, Perry can see teacher Perry passed out by the fire, glasses tucked into his collar and arm over his eyes.

Moment thoroughly ruined, Perry turns back to Heinz. _We should sleep too._

Heinz nods, a bit reluctantly, although maybe that’s just wishful thinking on Perry’s part. Maybe he was wrong. Interpreting Heinz’s friendly gestures as romantic, viewing everything through rose-tinted glasses. 

Perry douses the fire, then covers it in earth. By the time he’s done, he can see Heinz curled up in the backseat of the car, his lab coat pulled over him like a blanket. 

Everyone else seems to be asleep. Platypus Perry is curled up into teacher Perry’s side, and lab coat Perry looks to be asleep in the makeshift tent.

He should sleep too, but he can’t just yet. His mind turns their moment over and over, trying to make sense of it. They almost kissed, or at least, he’s pretty sure they almost did. He still might be reading the entire situation wrong, placing romance where there clearly isn’t any. 

The near silence of the vast field weighs down on him, spurring his thoughts. He knows he has a crush on Heinz. That much has been painfully obvious for nearly two years now. 

But the chance that it _might_ be reciprocated? It’s almost too much to bear, which is why he still can’t shake the moment. Savoring it, replaying it over and over in his mind, pressing his hand to his cheek in the same way Heinz did.

He looks back to the stars, the shapes of the constellations Heinz showed him popping out among the rest. The soft rustles of the grasses in the field make him melancholy for something he can’t place.

The exhaustion of the day finally begins to weigh on him, and he decides it’s time to sleep. He crawls into the tent, pulling a blanket out of his hat and over himself before slipping into sleep.


	11. Good Morning, Oblivious!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I keep forgetting to link this: [the drawing I did of the Perrys](https://humanperryfic.tumblr.com/post/623034134088105984/if-making-art-of-your-own-fic-is-wrong-then-i)!

Perry groans and throws his arm over his eyes. The sunlight pricks at his eyes, refusing to let him go back to sleep. It’s way too early to get up, his room shouldn’t be this light. 

He must have left his curtains open last night. Maybe if he shuts them, he’ll get a few more minutes of sleep. 

He opens his eyes to look around, squinting against the sunlight. 

Wait a minute. This isn’t his room, it’s not even close. He’s in a  _ tent _ , sitting on dusty ground. Did the kids convince him to do backyard camping again? They must have been pretty persuasive. After last time ended in way too many mosquito bites, he had sworn off camping in the backyard for a while. 

He looks over at the other occupant of the tent.

Another one of  _ him  _ is fast asleep on the ground next to him, his teal hair fluttering over his face with every breath. A fedora lies between them, its scorched brim dusty from the dirt on the ground. It looks just like his, but it isn’t. He can tell. (Although if you asked him what the differences were, he wouldn’t be able to explain.)

For one brief moment, he panics. That’s not Ferb. 

And then the memories of the past couple days come back. He takes a deep breath to calm himself from his momentary freakout. 

He really can’t blame himself for panicking. In his line of work, waking up in strange places usually doesn’t end well. A shudder runs down his spine as he briefly remembers what happened in Moscow two years ago.

He earned a new scar for that one, a jagged one that sweeps across his back in a way that would be poetic if it hadn’t been so damn painful. Another addition to the collection he’s amassed over the years. 

Absently, he reaches up to fiddle with the gears at his neck. It’s a bad habit, but it’s oddly calming. 

Except the gears aren’t there. The locket shaped like a platypus foot isn’t either. They’re both still sitting on the bathroom counter, right between Ferb’s hair gel and the elastics for Candace’s braces.

Because of  _ course  _ he got snapped to another dimension straight out of the shower. Didn’t even have time to get dressed. (Although he’s thankful that he at least had a towel. God, that would be awkward.) 

It didn’t get any less weird from there. He met three people and a platypus who were all technically  _ himself _ , as well as the Doofenshmirtz from the original Perry’s dimension.

Then he helped build an interdimensional car thing, slept on a couch that  _ definitely _ had coffee spilled all over it at one point or another, and found out that the Blue Devils beat 007 in that dimension. (Really, don’t they have enough trophies already?)

And then they had gone on what can really only be classified as a  _ quest  _ to unseat a dictator and return another dimension to normal. 

(Although he does have to admit that seeing Perryborg reuniting with his family made him shed a tear or several. He can’t even begin to fathom how horrible it would be to lose the people most precious to him.)

His back aches from sleeping on the hard ground, so he attempts to stretch out.

It doesn’t work, mostly because the tent is tiny. Even though he’s only five foot four, the tent is still too low for him to properly stretch out. 

The other human agent is still asleep, curled up under his blanket. Perry reaches over and pokes him awake. 

Other Perry sits bolt upright and swings his fist straight into Perry’s gut. 

He wheezes and doubles over with a grimace. Ow. 

Okay,  _ maybe _ he could have handled that better. He can’t even be mad- he’d do the same thing. It’s pretty much a reflex by now. 

Looking up, he sees the other agent sitting there, a look of horror on his face. When he sees that Perry is looking up, he signs  _ I’m so sorry! _

Perry smiles.  _ It’s okay, I shouldn’t have woken you up like that.  _

_ Agent reflexes are great right up until they aren’t, _ other Perry signs, shrugging in a what-can-you-do sort of way.

_ I get that.  _ The two of them stay quiet for a moment. 

_ Where’d you get that burn?  _ Perry asks, pointing at a long scorch mark on the brim of the other’s fedora. 

_ One of Doof’s inators, where else? _ The other Perry smiles as he remembers.  _ Him and his self destruct buttons, honestly. They’re fun, but a bit dangerous. _

Perry smiles. They certainly are.  _ The Candle-inator? _

_ No, the Media-Erase-Inator.  _

_ Oh, I remember that one. That was pretty funny, actually.  _

The other Perry rolls his eyes.  _ Right until it burnt my hat.  _

_ Ever going to replace it? _ Perry asks, already knowing the answer.

_ No way!  _ The other Perry signs emphatically.  _ Not in a million years. _

Perry knows exactly what he means by that. His black-band senior agent hat has too many stories connected to it. Same with his trainee and junior agent hats. Each burn, notch, and stitched together hole has a different mission attached. He’d never replace his hat willingly. 

In a way, he and his hat are similar. Each proudly bears the scars of missions gone both right and wrong. (Not to mention they’re both constantly getting in trouble. The memory of last year’s butlering fiasco makes him cringe on the inside.)

Perry looks back down at the other agent’s hat.  _ Is Agent Yak’s still held together with… _

_...duct tape and prayers?  _ Other Perry finishes with a laugh.  _ Yep. They keep trying to convince him to replace it. He still won’t.  _

_ Can’t blame him, really _ . Something else occurs to him, a knowing grin slipping onto his face.  _ Speaking of OWCA gossip, did you kiss Doofenshmirtz last night? _

Over dinner last night, other Perry had mentioned that Peter the Panda was dating Professor Mystery in his dimension. From there, they had gotten into a lively discussion on the gossip within OWCA. Personally, Perry would never have suspected Carl and Monty would be secretly dating, but the more he thinks about it, the more he admits that it makes sense.

At one point, the topic had gotten back around to the subject of agents dating their nemeses. So Perry had asked the other Perry if he was dating Doofenshmirtz. 

( _ He _ isn’t. In his dimension, he and Heinz have a rather complicated relationship. Not friends, not exactly nemeses, but some mix of the two. With benefits. And Perry’s caught feelings. What a convoluted  _ mess _ .)

The other man had blushed profusely, fiddling with his tie and refusing to look up. After a long moment, he simply shook his head. 

So Perry had made it his mission to get them together by the end of this dimensional road trip. 

He had left them dancing by the fire, staring lovingly into each other’s eyes, surely they had kissed. It was the most romantic moment he could think of on short notice, how could they possibly screw it up?

To say he’s surprised when Perry shakes his head is an understatement. 

Maybe he shouldn’t have thought that moment was impossible to screw up. It involved Doofenshmirtz, of course things would have gone wrong. 

_ Well, why not? _ He asks. 

Perry churrs frustratedly and glares at the ground.  _ The teacher started snoring, Heinz jumped away. Moment ruined.  _

Inwardly, Perry groans. He should have gotten the rest of them in on the plan. Too late now. 

The other Perry continues to sign.  _ He probably doesn’t even like me like that anyway. _

Perry’s mouth falls open. Really? Even  _ he _ isn’t quite that dense.  _ Dude. Not liking you? He looks at you like you hung the freaking sun.  _

_ You’re kidding, right? _

Perry buries his head in his hands. He’d bet his salary for the next month that Doofenshmirtz is just as oblivious.  _ I saw you two last night _ , he signs.  _ It was obvious. _

The other Perry sighs heavily.  _ Sure. Do you think that anybody else is awake? _

Perry raises one eyebrow. Changing the subject, of course. Eh, he’ll let it happen.  _ I see what you’re trying to do. But no, I think we’re the only ones up.  _

_ You want to go for a run while we wait for everyone to get up?  _ The other Perry asks. 

Perry shrugs.  _ Yeah, sure. We’re gonna be cooped up in a car for a few hours, might as well get a workout in.  _ They leave the tent, the other Perry folding up his blanket and removing his waistcoat and tie. Perry chucks the lab coat he’s wearing back into the tent, and they set off. 

They jog out to the dusty road, then follow it down a ways. The sun has risen, but the air is still cool, making it perfect weather for a run. 

By the time they make their way back to the car, the others are in various stages of awakening. Somebody’s rebuilt the fire, and there’s a steaming pot sitting next to it. All three are clutching mugs of coffee.

The other Perry pours himself a mug of coffee, but Perry himself passes. He only really drinks coffee when he doesn’t have time to run in the morning, like yesterday. 

One of the other Perrys makes breakfast, and they eat. 

Perry pretends not to notice when Doofenshmirtz leans on the original Perry’s shoulder, complaining about how tired he is. Instead, he looks at the platypus, who rolls his eyes as if saying  _ I know, right? _

It’s good to know they’re on the same page about these two idiots.

By the other agent’s watch, it’s about eight AM by the time they leave the dimension with the field. 

It only takes them an hour to run into trouble. They pop into a grey dimension, right behind a line of similar dimensional car-like vehicles. Heinz slams on the brakes to keep from crashing into the vehicle in front of them.

Looking out the window, Perry spots a sign.  _ Interdimensional Customs Check- Please have items ready to declare. The following items are not allowed beyond this point: Fireworks, live plants, pepper spray… _ The text gets too small to read after that point.

“You know, when I pictured multiple dimensions, I didn’t think about interdimensional  _ customs _ ,” Heinz says, and Perry has to agree. Heinz has been rambling on about dimensional science and the things that allowed him to bring the other Perrys into his dimension, and he mentioned that the dimensions only open once every five hundred years. 

So the fact that there’s a pre-prepped customs station in what is (according to the DPS) dimension number 131242069F makes very little sense. 

It might be run by people who have much longer lifespans. In fact, that’s probably it. 

But none of  _ them _ live more than 500 years, so hopefully this won’t take that long.

_ Neither do most people, apparently, _ Perry signs, gesturing at the long line of vehicles in front of them.

What a nightmare. Going through customs back home is troublesome enough, where at least you know what to declare and what’s going to happen. 

(And you can flash your OWCA credentials to get through no questions asked, if need be.)

Here, though, there’s no way to tell what they’re looking for, unless you can read the distant print on the sign. And no guarantee that they can get through with a wave of a badge. 

The line crawls forwards, inch by inch. The teacher pulls a travel chess set out of the back, and he and Perry use the board to play “table” football. The platypus pulls a handheld game out of his hat and plays it, filling the car with beeps and boops, and the original Perry keeps playing solitaire on his phone. 

Eventually, they make their way up to the customs agents. Heinz opens the window next to him. 

“Anything to declare, sir?” the agent asks. 

Heinz shrugs. “Four people and a platypus, plus some food and tools.”

“No fireworks, live plants, drugs above class D,” the man continues, Heinz shaking his head after each one. “No...wait, did you say you have a platypus?”

Heinz nods. “He’s a secret agent,” he adds with a grin. 

“Still a live animal, which I’m afraid must be confiscated. Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to pull over to the side for a moment.”

He does, and the man leaves. All of them look back at the platypus, who shrugs.  _ If I get captured, wait just past the checkpoint. I’ve been in worse traps. I’ll be out in half an hour, tops.  _

A minute later he comes back, this time accompanied by another agent. Perry watches as the platypus whips off his hat and vanishes it into thin air. 

The agent comes back, holding a cat carrier. (Maybe it’s a platypus carrier. Perry’s never owned a platypus, he wouldn’t know.)

“Sir, please place your platypus inside this carrier.” At Heinz’s hesitation, he adds, “Don’t worry, he’ll be taken to a humane shelter until he’s adopted.”

The platypus gives Heinz a pointed look, and Heinz gently sets him into the carrier. 

“Thank you, sir, and have a good day,” the other agent says, giving Heinz a paper slip and directing him to pull through the checkpoint. 

He does, parking on the other side. The other agent looks at his watch.  _ We give him a half hour, then we go in after him.  _

The others nod, and sit back to find a way to pass the time. The teacher picks up the platypus’s handheld game and attempts to play it. Doofenshmirtz grabs the chess set out of the backseat, and he and Perry from his dimension play. 

Perry watches as Heinz absolutely kicks the other agent’s ass. After the third game, where Heinz won in six moves, the frustrated agent sits back and fumes. 

_ Mind if I play?  _ Perry asks. 

_ Go ahead, _ the other man signs.  _ I’ve never been able to beat him, not even after four years.  _

_ That long? _

The other Perry just sighs.  _ Yep. _

Perry and Heinz reset the pieces and start another game. They turn out to be pretty evenly matched, and Perry’s almost got Heinz in checkmate when the agent’s watch goes off. 

Half an hour has passed. It’s time for them to go find the platypus. Heinz packs away the chess set, setting it on the center console. The teacher sets down the game. 

_ Let’s go scope out this place,  _ Perry signs. They get out of the car. Heinz shrinks it down and pockets it. 

They look around the complex. The stations for the agents, a small fast-food restaurant, a bathroom building, and a conspicuously large, boxy building make up the premises. 

_ I have a feeling that building is where the platypus is,  _ the teacher signs. 

_ Then let’s get inside,  _ the original Perry signs. 

They boost each other up through a window that the other agent jimmies open. 

Once they’re inside, they find themselves inside a massive warehouse space. Exposed, high ceilings, from which harsh fluorescent light fixtures dangle. Confiscated items and crates are thrown around all helter-skelter, creating massive piles with no discernible organizational structure.

Guards rove around, stepping over and on the items around them. Quickly, the group ducks behind an enormous potted bush. 

The guard passes by, muttering something about “nutty pets causing a ruckus”. 

They look at each other. That’s it! They just have to go in the opposite direction as the guard, and they’ll find Perry. 

Carefully, they sneak through the piles of junk, until they come to a door marked  _ Animals _ . This is it. Heinz reaches for the doorknob, but the other agent tugs him backwards and behind a crate. 

It’s just in time, as a guard rounds the corner not two seconds later. 

_ Okay,  _ the teacher signs,  _ we’re going to need a different plan.  _

_ We need a distraction,  _ the other agent signs.  _ Everybody, look around for something we can use.  _

Perry scans the room, searching for something noisy. If all else fails, he supposes that they could just tip over a pile of crates, but if they can find something else, it’s that much better. 

His eyes fall on a black case with a triple tuning fork logo on the side, and he gets an idea. 

That case is the perfect size and shape for a trumpet. And Perry with a trumpet is the perfect way to cause a major distraction. He taps on the teacher’s shoulder. 

_ You see that case over there? _ He points to the instrument case, watching as the teacher follows his finger with his eyes.  _ That’s a trumpet. I can get you guys a distraction.  _

The teacher’s face lights up.  _ That’s right, you play trumpet. Can you play really high? _

_ I’ll do my best. Of course, I haven’t hit much higher than a double G in a while _ . He scratches the back of his head, a little ashamed of himself.  _ I haven’t practiced in a long time.  _

The teacher smiles.  _ That’s alright, we just need a distraction. Go get the trumpet, I’ll tell the others that you’ve found something.  _ He goes to inform the others of the idea. 

Perry looks at what’s surrounding the case. Suitcases and crates, mostly. Some loose piles of confiscated items, a few potted plants. He launches himself forwards and pulls himself up on top of a crate tower. 

From there, he jumps from tower to tower, lab coat flapping behind him. He almost loses his footing on the tallest tower, but he manages to grab onto the edge of the crate and stay on top. 

He makes it to the black case, opening it up to make sure it’s actually a trumpet. 

It is, and a well cared-for one at that. He checks in the small accessory compartment to check for a mouthpiece, which he finds. (Of course it’s a Selmer. Even in other dimensions, some things never change.) He closes the case and picks it up. 

The other Perrys watch as he hops over the towers, trumpet case clutched in one hand. At one point, he jumps right over a guard, and he can see the group collectively hold their breath. 

He climbs down next to the group.  _ I’ve got our distraction _ , he signs, lifting the case.

The original Perry nods and starts to sign.  _ Here’s the plan... _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a special going on over on [my tumblr](https://humanperryfic.tumblr.com) where you can ask Teacher Perry anything! Asks will close on July 31, 2020, so get those questions in!


	12. Busted (Out of Customs)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For best effect, listen to Yakety Sax during the breakout and chase scene.

Perry rolls over in the tiny cage with a sigh. It’s nowhere tall enough for him to stand, and barely long enough for him to lay down. Not to mention, it's made entirely of plastic far too thick to cut through. Again, he rolls over, trying to get comfortable. 

Unfortunately, he might be here a while. Whether that’s a day or forever, he doesn’t know yet. The other Perrys might bust him out, or they might not. 

Actually, they probably will. If they took on the Doofenshmirtz from Perryborg’s dimension, they’ll be willing to bust him out of here. 

Still doesn’t keep him from being pessimistic, just a bit. 

His boys must be worried sick. He’s never been gone quite this long before. The last time he was gone for anywhere near this long, fighting the Regurgitator, they held an entire concert for him. And that was less than twelve hours. 

He sighs and turns over again. He’s tried everything he can think of to get out of this cage, but nothing’s worked. The bars are too thick to file through. There’s no sunlight to reflect or remotes to trigger. And he left his miniature buzz saw back at home. 

By his watch, it’s been a little over half an hour. He does his best to stretch out in the cage. 

At this point back home, his boys have probably tried all the wacky hijinks they can think of. Knowing his luck, even his Doofenshmirtz probably got in on some of them. 

While they’re all geniuses in their own way, having Phineas, Ferb, and Heinz all working together would probably be a story for the ages. It would truly be an extraordinary event, one that crosses the boundaries of dimensions and investigates what it means to be family. 

He shakes his head. That concept’s practically made for a cheesy TV movie that has few effects (if any) on the actual canon. 

The crowing of a rooster yanks him out of his reverie, and he groans. The constant noise from the other animals is giving him a headache. (Not to mention the _smell_ . Yeah, sure he works in a menagerie of a secret agency, but at least the other animal agents are _toilet trained_.)

The rooster crows again, (who even brings a rooster through dimensions?) but this time it sounds distant. Less like an animal, more like a...trumpet. In fact, from the sounds that he’s heard from the boys practicing their musical numbers, that’s definitely a trumpet. 

Again, the rooster calls out. The trumpet responds, blaring notes. This time, they form the melody of All Star, and Perry groans. If you give an idiot a trumpet…

Someone’s yelling outside the room he’s in. Howling dogs and yowling cats add to the cacophony, only amplifying Perry’s headache. Still, he does his best to see what’s going on. 

Through the bars of his cage, all he can see are the other animals in the room. He can’t even see the door. His field of vision is blocked by a giant dog carrier. 

The bang of a door slamming against a wall startles Perry so bad he jumps and hits his head. 

Rubbing the tender spot where he just brained himself, he watches as Doctor Doofenshmirtz runs around the room, freeing animals from their cages. Each animal, once freed, makes a run for it, barking or squeaking or meowing. 

He chatters to get Doofenshmirtz’s attention. 

“A platypus?” Doofenshmirtz asks, one eyebrow raised in confusion. 

Even in other dimensions, Heinz is still kind of an idiot. Perry rolls his eyes and reaches for his hat. He pops the hat onto his head and Doofenshmirtz’s face lights up. 

“Perry the Platypus!” he exclaims, dashing over to Perry’s cage. Go figure. How many teal platypuses exist in Doofenshmirtz’s world? 

Apparently, enough so that he gets messed up. Either that, or he’s really face-blind. Heinz starts to fiddle with the locks on Perry’s cage. “Damn, they’ve got you locked up tight here. Must’a heard that you’re a secret agent, huh?”

Someone knocks on the doorframe, and Heinz snaps around to look. Perry cranes his neck, but he can’t see who it is. 

“We gotta get out of here, Perry the Platypus,” he says. “Don’t think I can undo these locks that quick...so hang on!”

Perry’s eyes go wide. The last time someone told him to hang on, he went on a terrifying roller coaster of a driving test around Drusselstein. He lunges for the bars of the carrier and clings as tight as his paws can hold. 

The carrier lurches, and suddenly, he’s being taken for a ride. He stares out the grille of bars at the front of the cage at the scene before him. 

Piles of stuff litter the giant warehouse-like room in front of them. He saw these before when he was being taken in, they’re nothing new. 

What _is_ new are the guards running everywhere, the animals darting around, two of the other Perrys tipping towers of crates and throwing things to create even more chaos. 

The _pièce de résistance_ has to be lab coat Perry, standing atop the tallest tower, red in the face and screaming out notes on his trumpet higher than Perry ever thought possible. That’s no ordinary idiot with a trumpet- that’s his idiot!

“Got him!” Doofenshmirtz yells, and the two Perrys creating chaos turn to look. Heinz lifts the carrier, and Perry feels his stomach plummet as he’s hoisted into the air. He looks around the room from his vantage point. The human agent not playing trumpet frisbees a couple plates across the room, then gets to work hauling open one of the bay doors. 

At the first sight of fresh air, the animals start to book it outside. Heinz follows, the carrier bouncing along. 

Behind them, another tower of crates topples with a crash. The trumpet-playing Perry also seems to follow, based on the undignified parp that echoes around the room. 

Heinz, of course, trips over something on their way out the door, sending the carrier with Perry in it tumbling over and over. Perry clings to the bars for dear life, watching as the world spins round and round. 

The crate hits the ground with a crack. Dazed, Perry stares at the crack until he gets a brilliant idea. He throws himself against the wall of the carrier, causing the crack to widen. Again and again he repeats the actions, until the plastic shell breaks and he’s standing free in the morning sun. 

He takes a moment to make sure nothing’s broken or bruised too badly before he keeps going. 

Unfortunately, barely ten seconds later, the teacher trips over him. Perry churrs out the equivalent of a stream of curses in platypus-speak. 

The teacher’s eyes widen. He glances around, then scoops him up and runs. Perry would take a moment to be indignant, but it’s honestly for the best. His short platypus legs don’t exactly lend themselves to running quickly.

Perry looks behind them. Four customs agents are chasing after them, to varying degrees of success. One of them, the one on a sort of hovering segway (which has to be the stupidest looking thing Perry’s ever seen), is actually closing the distance between them. 

He reaches up and tugs on the teacher’s teal tie. Once he has the teacher’s attention, he points back at the people following them. 

The teacher looks back briefly, then somehow runs even faster. 

Perry watches as the people chasing them still close the distance. He braces himself for capture, _again_ , when the guy on the floaty segway falls to the ground. The others fall in quick succession, splaying out on the cement. 

Briefly, he can see Heinz standing behind them, a cobbled-together -inator in his hands. The Perry without the lab coat stands next to him, holding his grappling hook aloft. They exchange a high-five, then run to catch up with Perry and the teacher. 

From somewhere to the side of them, the sounds of trumpet notes blare. He peers around the teacher’s side to see lab coat Perry somehow running and playing at the same time. 

Unfortunately, while his playing may have distracted the agents earlier, it’s attracting them now. Like moths to a lamp (he feels a strange compulsion to put an umlaut over the A in lamp, but he shakes it off), the customs agents are drawn to their strange group. 

They end up in a tight clump, running around the complex, still drawing the attention of the agents. Perry scans the surroundings for the dimensional car, but he doesn’t see anything. 

The Perry without the lab coat churrs and points at his wrist. Heinz’s face lights up in understanding. He stops and places the miniaturized version of the car on the ground. Motioning for everyone to stand back, he presses a button on his wristband and it expands to full size.

Everyone crowds inside the dimensional car, and Heinz starts the engine. He watches out the window as the customs agents get closer. They’re almost to the car when it launches into the air and into the dimensional slipstream. 

Perry breathes a sigh of relief. That was...weird. He notices his game system sitting on Perryborg’s old seat, and he leans back to grab it. He’s almost got it when a chess piece the size of his head (possibly a side effect of the shrinking and growing that the dimensional car has done) flies back from the front seat and knocks the system onto the floor. 

Lab coat Perry notices and hands him his system. Perry signs _thank you_ and puts it back up in his hat. 

_No problem,_ the other Perry signs back. 

Perry sits back, before something occurs to him. _So what was the original plan?_

 _What, for getting you out?_ The teacher signs, joining the conversation.

Perry nods. _Yeah. That was way too chaotic to have been your real plan._

The other Perrys and Heinz exchange looks. Oh god, was “grab the breadsticks and run” their entire plan?

 _Actually, that was the plan_ , the Perry in the front seat signs. 

Perry buries his face in his hands. How are these people that are technically him such idiots?

One of them clears their throat, and he looks up. 

_It worked, didn’t it?_ Lab coat Perry signs. 

Perry has to admit he’s right. It worked. They got him out of there.

It only takes a half hour or so for them to get to Perry’s dimension, a half hour full of him ribbing the others for their awful planning skills (and the others making fun of him for his inability to bust out). 

Finally, though, they touch down somewhere in southern Danville. Close to his home, but not so close that Phineas and Ferb will see. 

Perry hugs each of his travelling companions, then hops out of the car with a salute. 

The other agents salute back, then wave. The car blasts off without a look back. 

Perry starts the walk back home, being sure to roll in some mud and stick burrs in his fur as explanation for his absence.

Eventually, he walks back through the gate of 2308 Maple Drive and into the backyard, being sure to switch back into mindless-pet mode. 

His boys are sitting under the tree in the backyard, despondent. Phineas absently tinkers with something, Ferb doodles spirals on his blueprint paper. Even from here, he can tell they’ve been crying. Their eyes are rimmed in red, and he can hear Phineas sniffle. 

Perry pads over to them, letting his eyes go vacant, even though they threaten to well up with tears. He missed his boys.

He churrs, and Phineas looks up. 

“Perry’s back!” Phineas exclaims. A smile lights up Ferb’s face as he drops his pen and leans over. 

They both reach for Perry, but stop short once they realize that he’s all muddy. 

“Silly boy needs a bath.” Phineas’s face lights up in the way that means he’s gotten another one of his brilliant ideas. “Ferb, I know what we’re going to do today!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A fic and an update in the same day? Crazy talk!
> 
> Comments and kudos always appreciated!
> 
> Oh yeah, and the Perryverse ask special is still going on on [my Tumblr](https://humanperryfic.tumblr.com)!


	13. A Brand New Reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to arc #3, where things get unapologetically weird. 
> 
> TW's for injury and mild blood at the end of the chapter.

Everybody breathes a sigh of relief when they lift off, hurtling back into the sky. Two Perrys returned, two to go. Halfway done returning the others. Then he and Heinz have to get back to their own dimension. 

With the way things have been going, he wonders if they’re going to get home in time. By his calculations, they’ve got about twenty-eight hours left.

Or maybe they’re going to be ambushed by interdimensional pirates. Something like that would be just about par for the course, actually. With all the other weirdness...

Wouldn’t that be strange, having to fend off pirates? What would an interdimensional pirate ship even look like? Would it have sails? Would those sails affect the ship’s speed and acceleration? Is there any such thing as drag in the interdimensional continuum? How do the four forces of flight even work in the space between dimensions?

He ponders these questions as they continue moving through dimensions. The dimension flashes are teal now, for some reason. 

Hey, it’s no stranger than the rest of the things they’ve encountered. Why _shouldn’t_ they be teal? And why _shouldn’t_ they encounter interdimensional pirates?

Life’s little mysteries, he supposes. 

He looks back into the backseat. The other Perrys are signing back and forth about the soap operas from their dimensions and comparing the “plots”. He joins in, discovering that Troubled Days is the same in all of their respective dimensions. 

Well, it’s a soap opera. It doesn’t exactly have a complex plot. Marriages, divorces, cheating, and pregnancies. 

And lots and lots of yelling. There’s always yelling about said marriages, divorces, cheating (oh god, those episodes are just non-stop screaming), and pregnancies.

A beeping noise comes from the dashboard just as the teacher finishes his english teacher-esque, sarcasm-filled analysis of one of the plotlines. 

“Well, that’s not good,” Heinz says. Perry turns to look. There, blinking right by the speedometer (measured in dimensions per hour, not miles), is a low-fuel indicator light. The single blinking, red light sends Perry’s stomach plummeting. 

Yeah, that isn’t good. He doesn’t know what fuel this car uses, but he doubts they could find it in any old dimension. 

Or maybe they can. Who knows. 

“Let’s land in one of these dimensions and see what we can find. Strange, I thought that the fuel I put in would have lasted.” Heinz gets lost in thought and technical ramblings as they slow down. 

“Of course!” he exclaims a few moments later, startling everybody in the car. “All the shrinking and growing must have used more fuel than expected. Can’t believe I overlooked _that_.”

That surprisingly...makes sense. Maybe it’s the lack of fuel that made that one chess piece quintuple in size. It’s still rolling around in the backseat, randomly smacking into things. 

The car lands in a dimension full of forests. Heinz maneuvers them down into a clearing, landing with a soft thump. “This thing takes rocket fuel, anything that’s ninety percent water or more, and maple syrup,” he says, motioning towards the dashboard. “You guys go see what you can find, I’ll make sure nothing else is being affected by the shrinking.”

They exit the car, each of them grabbing a pair of buckets. The giant baby head follows them, then flies off into the woods on its own with a happy gurgle. 

The Perrys share a look, the teacher shrugging. Stranger things have happened, Perry supposes. If this is the baby head’s home dimension, so be it. One less entity to return. 

They trundle through the woods a little while, stepping over tree roots and underbrush. The teacher attempts to identify some of the plant life they pass by, eventually just giving up and making up amusing names like “Probably Not a Maple Tree” and “Unpronounceable Latin”. 

The lab coat Perry pauses. _Hold on, do you smell that?_

Perry stops and sniffs at the air. _Maple syrup_ , he signs, and the teacher nods. 

They follow the scent until they come across a river. A brown, sticky, sludgy river of what else, but maple syrup? 

Well, it _could_ be honey, or maybe oil, but if it looks like maple syrup, flows like maple syrup, and smells like maple syrup...

 _That’s convenient,_ the teacher signs, peering down at the slow-moving river. It is. It’s almost _too_ convenient. 

Perry wonders if this means something worse is right around the corner. Aren’t good things always happening before the universe royally screws people over in stories? 

Eh, they ran out of fuel. That’s not a good thing. And since this is obviously _not_ a story, he chooses to ignore it. They say truth is stranger than fiction, and this is truly the strangest few days in Perry’s life. 

They make their way down to the river, getting sticky dirt all over their shoes. Lab coat Perry volunteers to be the one filling the buckets. He hangs onto a tree branch and fills the buckets, handing the filled ones up to Perry on the banks of the river. 

As soon as he finishes filling the last bucket, the branch snaps. Lab coat Perry (and the branch he’s still holding onto) plunge into the river with a strange noise that’s not quite a splash and not quite a slurp. 

Once Perry realizes the other him is alright (the river doesn’t seem to be any deeper than about a foot and a half), he devolves into silent, wheezing laughter. On his left, the teacher seems to be in the same predicament, shoulders shaking.

 _Yeah, laugh it up,_ the other Perry signs, maple syrup dripping from his hands. _So funny._

 _It really is,_ Perry signs, watching as the other stands up. He’s got so much syrup in his hair, it drips down in amber drops. The combination of the colors isn’t exactly the best either- his hair’s become a rather unpleasant shade of greenish-brown.

 _You guys suck_ , he signs, the motions sticky from the rapidly-drying syrup. 

_Anybody know where we can get some pancakes?_ The teacher jokes, and Perry doubles over from laughing. 

_I prefer waffles_ , he signs once he can breathe again, watching as lab coat Perry frowns and crosses his arms.

 _Jerks,_ lab coat Perry signs as he attempts to wring the syrup out of the coat. _You’re all jerks._

 _Yeah, but you like us,_ the teacher signs. 

Lab coat Perry sighs and picks up his buckets. Perry and the teacher follow suit, and they walk back where they came. 

They only get marginally lost on their way back, arguing whether they went left or right from the tree with the moss shaped like a heart. (As the teacher and the lab coat Perry bicker, the other agent’s words come back to him. Does Heinz really look at him like he hung the sun? Is his love really requited, or is he just trying to justify his emotions? He resolves to think about it _later_.)

“Hey, I found a gas station,” Heinz calls out as they approach the car. “Really, it’s more like a rocket fuel station, since they sell rocket fuel, but whatever. They take maple syrup as payment, so I hope you found- _mein gott_ , what happened?”

 _I fell in a river of syrup,_ the lab coat Perry signs, setting down his buckets. 

Heinz winces. “Well, it’s a good thing I brought a spare change of clothes. Heyyy, did you say syrup?”

 _Yes,_ Perry signs. _A whole river of it._

“Cool! C’mon, let’s go, I think they have a shower there. ‘M sure they’ll let you clean up. You know, I think they use syrup as currency here. Isn’t that strange?”

Perry nods along as they carry the buckets to the fuel station. It isn’t too far away, about thirty feet into the woods in the opposite direction from where the Perrys wandered off. 

They can even see the ship from the station. 

Thankfully, the floating heads in charge of the gas station (so they really did have a floating _baby_ head) take the buckets as payment. They also let lab coat Perry into the back to clean up. 

Perry offers to go back to the ship and retrieve the spare clothes from the back. As he’s rummaging through the back, he accidentally knocks over a toolbox. Nails spill all over the floor of the car. He sighs and picks up every nail he can find, stuffing them back into their box. 

He leaves the car with the spare clothes and heads back to the fuel station. 

Standing just outside the door menacingly are four bright purple...goo monsters? That’s honestly the best way to describe them, as they’re made of purple, shiny goo. 

Perry walks past them, slightly uneasy at the way they don’t even seem to have eyes. Or mouths. Or appendages. 

Strange. 

One of the goo monsters follows him in, setting him on edge just a bit more. He goes to stand by the door where the other agent disappeared. 

The monster grunts something towards the head floating at the counter. The head nods in understanding (boy, that’s weird to watch), then the monster oozes out the door. 

“Excuse me, sirs?” the head asks once the monster is out the door. Heinz looks up from where he’s fiddling with his phone. 

“Yeah?” he asks. 

“I’m sorry to inform you, but this gentleman says that you have committed a great sin against his people. He requests that you exit this building so you may duel.”

Whaaaa? 

“What did we do?” Heinz asks. 

The head hums. “The Egdian people are extraordinary empaths. They picked up on your friend’s mild uneasiness and took it as an offense. So they request a duel.”

Perry gulps. Oh no. Looking out the sliding doors of the station, he can see the goo monsters standing outside. Somehow, they look threatening. 

Heinz gulps behind him. 

Perry turns, signing a single motion. _Run._

“Agreed,” Heinz says, and they exit the station. 

The instant they’re outside, they flat out sprint towards the car. Perry can hear the unsettling slorp of the monsters following them. 

They jump into the car, Heinz rushing to start the engine. One of the goo monsters slams into the side of the car just as it lifts off into the air. 

Heinz’s hands are tense on the wheel, the speedometer nudging against the edge of the red zone. 

Perry turns around to make sure the other hims are alright and still in one piece. The teacher looks a bit shaken, but otherwise okay. 

And the other agent is…wait a minute, where is the other agent? 

Oh _shit_. 

The other agent is still in the forest dimension. The dimension with the goo monsters. The dimension where they just ran away from a duel. 

Perry’s eyes go wide, and he tugs on Heinz’s sleeve to get his attention. 

“What is it, Perry?”

Perry signs out their current predicament, his hands moving at warp speed. 

“Hold on, slow down. I can’t understand you when you go that fast.”

Perry takes a deep breath to calm himself, just a bit. _We left the other agent in the dimension with the monsters._

Heinz’s jaw drops open, and he utters a long stream of German curses. 

Once he’s calmed down a bit, he sighs. “We have to go back for him.” He pulls into a random dimension and sets down on the ground. Thankfully, this dimension is just a bunch of cubes. Nothing attempting to eat them, at least not yet. 

Perry looks out the window at the cubed trees and sun as Heinz works with the DPS’s laptop.

“Oh come on,” Heinz says, poking at the laptop connected to the console. 

_What is it?_ Perry signs, looking over his shoulder. The screen is a confusing mess of code that he doesn’t understand. Sure, he knows enough to get into encrypted files and override evil devices, but this is far beyond that. 

“To go back and get our other Perry, we’re going to have to go through about five hundred thousand _more_ dimensions.”

 _ETA?_ teacher Perry finger-spells from the backseat, one eyebrow raised. 

“Two hours,” Heinz sighs and rests his head on the wheel. “Sorry, guys. This is all my fault.”

Perry churrs to get Heinz’s attention. The man barely rotates his head, but Perry knows he’s watching. Once Heinz is looking at him, he signs _Not your fault. I got us into this whole mess. You didn’t do anything wrong._ He puts one hand on his back, rubbing small circles as he signs _it’s okay_ with the other. 

_We’ll get him back_ , he finishes. _I'm sure of it._

“You really are special, Perry the Platypus,” Heinz says with a smile. “I hope you know that.”

 _So are you,_ Perry signs. They stay like this for a few moments before Perry realizes he’s still got his hand on Heinz’s back. He pulls his hand away awkwardly, staring out the windshield. (Is it really a windshield if there’s no wind to block? Is there wind created by this dimensional travel?)

 _We should get going,_ Perry signs. _We can’t leave him there for long._

“Yeah,” Heinz agrees, lifting into the sky and pulling into the dimensional slipstream.

The cool, detached voice of the DPS speaks up. “Take a U-Turn at dimension 39568042, then continue forwards towards User Two’s dimension.”

“Oh, come on.” Heinz complains. “Just like a normal GPS, freaks out if you go off the road to get gas. Or to retrieve someone you left behind at the gas station. Perry, would you tell it to locate User Two?”

Perry pulls the laptop towards him and gets to work on setting up the location system. 

Heinz sighs. “I hope he doesn’t hold a grudge. Jeez, you abandon your ex-wife on _a_ ccident at a gas station a couple times and she never lets you forget it.” There’s a backstory there, Perry’s sure of it. “You know, since this thing’s an AI, you’d think that it would-”

He’s cut short by _something_ slamming into the side of the ship. Perry, who completely forgot to do up his seatbelt when they rushed away from the dimension with the goo monsters, is suddenly thrown from his seat. The world flips end over end in his vision as he’s thrown into the backseat. 

Out the windows, he can see them crashing through dimensions much slower, losing speed and altitude. 

They crash to a stop in some strange dimension, going right through the window of a skyscraper. Glass shatters around their car, sending crystalline fragments spiraling through the air. The netting holding their cargo breaks, and things fall on him.

Once they’ve come to a stop, Perry sits up to look around. Or at least, he attempts to. Supplies cover him from about the mid chest down. 

Heinz and the teacher get out to look around. Perry catches a glimpse of smoke outside the windows, and he hopes that’s not the engines. 

He carefully lifts a few pieces of miscellaneous stuff off of his chest, including the very same tool box he knocked over earlier.

His left side screams in pain as he twists to set the box aside. Somewhat afraid, he sets the box down and takes a look at his side. 

Oh look, he’s been impaled. A nail is buried in his side, half way between the bottom of his ribcage and his hips. 

Apparently, he didn’t pick up all the nails he spilled earlier. 

“Hey Perry, could you come look at this?” Heinz calls out, concern thick in his voice. 

Perry gulps. If Heinz sees that he’s injured, he’d definitely freak out. Which means they’d lose even more time. And if they run into trouble, well, he’s the most competent fighter they’ve got. Unless the teacher is some sort of martial artist or something, which he kind of doubts. 

No, he’s got to hide this.

Quickly, he does his best to cover the injury with a bandage from his hat, covering that with his waistcoat. 

It won’t work for long, he’s still in pain, and he’s sure to be caught later, but it’ll work for now. 

As he exits the car, he sees exactly what Heinz is worried about. The engine is smoking, sending foul-smelling clouds into the air. 

Despite how much of a Bad Thing that is, it’s not what Heinz is freaking out about. 

Huh.

Apparently, interdimensional pirates _do_ exist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is why you wear seatbelts, kids
> 
> Perryverse ask special still running for a few days on [my tumblr](https://humanperryfic.tumblr.com)!


	14. Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Stayin' Alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW's for blood, guns, violence, and injury. (yes this chapter is a bit insane, why do you ask?)

The agent’s eyes go wide as soon as he sees the pirates. Perry watches as he slowly steps out of the ship. He may not be an agent, but he can still recognize how the other is sizing up their opponents. 

Perry looks back at the small group of pirates standing by their own ship. 

Well, they might not actually be opponents. They might just want to trade or something. But based on their armor (and the very scary weapons they’re wielding) he’s not very confident about that. 

He looks at the pirates with a critical eye, scanning for weaknesses. Four figures, standing about as tall as him. They’ve got electric blue scales covering their bodies. Thick armor with spikes covers their somewhat human-like forms. Each holds a weapon of some sort- a sword, a bow, a mace, and something resembling an assault rifle. Their faces are somewhere in uncanny valley with how close-yet-not they are to humans. 

And they’ve got a skull and crossbones painted on the side of their ship. If there was any doubt they were pirates, this silences it. 

Perry clears his throat to get Doofenshmirtz’s attention. 

_You fix the engines, we’ll deal with these guys,_ Perry signs once he’s looking.

“But you can’t talk?” Heinz asks.

_It’s unlikely they even speak English. Or German, for that matter. We’ll have to rely on pantomime. Besides, we need you to fix the engines so we can go._

“True. Holler, wait no, you can’t do that. Throw something at me if you need me, okay?”

Perry smiles. _Okay._ Doofenshmirtz goes into the car to get tools out. On his way, he bumps into Perry’s left side. The agent does his best to conceal a wince, but Perry can still tell he’s in pain. 

Something’s wrong. This is the same agent that could (and did) fight two of the robots from Perryborg’s dimension at the same time. And he came out of that fight without a scratch. 

He’s ninety-seven percent sure that this dimension’s Heinz also has titanium arms, maybe they shocked the other Perry? Either way, something happened. 

Three loud bangs echo behind him. Perry whirls around to find the four pirates leveling their weapons towards them. Plaster rains down from the ceiling, where the bullets must have gone. Doofenshmirtz pokes his head out of the car. 

_Hurry,_ Perry signs as the agent drags him away. 

More shots echo through the air, loud bangs that leave his ears ringing. Man, guns are a lot louder than they are in the movies. _You got any sort of experience with this stuff?_ The agent asks as they run. The other him pulls them in a zig-zag, then into a side office. 

_What, fighting interdimensional pirates? Nope, gotta say this is a first._

_You know what I mean. Well, you’re a teacher, so at least you’ve got active-shooter training._

Perry sighs. _Unfortunately._ Danville is a rather secure place, in the grand scheme of things, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have to do school-shooter training.

The agent puts one hand to his right hip. _I have a pistol, but I’d rather keep lethal force for a last resort._

An arrow crashes through the office window and lodges itself in the wall right beside Perry. He picks up a plant from the desk and throws it in the general direction of where the arrow came from, then ducks behind the desk.

A clank, then a thump echo through the building. Perry peers over the desk to see the pirate with the bow knocked out on the ground. 

_Well, that was easy,_ he signs. 

_Yeah, but now they’re mad,_ the agent replies. 

Unfortunately, he’s right. The other pirates are glaring and slowly advancing. 

_We gotta get out of this corner_ , the agent signs. 

Perry glances around the office. It’s your average office, minus the plant sitting on the desk. Any plan involving that has already been thrown out the window. (Literally.)

 _Here’s the plan,_ the agent signs. _Throw things at them and don’t stop moving._

 _Nice plan_ , Perry replies. 

_There’s a bit more. If I yell, get down and cover your ears._

_You can speak?_

_Sort of. I’ll explain later,_ the agent signs. The door opens, to reveal one of the pirates, the one with the sword. They level their sword at the two of them. 

Perry picks up a rather ugly paperweight and throws it at the intruder. It hits the pirate right in their face. 

The pirate stumbles backwards, hitting one of its comrades with a thunk. Agent Perry grabs his wrist and they jump through the broken window. 

Part of the broken edge of the glass grazes the outside of Perry’s other wrist. Barely enough to draw blood, but enough to elicit a surprised gasp of pain. 

_You okay?_ The agent signs. 

_I’m fine,_ Perry replies, showing the barely-bleeding scratch. 

_Be careful_. The agent picks up a knick-knack from one of the cubicles and presses it into Perry’s hands, then pantomimes throwing something. 

Perry nods and grabs a few more things from the top of a desk. He turns and chucks a picture frame at the pirate with the sword, then a potted fern at the one with the mace. 

Continuing along like this, he picks up random things and throws them at the two melee fighters. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see the other Perry diverting the pirate with the rifle. Occasional shots ring out through the air, accompanied by banging and cursing from Doofenshmirtz fixing the engines and the smashing of a sword against cubicle walls. 

A somewhat mangled yell barely recognizable as “Get down!” echoes through the office space. That must be the agent. Perry hits the deck, slamming his hands over his ears. Another gunshot, this one of a different timbre, fires off. 

Perry looks up to see the pirate with the rifle clutching his hand. The rifle falls to the floor with a clatter. About ten feet behind him, the agent re-holsters his pistol. 

He turns back around to face the other two pirates. Except now there’s only one, the one carrying the mace. 

Where’d the other one go? Perry looks around, picking up a wireless (thank god) keyboard. 

Oh shoot. That sword is right behind the agent, poised to attack. Perry gestures frantically towards the agent, who turns around just in time to catch the flat of the sword against his left side. 

The agent hisses in pain, doubling over. Perry launches himself at the pirate, the keyboard in his hand slamming into their neck. The pirate goes down, hitting the ground with a clank. 

Perry looks back at the agent. He’s bleeding from his side, where the sword hit. 

_Are you alright?_ He asks, holding a hand out. The agent smiles, although it ends up looking more like a grimace. _I’m good,_ he signs, even though he’s still wincing. _It’s not my blood_. 

He’s lying. He’s got to be. That bloodstain is growing, and the agent is clearly favoring his right side. Not to mention his face is still betraying his pain. 

But Perry can’t exactly do much while they’re fighting pirates. All he can do is keep their last opponent away from him. And hope that whatever injury he’s suffered isn’t too bad. 

Hopefully it’s just a flesh wound and nothing that’s a big deal. Although with the way that stain is still expanding, crimson overtaking teal, he kind of doubts that. 

Perry picks up a mug from someone’s desk and throws it as hard as he can at the pirate with the mace. It shatters as soon as it hits its metal helmet. The pirate turns towards him, and Perry’s stomach drops. 

He really should have thought this through. Hey, nobody ever said he had good decision making skills. Desperately, he looks around for something he can defend them with. 

A loud bang echoes from over by the dimensional car. The pirate turns towards the sound, and Perry seizes the opportunity to strike. 

He wraps his hands in somebody’s forgotten coat and picks up a long piece of broken glass. Two steps, and he’s hitting the mace-wielding pirate with the flat of it. 

The pirate falls to the ground and collapses into dust, armor and all. The only evidence that they even existed is the mace still on the ground. 

Well, it’s not the weirdest thing he’s seen today. 

“Hey, the engine’s fixed now,” Doofenshmirtz calls as he walks around the ship, wiping the grease off his hands. “So we can get- oh no.” The rag drops from his hands. “Perry, are you alright?” 

The agent nods. _It’s not my blood_ , he signs, despite the fact that the stain has only grown since he got hit. It’s soaked through part of his waistcoat and has even spread to his pants. (And the fact that apparently the dimensional pirates don’t have blood.)

“Are you sure?” Doofenshmirtz asks, in a way that doesn’t really sound like a question. The other Perry nods. 

_If that’s not your blood, then you’ll be fine showing us that you’re uninjured,_ Perry signs. The agent blanches. _There’s no need to do that,_ he signs. 

Yep. He’s hurt, alright. The only question is how badly. _Sit down and show me._

The agent sits heavily on the ground among the broken glass and scattered papers. Perry watches as he winces. How bad is it? How much pain is he really in? 

The other Perry unbuttons his waistcoat, then the bottom of his shirt to reveal hastily-applied bandages. 

Bandages soaked through with blood. No wonder he’s so pale. 

Carefully, the agent undoes the wrappings on his left side, revealing an entire nail embedded in his flesh. 

Perry’s eyes go wide, and his breathing picks up. Holy cow. That’s not good. In fact, _not good_ is a complete understatement. 

_When did this happen?_ Perry asks. He’s pretty sure that none of the pirates had a nail gun, but he refuses to think about how long the other him has been hiding this. Since the crash? He did hit the cargo in the back pretty hard...

 _When we crashed,_ the agent replies. Well, at least he hasn’t been hiding it for longer than...Perry checks his watch. About half an hour since they crashed. 

Heinz runs into the car, returning with the first-aid kit. It’s nowhere near enough to help, they’ll need to find a real hospital, but it will help stop the blood that still trickles down the agent’s side. 

He looks around while the scientist re-bandages the wound. 

_We crashed into an office building, right?_ He signs, thinking out loud (for lack of a better phrase). _There’s probably a usable phone in here, and we can call for help._

“I’ll shrink the car so we can escape if need be,” Heinz says, wiping his hands off. 

_Sounds good. I’ll carry Perry, you find a phone._

_I don’t need to be carried,_ the other Perry protests, a thoroughly indignant look on his face. _I’m fine. I can walk._

“No, you’re not. You have a _nail_ in your _side_.”

_I’m an agent. I’ve been through worse._

“So? You’re still hurt. Let teacher Perry carry you.” 

_I can walk, I’m not weak,_ the agent signs insistently. He attempts to get up, a grimace painted on his face.

“Oh, I’m sorry I don’t want you to _die_!” Doofenshmirtz snaps with a ferocity that Perry’s never seen before. A look of apology flashes onto the agent’s face, but it’s too late. Heinz has turned away, shaking. 

“Let’s go,” Doofenshmirtz says, quietly this time, his voice shaking. Perry picks up the agent, who doesn’t protest. 

* * *

Perry picks up the clothes from outside the fuel station’s small bathroom, then quickly dresses. It already took long enough for him to get rid of all the syrup, the others are probably bored out of their minds. Thank god that there was a shower here. He’d hate to have to go home covered in maple syrup. 

And thank god Doofenshmirtz brought an extra set of clothes. Honestly, with the way he goes through lab coats in _his_ dimension, he doesn’t doubt the necessity. 

Although he does feel a little bad about falling in that river and making them fall behind. Hopefully, his dimension isn’t too far beyond the teacher’s. 

He exits the bathroom, doing his best not to trip over the ridiculously long pant legs. Seriously, Doofenshmirtz is built like a freaking beanpole. 

Speaking of Doofenshmirtz, where is he? And where are the rest of the Perrys? 

He relays these concerns to the floating head behind the counter. 

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the head says. “They were threatened by the Egdians and left. Not that I can blame them, I wouldn’t want to have to duel those guys either.”

Perry doesn’t hear any more after that. They left. Just like that. They saw their opportunity to leave and they did. 

He supposes it was inevitable. Everybody leaves. Why should...he be any different? Why should Doofenshmirtz be any different? Why should anybody be different?

What did he do wrong this time? 

The babysitter left because he broke a lamp. She never came back. Neither did his parents. His foster parents always left him behind for little things, so many times he’s forgotten the specifics. Doofenshmirtz left him for another nemesis because...well, he’s not sure about that one. 

Perry did something, though, because he left. He came back, but he _left_. 

Maybe that’s why he’s afraid of admitting his feelings. Doofenshmirtz would _leave_ him. Just like everyone else. 

And now here he is, left behind in a dimension that still reeks of maple syrup. Left behind by himself. 

Oh, that’s what he did. He fell into the maple syrup and ruined the other Doofenshmirtz’s clothes. He caused them to feel the need to leave. He was the one that caused this. The head says it was monsters, but that’s just an excuse. 

God, he’s useless. He’s just waiting for the day that Lawrence decides to kick him out. For the other shoe to drop. 

Maybe he doesn’t have to worry about that anymore. If he’s stuck in this dimension, who cares? 

He’ll be the one to leave. The one to disappear without a single look back. 

That thought makes his stomach churn. He’d promised, years ago, to never leave without saying goodbye to anyone or anything. (He’s bid farewell to empty rooms before. It’s only a little awkward.) And he didn’t say goodbye to anyone. 

Perry’s so lost in thought that he doesn’t even notice the burlap sack thrown over his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final day to submit questions to the Perrys on [my tumblr](https://humanperryfic.tumblr.com) is today! 
> 
> Hey look at that, I finished 7 chapters in July! If I keep going like this (no promises lmao), I should be done early September!


	15. An Interlude of Introspections

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW's for injury, kidnapping, and mentions of firearms.

Heinz sighs and very carefully fiddles with the resistor deep in the workings of his left arm. His eyes blur out of focus a bit as he strains to see the workings without a magnifying glass.

Usually, he wouldn’t be _wearing_ his arm while he works on it, but he doesn’t exactly have his backup arms with him. 

And he’s bored, so what else is he going to do? He’s been far too busy with building the dimensional -inator (what did he call it again? He can’t remember) lately to install the upgrades he’s planned, so he might as well do them now. 

Of course, he doesn’t have the parts or specialized tools (most of which he invented out of necessity) for most of them, but he can still work on one. Optimizing the power output to make the batteries more efficient. 

They already have almost four days of battery power on max usage, but it couldn’t hurt to have a little more. Once he’s back in his lab, he’s got a few ideas to add another couple days of battery time. 

Days that he really could have used when he was building the dimensional -inator. His primary arms died about halfway through building it, which meant he had to paw his way through the rest of the building. 

It’s honestly a miracle that it worked. Of course, his -inators only work when they cause the most trouble possible, so this shouldn’t have shocked him. 

So here he is, sitting in a hospital waiting room waiting for his _nemesis_ , while he’s sitting next to _another_ version of his nemesis. A version that teaches high school ASL. 

Strange. These past few days have been very strange, this is just the cherry on top. 

He puts his multitool down, setting it on his left knee. He snaps the panel on his arm shut with an air of finality. There, now he’s got about five more hours of power. (Depending, of course, on the usage. _Technically_ , he can use his arms to jump-start a car or power medium-sized electronics, but it zaps the power just like _that_.)

His multitool falls off his knee and into the bag at his feet, knocking against something inside.

The bag holds everything Perry had shoved into his hands right before the doctors took him back. The bag contains, in order:

One beat up fedora that somehow weighs barely anything. Heinz had poked around a bit in it earlier, and there was a veritable toolbox, first aid kit, and survival equipment all packed up there, among other things. He has no idea how it all fits, nor how it ends up weighing almost nothing.

One OWCA watch, probably standard-issue, with a small scratch across the screen. The band is worn where it connects to the face of the watch. A few pinpricks on the underside of the face suggest the presence of a microphone. 

One cell phone, an older model in a plain case. Heinz had turned it on earlier. Obviously, it’s password protected, but he had seen the lock screen. It’s still a default color-bubble pattern. 

One plain brown wallet, containing the average contents of a wallet. The only difference is a picture of Perry, carrying two young boys in his arms and a young girl sitting on his shoulders. Heinz barely knows anything about Perry’s family, but these must be the niece and nephews all the Perrys were talking about. 

One plain pistol and holster. Perry had checked the safety twice before handing it over with a stern look. Only now does Heinz realize that Perry, as an agent, likely wears this gun on his hip on every mission. Including the ones at Doofenshmirtz Evil, Incorporated. He’s not quite sure what to feel about that.

Three knives, all in their own sheathes. One from his wrist, one from his back, one from his calf. Heinz’s stomach churns as he thinks about how many different weapons Perry has at his disposal every time they fight. How many he might not have seen yet. And still, he’s never used them. Not once. He’s not quite sure how to feel about that. 

One black flip-sleeve, containing a somewhat dulled OWCA badge and credential card. Heinz pulls this out of the bag along with his multitool. He flips it open, looking at Perry’s photo on his identification card. His face is set in his usual stoic expression, glaring at the camera. The signature underneath is looping and fancy, something Heinz finds amusing. A stoic agent, having such an _elegant_ signature. Much prettier than his own chicken scratch.

Heinz reads the details on the card. Name, Fletcher, Perry Bartholomew. (He makes a mental note to make fun of Perry for that later. Seriously, Bartholomew?) Rank, W-A. Date of birth, March 14, 1983. Code name, Platypus. Heinz skims over the other details on the card, height and weight and sex, all things he knows already. 

He runs his thumb over the text. The card moves just a bit, revealing another under it. Curiosity piqued, he slips the card out to reveal another, almost identical card underneath. The photo is almost the same, Perry wearing an identical expression. In this picture, he looks just a bit younger. 

The only thing different is the rank, S-A. Heinz wonders what the letters mean. Senior Agent? Semi Aquatic? Silent Asshole? He pulls the second card out of the sleeve, revealing another. Perry looks much younger in this next photo, probably somewhere in his late twenties. Rank, J-A. His hat has a forest green band instead of a black one. The next one, rank T-A, where Perry’s even younger and sort of smiling. His hat has a yellow band this time. 

There’s another card under that, but it’s kind of stuck, so Heinz doesn’t bother trying to get it out. It’s likely no different.

Heinz flips over the first card, the one that’s the most recent. The back has a barcode on the back similar to the one on the back of his driver’s license. Underneath, in plain printing, is a small paragraph. 

_In event of agent death, notify:  
_ _Lawrence James Fletcher  
_ _2308 Maple Drive, Danville  
_ _Tri-State Area, United States, 53925_

There are more words under that, but Heinz has stopped reading at that point. This is too personal. Knowing your nemesis’s rank and birthday is one thing, but knowing who they’d _deliver the body to_ is something else. Something he’s not sure that he wanted to learn. 

He carefully stacks up the cards in order and fits them back into place, then slips the holder back into the bag. 

The Perry sitting next to him, the teacher, puts down his magazine and sighs. _Same old boring magazines, even in other dimensions._

Heinz laughs, snapping out of his contemplation. “Well, at least there’s one constant in every dimension.” 

_Yeah._ The teacher considers something. _Wonder if there’s more?_

“Who knows, there might be.” Heinz laughs. A question he’s had on his mind for a while re-surfaces. “Is the, uh, me in your dimension an evil scientist too?”

The teacher laughs. _No, he teaches biology. He does always joke about reanimating the frogs, though I’m not sure he intends that for evil purposes._

“Huh. I guess I’ve always kinda wanted to teach, but I never really gave it any real thought. Didn’t think I’d be good at it.”

_Well, in my dimension, you’re quite good at it. You’re the one everyone wants for IB bio._

“I am?”

_Yeah, you are. You didn’t see me say this, but the ou of my dimension is so much better than Cohelo, the other IB bio guy._

Heinz laughs. “Well, it’s nice to think that there’s at least one dimension where I’m doing something good with my life.”

_Oh, you’re doing fine in your dimension. The Perry of your dimension says you’re a mechanical genius, and I believe it._

“I don’t know if I’d go that far,” Heinz mumbles, heat rising in his cheeks. Perry thinks he’s a genius? He finds that a little hard to believe. Although he’s not going to say no to a compliment from Perry. 

_Well, you did bring three people and a platypus out of our respective dimensions and invent a way to get all of us back. Even if it isn’t going so well, it’s still incredible that you were able to do it at all._

“Thanks,” he says, and they fall silent. 

After a few minutes, Perry taps his elbow. “Yeah?” he says. 

_So how long have you had feelings for your Perry?_ The teacher asks, the corners of his mouth upturned in a knowing smile. 

“I- I’m sorry, what?” Heinz sputters, his cheeks burning bright red. “Where did you get _that_ ridiculous idea? I don’t have feelings for him!”

The teacher’s deadpan look is one for the ages. _Really._

“Really! He’s just a really good friend, that’s _it_.”

“Are you sure about that?” a deep and tinny voice behind them says. Heinz whirls around to see some girl holding a phone in a glittery purple case, an apologetic look on her face. 

“Dead meme ringtone, my bad,” she says to the room at large, and leaves the waiting area, phone pressed to her ear. 

Perry gives Heinz a pointed look. Strange as the circumstances may be, it’s still a valid question. _Is_ he sure about that? Is he absolutely, _one hundred percent_ sure that he doesn’t have feelings for his nemesis, Perry the So-Attractive-It-Should-Really-Be-A-Crime Platypus?

Oh.

He’s such a _dummkopf_. 

He deals with this realization by eloquently groaning and slamming his head into his hands. 

Considering that his hands are titanium, this hurts. Well, ap _par_ ently he has a rather thick skull, so it’s not that bad. 

“Okay, _fine_ , Professor Nosy,” Heinz grumbles, “I do have feelings for him. Are you happy now?”

_Not quite._

Heinz curses, earning a glare. Once a teacher, always a teacher, he supposes. “What do you mean, not quite?”

_I think it’s best if you admit those feelings._

“Oh nononono no no _no_. Haven’t I suffered enough emotional upheaval yet today? Besides, someone like _him_? All _suave_ and _attractive_ and _manly_ and…” He pauses. “Okay, yeah, looking back, I _was_ pretty oblivious. Anyway, someone like him liking someone like me? No way.”

At the teacher’s pointed look, he huffs. “And yes, I _am_ sure about that. Where did this come from anyway?” 

The teacher lifts his hands to sign something, so Heinz looks around to find something to change the subject to. 

His eyes land on the band around the teacher’s ring finger. Before the other can get a single sign out, he blurts out “Are you married?”

Perry looks down at his hand and blushes. Ha, subject change successful. _Engaged, actually. Our wedding is this January._

“Oh yeah? Who are you marrying?”

 _One absolutely exceptional biology teacher._ At Heinz’s blank look, he sighs. _I’m marrying the you of my dimension._

“Oh! Wow, congratulations. How did that happen?”

 _I admitted my feelings,_ the teacher signs, completely deadpan.

Heinz huffs. “Okay, okay, I get it.” He pauses. “So how did you do that? Y’know, admit your feelings?”

Perry smiles. _He came into my classroom at the end of the day and asked me to dinner. I asked if he meant as a date. He said yes, but only if I wanted it to be a date, and it was okay if I wanted to just stay friends. So I kissed him to shut him up._

“Aww,” Heinz says. Then something occurs to him. “Hey, you didn’t admit your feelings! _He_ ’s the one that actually went and asked you on a date, you just took advantage of that. You have _no right_ to lecture me about feelings now.”

The teacher lifts his hands to sign something, but is cut off by Doofenshmirtz talking. 

Not him. Another Doofenshmirtz. 

“Perry, is that another one of _me_?”

Heinz turns around. Standing there, dripping rusty water and holding another Perry’s hand, is another version of himself. 

Oh boy. 

“Come sit down and we’ll explain…”

* * *

 _So you’re saying one of me is sitting next to you, while you’re waiting for another one of me, so you can go back and get a third me that you accidentally left behind._ The other Perry’s signing is slow, everything spelled out in abbreviations due to the metal sticking out of his arm (Heinz isn’t sure he wants to know how that happened). 

Heinz smiles. “Yeah, basically.”

 _You want to know the crazy part?_ The teacher asks. At the other’s nod, he signs _There was a platypus that’s also a Perry too._

“Don’t forget the cyborg,” Heinz reminds him. 

_Yeah, him too._

“Jeez, sounds like you guys are on quite the adventure,” the other Doofenshmirtz says. 

Heinz nods. “Adventure of a lifetime.”

“Percy Fisher?” a nurse calls out. Teacher Perry and Heinz stand up, waving a quick farewell to the other selves. (Thank god they used a fake name, this could have been much more awkward.)

“Your, um, brother will be fine,” the nurse says as he leads them back. “We’d like to keep he- him overnight for observation, but you can see him now.”

He opens a door, revealing the other Perry sitting up in a bed and picking at the covers. “I’ll be back once visiting hours are over,” he says, and leaves the room. He shuts the door on his way out, leaving them alone. 

_You alright?_ The teacher signs. 

Perry shrugs. _Been better._

“This whole stay-overnight thing is gonna mess us up something awful,” Heinz muses. 

_Yeah, we’re not doing that_ , Perry signs. 

“What?” he asks, incredulous.

 _We don’t have a lot of time to lose,_ Perry signs. _All I need is a shirt, since everything else is in there_. He gestures at a bag at the foot of the bed. _Maybe pants, depends on how much blood got on there._

“You sure you’re up for escaping and all that?” Heinz asks. 

_I got shot through the lung in Greece three years ago, stitched myself up, and still finished my mission. Compared to that, this is a walk in the park._

“Okay, but you’re not going to be doing any more fighting,” Heinz says. “And that’s final. I don’t want you hurt even more.”

Perry nods, almost reluctantly. _Okay._

The teacher churrs behind them. Heinz turns around to see the teacher holding up a set of scrubs. _These work?_ He asks. 

Perry nods. Heinz picks up the bag at the foot of the bed and hands it to Perry, along with the bag holding the contents of his pockets (among other things). 

_Turn around_ , Perry signs, and they do. 

A few minutes later, Perry churrs, and Heinz ventures a look back. He’s wearing his fedora and watch, although the knife from his wrist is nowhere in sight. Apparently, his pants were too far gone to wear, as he’s wearing the scrub pants. Now that Heinz knows where to look, he sees exactly where Perry’s wearing his pistol and the other two knives. 

_Ready?_ He signs. 

Heinz looks around the room. “Yeah,” he says, “but where are we going to leave from? I mean, if we go out there, then we’ll get caught…” he trails off. 

Perry jerks his thumb towards the window. 

“Oh no,” Heinz groans. “You can’t be serious.”

Perry rolls his eyes. _It’s on the ground floor, we’ll be fine. You go first, get the car out. We’ll follow you, and we can leave._

“Are you one hundred percent sure?” Heinz asks, one last time.

_Just go through the damn window._

“Okay, _yeesh_ , no need to _yell_ at me,” Heinz grumbles, opening the clasp on the window. He pulls it open, surprised that no alarms go off. Stepping through, he surprises himself by only getting stuck once.

He emerges from the window into a parking lot. Rummaging through his pockets, he pulls out the car and sets it on the ground. He backs away and presses the button on his wrist. (It’s just a wristband, not wired into his arms. He didn’t have enough time to do that.)

It’s not long before the car is full-sized again. Both Perrys are right behind him as he climbs into the car. Thankfully, he was able to fix up the engines (and give them some extra power and reinforcement) while they fought pirates, so they’re able to blast off right away. 

He fiddles with the laptop on the console, setting the DPS to go back to the fuel dimension. 

“Let’s keep going,” Heinz says. “We’ve got a Perry to pick up!”

* * *

Perry wakes up tied to a chair with a bag over his head.

Hey, it’s not the first time. He flexes his wrists, finding that the ropes holding him are quite frayed and loose. 

Idiots. If you’re going to kidnap someone, at least put some effort in. Carefully, he maneuvers his hands so that he can untie the knots, which slip open easily. 

Okay, this _definitely_ doesn’t feel right. This is _way_ too easy to be true. Something twists in his gut, curling itself up in anticipation of a fight (or flight, depending). 

He frees his hands and pulls the bag off his head. Blinking against the harsh lights, he looks around the room he appears to be in. Concrete floor, walls, and ceiling. One wall has a mirror set into the wall, another has a metal door with no handle.

Hey, even his kidnappers (what did that head call them, the Egghead people?) left him. How...fitting. 

Perry quickly frees his legs from their loose bindings and walks over to the mirror. He presses his thumb against it. No gap, just like he suspected. It’s one-way glass, not a mirror. 

Strange. They kidnapped him, and they aren't even going to do anything but observe him? Very strange indeed. They couldn't just toss him in the woods or something? 

Perry walks around the room, eyes scanning the walls and ceiling for cameras and microphones. When he doesn’t find any, he carefully examines the chair, ropes, and bag. 

Yep, there’s a microphone, adhered to the underside of the seat. He doesn’t know what it’s meant to pick up, since he’s mute. 

He shrugs and sits underneath the one-way glass. There’s got to be a way to get out of here. 

But if he’s going to find his own way home, he’s got to have a plan.

Hmm. What to do…?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Perry they meet in the hospital is from [you're a mess, but you're my mess](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23557609).


	16. Action, Adventure, and Awkward Conversations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was supposed to go up yesterday but I watched Spiderman instead. 
> 
> TW's: None

Perry sits back in his seat and fiddles with his pen. Beginning of the school year, first three day weekend, and here he is travelling through dimensions with himself, himself, and another version of his fiancé. Not to mention the cyborg version of himself and the him that’s a platypus. 

What a weekend. Overthrowing a regime, fighting pirates, another version of himself falling into a river of maple syrup. And now he’s going back to the syrup dimension to retrieve that very version of himself. 

Weirdest. Road trip. Ever. 

If someone had told him about this even an _hour_ before he got zapped, he would have laughed in their face. 

But hey, Danville is a strange place on the most normal of days. It was only a matter of time before something like this happened. 

Thankfully, there have been answers to most of his questions. They’ve been travelling away from the pirate and hospital dimension for about an hour, which has been enough time for him to ask all the questions he can think of. 

Which means he knows everything he ever wanted to know about dimensional science, as well as cheese making, sponges, and the molecular composition of whiteboard markers. It turns out that this Heinz gets distracted and rambles about whatever comes to mind as much as the one in his dimension. 

There is one thing he wants to know, though, so he puts his pen back in his pocket and taps the agent’s shoulder. Agent Perry is sitting next to him instead of shotgun. Something about being less likely to injure himsef back here. 

_Can I ask you a question?_

_Yeah, sure,_ the agent replies, _as long as I can ask you one._

 _Okay, sure._ Perry hems and haws over the wording before he just bites the bullet and asks. _So you can talk?_ It’s a little blunt, but how is he supposed to lead up to that? Small talk about the weather? 

If the agent is surprised, he doesn’t show it. _Sort of. It sounds really strangled and it hurts, but in an emergency, I can. I was born with warped vocal chords that only got worse as I grew up,_ he explains. _What about you?_

_Can’t talk at all. I was born without vocal chords._

_Wow, I didn’t even know that was possible,_ the agent signs. 

Perry shrugs. _It is, I guess. On the other hand, how many people can say they have a birth defect named after them?_

_Wait, really?_

_Yeah, Fletcher’s Absence. It’s got an overly technical Wikipedia page, and a rather lengthy section on my own._

The agent holds up his hands. _Wait a minute. Am I interpreting this right, that you have your own Wikipedia page?_

Perry nods. _Perry B. Fletcher, a British-American gymnast as well as the only person known to have Fletcher’s Absence._

_You’re a gymnast?_

Perry shrugs. _I was, and a pretty good one at that. Won two Olympic silvers and a whole host of other things._

The agent’s eyes are wider than silver dollars. _You...wow._ He shakes his head. _And now you’re a high school teacher._

_Well, what else was I supposed to do? I mean, I got my degree in education._

The agent shrugs. _I suppose. I really don’t know much about gymnastics._

A few minutes pass as the conversation lulls. The other Perry has folded his arms, holding onto his elbows, somewhat hunching over himself.

 _You okay?_ Perry asks. _Should we have stayed in that dimension with the hospital?_

The agent shakes his head sharply. _I’m fine._

Perry narrows his eyes. _Yeah, and you said that with a nail in your side, so I don’t quite believe you._

The agent’s expression softens. _Okay, okay. I’ve got some weird burn scars on my arms that I’m kind of self conscious about._

He considers this. If the stories the agents have told are to be believed, they have to deal with exploding -inators on a regular basis. And it’s instinctual to protect yourself with your arms. It makes sense.

Although, if he’s telling the truth, why would he be ashamed of these scars? They’d be a normal part of agent life. 

But maybe he doesn’t want Heinz to know about it. Although surely he would know about them as well? 

It doesn’t quite add up, but he’s not going to press it. If the other Perry doesn’t want to talk about it, he’ll respect that. As long as he’s not in danger. 

The agent starts. _Say, I never asked my question._

Perry smiles. _Then ask it._

Agent Perry briefly considers his wording. _Who is he?_

Perry stares. _What?_

The agent points at the ring finger on his own left hand before continuing to sign. _You’re either engaged or married. And while there are billions of dimensions, I don’t think there’s a single one where I’m straight._

Perry smiles. _That’s probably true, actually. I’m engaged to the Heinz of my dimension, who teaches biology._

_You are?_

Perry nods. The agent fiddles with his watch for a moment before continuing to sign. _Is he nice?_

_He’s the best. You should really give yours a chance._

This time, it’s the other agent who’s confused. _What? How did you figure that out?_

_It’s kind of obvious._

_It is?_

Perry laughs. He had seen them dancing by the fire, completely absorbed in each other. If he hadn’t been told otherwise in a conversation with the lab coat agent, he would have thought them to be in a relationship. (Evidently, they're not. Also, apparently he snores.)

 _Either way,_ the agent signs, _it’s never going to happen._

_Are you sure?_

The agent glances back over to Heinz, who is cursing and messing with the DPS. 

_I’ve never had much success with relationships,_ he signs, _and I’d rather keep him as a friend then lose him after an unsuccessful relationship._

_Hey, I had the same problem with relationships. I think it’s the muteness. But I took a chance and look where I am now._

The agent shakes his head. _It’s more than that._

_What, is it the agent thing?_

_No, that part is fine. Lots of paperwork, but I’m used to that. It’s...something else._

_Whatever it is, it can’t be that bad, right?_

The agent shakes his head again. _It really is that bad. It kind of ended almost every romantic relationship I’ve ever had on the spot. I even lost my first nemesis over it, and I didn’t even have any interest in her like that._

 _Besides,_ he continues, _I’m pretty sure Heinz is straight._

Well, that’s a ridiculous statement if Perry ever heard one. _Straight_ and _Heinz_ do not go together. The car slows down, softly landing back in the same clearing from before, ending their conversation. 

_So where do we go from here_? Perry asks. 

“Probably the fuel station,” Heinz says. “The giant head might be able to help us.”

They leave the car and head to the fuel station. Heinz and the floating head have a conversation, which Perry mostly tunes out. 

He does, however, hear the more crucial pieces of information. 

It turns out the lab coat agent got kidnapped after they left. 

The good news? It turns out they can get him back.

The bad news? They’ll have to duel the blob monsters to do so. 

He and the agent fought off pirates while the agent was injured. They can do this, right? 

The head offers to take them over to where the blob people are, and interpret for them. They take it up on that offer. 

Perry can’t help but feel like someone’s watching as they trek through the woods. A glance over shows the agent, just as uneasy. If these blobs were able to kidnap an entire OCWA agent, what keeps them from kidnapping the rest of them?

They reach a rather tall tree, which the head stops in front of. 

“Just press the third knothole up,” it explains, and the agent does. The tree opens up to reveal a chute downwards. 

The agent laughs. When Heinz inquires why, he merely points to the entrance, then his hat. 

“You have entrances like these at home?” Heinz asks, and the agent nods with a smile. 

Perry shakes his head. They’re both incredibly quick on the uptake when it comes to just about anything but each other’s feelings.

One by one, they step into the chute and slide down. Perry finds himself laughing as they slide down. This is _fun_! Well, as fun as knowingly walking into a duel for another person’s life (maybe) could be. 

Meanwhile, Heinz is frozen in utter terror, the head is banally smiling as it floats down, and the agent is checking something on his watch.

The land, one by one, in a cavernous room. Perry gazes around in awe at the crystalline ceilings and decorations. The strange gurgle of a maple syrup waterfall fills the room with its strange sound.

One of the goo monsters walks (oozes?) into the room. He gurgles something at the head, who makes similar noises back. They trade noises for a while until even the agent is visibly unsettled. 

Finally, the head turns back around. “They have decided to hold a simple test so that you may prove yourself worthy of having your friend back.”

Simple. And a test instead of a duel. That’s good, right?

“The test will have three parts. An intellectual test, a riddle segment, and a hand-to-hand combat duel.”

Perry gulps. Okay, maybe not so simple. 

“You have three minutes to decide which of you will take which segment, after which your choices are locked and you must begin the test. Your time starts…”

The goo monster gurgles.

“...Now.”

Heinz and agent Perry look at him. _I’ll take the combat one,_ the agent signs right away. 

“What? No you won’t. You’re injured. I’ll take it.”

_No offense, Heinz, but you don’t really know how to fight._

“What do you mean? Yes I do.”

_You’ve only ever fought me, and you lose every time. You don’t have a lot of combat experience._

“But I can’t let you fight while you’re hurt!”

_I know how to deal with it._

“Yeah, and you dealt just fine with a nail in your side.”

_Actually, I did just fine._

Perry churrs to head off the argument. _I’ll do it._

“What?” Heinz exclaims, at the same time Perry signs it. 

_I held my own just fine against the pirates. Heinz, you take the intellectual test. Perry, you take the riddles. There, problem solved._

“Are you sure about this?” Heinz asks. Perry merely nods. Yes, he’s sure. 

_No way!_ The agent signs. _Are you kidding me? That was throwing things at a distance. You have even less fighting experience. I’ll take the combat test, you take the riddles._

“But you’re still injured!”

_Need I remind you of the fact I was shot through the lung and still managed to complete my mission? I’ll do it, and that’s that._

“Have you decided on your tasks?” the head asks. They nod, Heinz a bit reluctantly, and the head asks for them to follow it. 

They make their way through a winding series of hallways, tunnels, and staircases. Heinz has to duck a few times to avoid hitting his head against pipes and low-hanging lights. 

It must be nice being tall, Perry muses, but times like these would certainly put a damper on the spirits. A quick glance over to the other agent confirms his suspicions- the other agent is just a wee bit taller than him. 

They emerge into a room with three doors. Another blob monster stands in this room, holding a rather scary looking ray gun. It gurgles at the blob monster, who responds in kind. Again, they hold a conversation that sounds like a clogged drain. 

Once they finish, the head turns back to them. “It’s time for the tests. They’ll be all at the same time, and they shouldn’t take longer than twenty minutes. Whoever’s taking the intellectual test, stand in front of the left door. Combat, in front of the right door, and riddles in front of the middle.” 

Perry walks over to the center door, his stomach churning with nerves. Something feels off about this whole affair, but he shakes it off. Surely, if this was a trap, the agent would say something. Looking over, Perry can see the agent facing straight forwards, hands in his pockets, looking somewhat relaxed. 

Well, that’s good, at least. 

After a few seconds, the door opens and he steps through into a dark room. 

The door shuts with a click, then the lights snap on. 

A single, concrete room with a toilet, sink, and bed. A slot in the wall and an oddly large vent in the ceiling, maybe two feet by two feet, above the bed are the only exit points beyond the door where he came from. 

Perry turns around to the door. Solid, smooth metal with no handle. 

It was a trap. So his Spidey senses were right. Something was off. 

Or maybe this is the riddle? It might be, although he has no idea how this could be a riddle. Did something get lost in translation? Or did the head just blatantly mislead them?

Either way, this was a _very bad_ idea. 

The vent rattles, then the grate falls to the bed. Perry braces himself for something to fall out and attack him, or maybe ask him riddles. 

Neither of those things happen. Instead, a person with teal hair looks through the opening. 

_Perry?_ He asks. The guy waves, and Perry can now tell that he’s wearing a lab coat that’s too big for him. It _is_ him!

 _What are you doing here?_ He asks. 

_R-e-s-c-u-e,_ lab coat Perry spells out. _J-u-m-p._

Perry looks around the room. The ceiling is kind of tall, so he’s going to have to jump up off the bed to get into that vent. 

He takes three steps and propels himself upwards. Thank god he’s stayed in shape after all these years. 

Catching the edge of the vent, he pulls himself up with a little help from the agent. The ventilation shaft is just big enough for him to sit upright, although it’s a close fit. The other agent is already sitting up with them. 

A grate rattles not much further down, and soon Heinz has joined them. 

_Is anybody injured?_ Lab coat Perry asks. When the other agent nods, he continues. _I found this cool device not too far out of the way that can heal almost anything. At least, that’s what it says on the side. Heinz could probably confirm that._

 _Then let’s go, and get out of here,_ the original agent signs. 

The way down the tunnel is long and dusty and Heinz complains up a storm, but it’s not long until they’re emerging into a storage closet. 

Lab coat Perry rummages around in a box before pulling out a ray gun looking thing. It doesn’t look too scary, thank god. 

There’s writing on the side, but it’s in Japanese, so Perry doesn’t know how to read it. Apparently both of the agents do, though, since they start signing to each other about if they should trust it. 

They involve Heinz in the conversation as well, and he eventually figures out that it’s okay. Finally, they fire it the original agent, flooding the room in purple light. 

After a few seconds of blinking the spots out of their eyes, the original agent checks under the bandages on his side. 

All that’s there is a small, round scar. Huh. 

“Well, now that that’s been taken care of,” Heinz says, “let’s get out of here.”

They boost each other back up into the vents, and the lab coat agent leads them back out to the surface. 

The scent of maple syrup is thick in the air as they emerge. Perry looks around and realizes that this is the same spot where the lab coat agent fell into the river. 

He points this out to said agent, who pretends to shove him in. Both Perrys tease the lab coat agent as they make their way back towards the car.

As the car lifts off, four people finally in tow, everyone breathes a sigh of relief. 

“So, after we um, got spooked and left, what happened?” Heinz eventually asks, breaking their reflective silence.

Lab coat Perry’s eyes widen. _You got spooked? What happened?_

 _Yeah, we offended the blob monsters,_ original Perry signs from his seat. He’s sitting shotgun again, with the excuse that he needs to keep Heinz from getting distracted by the DPS. _The ones that kidnapped you. What, do you think we left you on purpose?_

Lab coat Perry looks down at his lap, not saying anything. 

Oh. He really does think they just left him there. 

_...yes,_ he signs after a long moment. _I mean, I wouldn’t have blamed you. Everybody leaves, I’m used to it._

Perry taps him on the shoulder to get his attention. _Hey, look at me._ The other Perry does, a little reluctantly. _We didn’t want to leave you. We got scared by the blob people. But guess what? We came back and got you._

The original agent turns around in his seat. _Besides, I’ve never left another agent behind before. I’m not breaking that streak._

Lab coat Perry laughs. _Okay, okay, I believe you._

He doesn’t really believe them, Perry can tell, but at least he’s feeling a little better. 

The conversation shifts away from such a heavy subject, into a lively discussion between the agents about OWCA’s stupid rules. 

Perry really had no idea that they couldn’t date other agent’s nemeses. Their own nemesis? Sure. But not others. 

This discussion eventually morphs over to talking about schemes and traps. The agents compare the traps that their Doofs have set for them over the years. Eventually, the topic winds back over to the lab coat agent’s kidnapping.

 _You want to know the best part? Heinz will want to hear this,_ the lab coat agent signs. _They didn’t even trap me properly! I woke up and got out in like five minutes. Worst part was finding you guys, that place was a maze._

“Seriously?” Heinz asks. “What’d they do?”

_Bagged my head, tied me to a chair. So cliche, honestly. And the ropes were loose, and the chair wasn’t even bolted down._

_That’s pretty lame,_ the original agent signs. _Did they have you in a cement room with one-way glass or something?_

 _They did,_ he signs. _Stupid bright fluorescent lights and all. Can’t evil blob monsters ever spring for better lighting? Any decor?_

Perry’s eyes go wide. _How did you get out? Did you do some super fancy spy moves?_

The lab coat agent laughs. _If by “super fancy spy moves” you mean chucking the chair through the glass, then yes. Like I said, the hardest part was actually finding you guys._

Well, that conversation effectively killed Perry’s entire perception of secret agents. Who knew James Bond wasn’t realistic?

Finally, they reach his dimension. Home sweet home, finally. 

The ship touches down on top of their apartment building, right over the old Diminutive Evil, Incorporated sign. The evil scientist who used to work up here, Doctor Diminutive (there’s a guy with a Napoleon complex, eh?) got arrested, so his place is empty. 

Or at least, it’s supposed to be empty. The people in charge of monitoring evil science in his dimension (probably also OCWA or whatever that secret agency is, now that he thinks about it), after seeing Norm and Heinz’s arms and a few of his other inventions, allowed him to use the old lab. 

Perry’s nephews love him. They spend the weekends building all sorts of cool things together. And since they’re always supervising, Candace feels less of an urge to bust them. 

It’s great all around, really. 

Perry steps out of the car to see his Heinz working on something on one of the workbenches. He churrs, and Heinz looks up. 

His face lights up as soon as he sees Perry. “You’re back!” he exclaims, running over to Perry and hugging him tightly. He can’t _quite_ pick Perry up, but he still tries, which makes him laugh. 

Perry smiles and pulls back just enough to press a kiss to his lips. God, he’s glad to be back. He’s pretty sure that they would have made it in time, but there was still a possibility that he’d never make it back. 

That was the worst part of the whole journey. Not the pirates, not the evil Heinz abusing Perryborg. The very real possibility of never seeing the people he loves again? Now that’s scary. 

“Aww,” the other Heinz sighs from behind them, and Perry remembers the other people that traveled with him. He turns around to see the other Perrys and the other Heinz standing just outside the dimensional car.

“Is that _me_?” his Heinz asks, and Perry nods. “Cool!” 

The original agent smiles. _As much as we’d like to stay and talk, we do still have to get home._

“Yeah, that’s right,” Heinz says. “Hey, if there’s ever a...oh, what’s the word, sequel? No, that’s not it. Eh, if this ever happens again, we’ll catch up.” 

_See you in five hundred years?_

The lab coat agent laughs. _Hey, if immortality is ever a thing, I don’t see why not._

 _It was real fun travelling with you guys,_ Perry signs, and he means it. Despite all the crazy things that happened, he had a really good time. 

“Bye, Perry!” the other Heinz says, and the others climb back into the dimensional car. Perry and Heinz wave as they blast off, disappearing into another dimension. 

_So what’s this?_ Perry asks once they’re gone, gesturing towards the invention Heinz was working on. 

“Oh! It’s a thing I built you to bring you home out of whatever dimension you were in.”

 _You knew I was in another dimension?_ Perry asks. 

“Well, I went up to your classroom after I finished cleaning up mine, and you weren’t there. But your grading stuff was still out, and there were some minor scorch marks around your desk, which made me pretty suspicious. So I activated the old energy scanner on my right arm, which is kind of on the fritz. I really need to _fix_ that, but I can’t find the parts I need at the hardware store. Of course, the -Inator Emporium has the things I need, but they won’t give me the time of day over there. Probably because I’m not evil or something.”

Perry claps his hands to get Heinz’s attention. _About the energy?_

“Oh, right, sorry about that. Anyway, there was some pretty crazy dimensional energy flying around, which I thought was a misreading until I got my actual scanner in there. You know the one, we had to dig it out from under the rest of the random stuff up here in the beginning of summer.”

Perry remembers that week, where they had gotten access to the lab and gone up to look at it. It was a _mess_. Even with how long they spent working on it, there’s still a few things even Heinz isn’t sure about. 

“Even then I was pretty suspicious until I remembered reading about the whole every-five-hundred-years thing and that the window was coming up. You’ve heard the story about how I got really into dimensional stuff in college. Might have majored in it if I wasn’t so interested in bio and mechanics all that. Hey, did you know that dimensional energy flares exist when the dimensions aren’t aligned? They cause dimensional drifting, which randomizes the order of the dimensions when they align again. Cool, huh?”

It _is_ cool, but he’s going off on another tangent again. _Were you going to tell me what this is?_ Perry asks, gesturing towards an invention that looks pretty similar to the one from the dimension he originally got zapped into. 

“I was, wasn’t I. So anyway, I figured you just got zapped into another dimension. I had to build a Bring-Perry-Back-Inator, of course. Didn’t want you trapped in another dimension for the next five hundred years. That would be bad. I was almost done with it, actually, when you blasted into this dimension with this car thing.”

Perry crushes Heinz in another hug. He built an entire invention, something incredible and complex, just to retrieve him. When they separate, he looks up at Heinz with a grin. _Yet you never believe me when I call you a genius._

Heinz returns his smile. “You know, just this once, I think I might believe you.”

Perry rises up to kiss Heinz again, this time deeper and slower now that they don’t have an audience. 

_So what are you going to do with this?_ Perry asks once they finally split, gesturing towards the invention. 

“Oh, I’ll think of a use for it later.” He wraps an arm around Perry’s shoulders, and they head down out of the lab. “Right now, though, I’d like to hear about all these other dimensions.”

Perry smiles. _Well, I think I should start at the beginning..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will not be a sequel. I have too many plot bunnies and WIP's to consider a sequel.


	17. (Not A) Big Deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 2230 my time so this chapter is _barely_ on time. 
> 
> TW's in the end notes because they're a bit spoiler-y.

Perry slumps over and sighs. Driving through dimensions seems like it would be exciting, but it’s actually really boring. Boy, Heinz wasn’t kidding when he called it a dimensional road trip. Complete and utter boredom only interrupted by occasional excitement. 

Although he supposes that their version of excitement is a bit different than most people’s. Most people don’t end up getting kidnapped by blob monsters on their trip to see Grandma. 

And he still has no idea what happened to the other Perry. He just showed up, in scrubs and injured somehow. Whatever it is, at least they fixed it with that healing ray gun he found. 

Perry sits back up. He’s bored, but he can get through this. Only for a few hours while Heinz rests. 

Heinz had been complaining about how tired he was (apparently, he had stayed up for days on end to build the -inator, which sounds about par for the course), so Perry had volunteered to drive. The other Perry, the original one, is still sitting shotgun, sort of curled up on himself and staring out the window at the colorful flashes of color as they pass through dimension after dimension. Heinz is asleep in the back, snoring softly. 

Now that it’s just them awake in the mostly-quiet car, Perry’s mind wanders. The dimensions flash before them in bursts of color. 

He churrs softly to get the other agent’s attention. Once he’s looking, Perry signs _Got any good music?_

_You like jazz?_

Perry shrugs. _Not really._

 _Yeah, me either. I don’t actually have any jazz._ The other agent pulls his phone out of one of his pockets and plugs it into the aux cord. _No idea why Heinz bothered adding a sound system when we were strapped for time, but it’s not like I’m going to wake him up and ask._

The car fills with the soft sounds of the first movement of Moonlight Sonata. Perry groans. It’s been years since he played any piano besides backup for Phineas and Ferb’s musical numbers, but he still remembers the hours he spent practicing classical piano in his youth. Which brings up a whole host of memories he’d rather not think about. _You don’t have anything else?_

 _I have classical and heavy metal._ He looks back towards Heinz, a soft smile spreading across his face. _I don’t think heavy metal is a very good choice right now._

 _Yeah, probably not._ Perry smirks. _You’re so far gone for him._

_I am?_

Perry sighs. _Far gone is an understatement, honestly. How long have you been in love with him?_

The other agent gulps. _I don’t know. Three, four years? Consciously, about two._

_And you still haven’t told him yet._

_Of course I haven’t. I have no idea if he’ll take it well._

_Come on,_ Perry signs, rolling his eyes. _I’ve seen the way he looks at you. You guys are a match made in heaven._

_That’s not quite what I was talking about._

_Well, what were you talking about?_

The other Perry shakes his head. _It’s not important. He's probably straight anyway._

_I doubt Heinz is straight. That man has way too many musical numbers to be straight. Besides, whatever you're talking about is important, if it’s keeping you from being in a relationship with someone who would understand almost anything. This is Heinz we’re talking about- he knows weird._

The other agent sighs. _I know. Just...forget I said anything. Hey, do you remember Professor Pearlescent?_

Perry does. _Yeah, my first nemesis. She was cool, although she didn’t take my reassignment well._ Oh god, the fuss she kicked up after Perry relocated from Los Angeles to Danville. 

He had met Lawrence at a Cavies alumni event (turns out his cousin _also_ marched, although he played bass drum and aged out a few years before Perry even auditioned). His cousin had been going through a rocky divorce and had a one-month-old, so Perry had offered to transfer up to Danville.

Say what you will about OWCA, but they have a great transfer policy. 

_She was different in my dimension,_ the other Perry signs. _Once she found out about...me, she made such a fuss that it literally became easier to go on missions that required my red band then thwart her._

Perry’s eyes widen. _How long have you had your red band?_

_Six years or so. I got my first nemesis relatively late._

_Still. Did you start in JOWCA or something?_ Perry asks.

_It was how I was able to go to college. What, you didn’t?_

Perry shakes his head. _Wasn’t offered where I went to school. Probably would have otherwise_. He had joined OWCA shortly after college, quickly rising through the ranks before his move to Danville. But still not as quick as this Perry, apparently. 

They’ve gotten off topic. _So what happened that made the Professor raise a ruckus?_

The other agent shrugs. _I don’t know. I mean, I know, but I don’t know why she cared so much._

There’s something the other Perry isn’t telling him. Perry decides not to pry- if he knows himself, there’s no way he’s getting an answer if it’s forced. 

_Either way, Heinz is nothing like her. All they’ve got in common is you as a nemesis, really. He’ll understand, I know he will._ Perry hesitates a moment. _I mean, unless you’re a serial killer or something._

Original Perry shakes his head, laughing. _No, I’m not a serial killer. Although, I do have a lot of experience in covering things up and lying…_

 _Not to mention knowing exactly what the police would look for in a murder case,_ Perry adds with a laugh. _We could totally be serial killers, if we wanted to._

_What do you think your serial killer nickname would be?_

_Silent but deadly, of course._ Both agents snicker. _Nah, probably something like the Danville Killer. But we’re off topic again._

 _What were we even talking about?_ The other agent asks. 

Perry shrugs. Original Perry knows full well what they were talking about, he just doesn’t want to talk about it. 

Which is perfectly fine, honestly. There’s stuff he doesn’t want to talk about either. He looks back into the backseat at Heinz, who is drooling a bit onto his shoulder. 

_I’d ask what you see in him,_ Perry signs, _but I’m guilty of the same thing._

 _You like him too?_ The agent asks, almost incredulously. 

_It’s a long story, but yeah._

_Well, we’ve got time for a long story._

“It looks like it will be another half hour until arrival at dimension 38576084C,” the DPS says in a cool voice, causing both Perrys to jump. “Would you like to enable autopilot? Press Y for yes, N for no, Q for more information.”

Perry laughs nervously, his heart still racing from the sudden voice. _I guess the platypus really did install an AI._

 _Perry the Programmer,_ the other agent signs, laughing at his own joke _. Go ahead and enable it, although we should probably keep an eye on it._

Perry presses the Y key on the laptop, then sits back. The car continues to hurtle through dimensions at top speed. 

_That’s pretty cool,_ the other Perry signs. 

_It is, isn’t it. Although I guess adding an AI was a smart decision. We really have no idea what’s out here._

_We really don’t. I mean, I didn’t expect to encounter dimensional pirates._

_Pirates?_ Perry asks, his mouth dropping open. _Is that how you got hurt?_

_Yes, it is. Sort of. But you have to tell your story first._

Perry sighs. _I suppose that’s only fair_. _I don’t really know how to explain it, but the gist is that I have feelings for the friend-with-benefits that I get paid to beat up on a regular basis._

The other Perry’s eyes grow almost comically wide. _You’re friends-with-benefits with your Heinz? What the..how the hell did that happen?_

 _I’d say copious amounts of alcohol, but I don’t drink and neither does he._ Perry sighs. _No, we were both lonely and a bit desperate, and neither of us wanted to stop after just one night. Then I caught feelings, and I really don’t want to tell him._

The other agent shakes his head. _And yet you chastise me for the exact same thing._

_Look, I know I’m a hypocrite. Now, were you going to tell me about the pirates?_

_Yeah, probably. Man, where do I start?_

Perry shrugs. _I don’t know, maybe where you met the pirates?_

_Well, we pulled a U-turn to come and get you, and we were on our way back. It was only ten minutes or so away from the blob dimension, although dimensional warps or whatever meant it was going to take a couple hours to get back. And then we got hit by something and crashed through an office building in a random dimension._

Jesus christ. The other Perry still isn’t done though. _I had forgotten to do up my seatbelt when we left your dimension, so in the crash I got flung into the back. I then proceeded to land on my side, right on a nail._

Perry winces. _Then_ , the other agent continues, _we had to fight off pirates. I didn’t tell either of them that I was injured, but they eventually found out. At least that was after we fought off the pirates._

Perry nods. Sometimes you have to put your own health on the back burner if more people are in danger. It’s part of being an agent. 

_Of course, Heinz doesn’t understand the whole “others before agent” thing, so he basically forced me into getting medical attention. That’s why it took so long for us to get back. It’s also where I got the scrubs._

_Hey, at least you’re all healed up now._

_I am. Although it still left a scar._ The other agent lifts the left side of the scrub shirt to show off a new scar.

 _Where’s that one shaped like a seven from, the one right above the new one?_ Perry asks. _Because I’ve got one that looks like that too, from Portugal._

_2011, stopping the guy with the firebombs?_

_Yeah, that’s the one._ Something occurs to Perry. _Do you think we have all the same scars?_

The other agent shakes his head. _We don’t._

_How do you know that?_

_I’ve got some...burn scars on my arms and a couple of surgical scars on my chest that you don’t._

Perry briefly wonders how the other agent knows about his scars, until he remembers that he appeared in that dimension straight out of the shower and shirtless.

 _If you don’t mind me asking, what happened?_ He asks. 

The other agent glances back into the backseat. Heinz is still asleep, although he’s stopped drooling. 

For a long moment, the other agent stares at his hands. Perry’s just about to tell him that he doesn’t have to say when the other Perry signs _I’m trans._

Huh. Perry never thought there’d be a reality where he was trans, but he also never thought there would be a reality where he was a platypus either. It’s not the weirdest thing he’s heard or seen in the past two days.

 _Thank you for trusting me,_ Perry signs. 

_Please don’t tell Heinz,_ the other Perry signs. _I’ve lost so many other people because of who I am. I don’t want to lose him too._

Perry smiles as reassuringly as he can. _Don’t worry, I won’t do that. But still, this is Heinz we’re talking about. He’s seen some strange things, I’m sure this will be fine. I don’t think it would be a big deal._

 _You don’t understand,_ the other agent signs, shaking his head. _I wish it wasn’t a big deal. But it still is. It’s still a big deal, and I can’t tell him. Being an agent isn’t the only reason my life is at risk, you know. I’ve been assaulted by people I thought were safe before. Partners, even. I don’t want that to happen again. I don’t want to be wrong about him, just like I was about almost everybody else. This time,_ the agent signs with shaking hands, _This time I’ve learned from my mistakes._

Perry sits, stunned and wordless. 

_It’s not that I don’t want to tell him,_ the other Perry signs. _Because I do. I want nothing more than to be able to tell everybody. I want to be proud. But I can’t. Because it’s still a big deal. Because I’m scared._

The other agent swipes a hand under his eyes, clearing away a few tears that leaked out of the corners of his eyes. 

_Look at me, crying over this. Just like you said, it isn’t a big deal, is it? It’s just two little words. A couple of signs. A few letters. You’re right, I should be able to do this. He’ll be fine. He had Ballooney, he can understand this. Right?_

He looks up at Perry, eyes rimmed in red. _Why am I so afraid? I’m supposed to be fearless. It’s on my cards. Agent Perry the Platypus, Fearless. I should be used to this. I should be used to all of this. It’s all happened before, what’s the worst that can happen? I can deal with it, I’m thirty five for god’s sake._

 _But here I am, afraid._ The other Perry turns away and buries his head in his arms.

Perry taps on his shoulder in an attempt to get his attention so that he can sign reassurances, apologize for being so blunt, but the other him refuses to look up. 

It looks like he’ll be doing this the hard way. 

“Oi, none o’ that supposed-to-be-fearless rubbish,” Perry says, his voice rough from lack of use. The other Perry’s head snaps up in shock. “S’okay to be scared. You’ve been dealt the shit end o’ the stick for so long, no wonder you’re bloody terrified.” He coughs. It’s hard for him to speak, even harder to say much more than a word or two, but damn if he won’t do it to make a point. 

“I’d be scared too. Nobody’s fearless, no matter what OWCA says. It’s okay to be afraid. In fact, I should’na said it wasn’t a big deal, ‘cause to you, it is.” His voice cracks, on the verge of completely giving out. 

“But big deal or not, it’s okay to be scared and it’s okay to wait until you’re ready.” 

_And don’t worry,_ Perry signs, now that his voice has definitely given out. _I won’t tell Heinz. It’s not my place to out you. I think you should come out, but it’s ultimately your choice. Don’t let me pressure you into doing something you don’t want to._

 _Thanks,_ the agent signs, wiping away a few stray tears away from under his eyes. 

_No problem,_ Perry replies. _Do what’s best for you. I know you’ll do what’s right. Come out when you’re ready, and if that’s not for a while, then so be it._

_I mean, I want to come out, I’m just scared._

_It’s okay to be scared. I don’t blame you._

_I know, you said that earlier, and I’ll keep it in mind. Speaking of saying things, you can talk?_

Perry shrugs. _Not very much. I can, but it’s kind of mentally exhausting. And hard to do._

The other Perry winces. _Oh. I’m sorry I made you go through all that._

 _It’s okay. I was planning to sleep in tomorrow anyway._ He delicately leaves out the fact that Major Monogram will want him at HQ bright and early after his little disappearance.

_That’s good._

The DPS chimes loudly. “Now touching down in dimension 38576084C.”

Heinz grumbles something from the backseat, apparently having woken up from his nap. 

_Hey,_ the other Perry signs, _thank you. For everything._

Perry smiles. _It was no trouble._

The agent leans forwards and hugs Perry, clinging tightly to the borrowed lab coat. Perry hugs back, glad that he was able to help. Maybe he wasn’t quite able to assuage the fears of the other him, but he did his best. 

Once they move apart, Perry turns to Heinz. _Have a safe trip home,_ he signs to the both of them. 

“Hey, you too,” Heinz says. “You want us to take you any closer?” Perry shakes his head and climbs out of the car. It looks like they’ve touched down in the parking lot of a Mr. Slushy Dog, the one by Doofenshmirtz Evil, Incorporated. It’s not too long of a walk home. 

Perry waves to the other him, and the car blasts off with a strange noise. It sounds like there’s something gumming up the engine. Hopefully that doesn’t become a problem for them.

He sighs and starts out of the parking lot. Without his fedora, he can’t get access to his lair or any of its tunnels, so now he has to walk all the way home.

At least he has time to plan out his excuses for being gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos to [Blue_Pluto](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blue_Pluto), who _mostly_ figured out this plot point!
> 
> TW's for past transphobia.


	18. Actually Talking About (Some) Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doof is Completely F*cking Oblivious: The Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise there'll be some action next chapter. 
> 
> (If you haven't read chapter 17 yet _go read it_ , this chapter won't make a lot of sense if you don't!
> 
> TW's: Past transphobia

Magenta dimensions flash by outside the dimensional car. 

After they dropped the last Perry off in his dimension, Heinz went back to driving. Perry stayed in his seat, turning the oversized chess pawn over and over in his hands. It’s shrunk to about the size of a large apple, but it’s still too big to use on a normal chess board. 

Perry yawns. It’s been a crazy day. At least after about noon tomorrow, this will all be over. Whether they’re back in their own dimension or stranded somewhere completely different, at least they’ll be done travelling through dimensions. 

Next to him, Heinz yawns as well. They’ve been travelling for a while, and the day has been draining enough already. Perry checks his watch, discovering that it’s about seven PM. 

He sighs and looks out the window. By this time back in their dimension, he’d be done with whatever work Monogram had for him that day. Usually, that would be thwarting Doofenshmirtz, but sometimes he fills in for other agents or just catches up on paperwork. 

Phineas and Ferb would run up to him as soon as he came home, talking excitedly about whatever they built that day. Candace would follow after them, ranting about how it disappeared _just_ before Linda could see. Usually Ferb would ask if Perry did anything interesting that day, to which Perry would reply with a shake of his head. 

His cover is that he works for the government, which isn’t all that much of a lie. Technically, OWCA is under the control of the UN, so that part is true. 

At least he isn’t lying about the amount of paperwork. 

Linda and Lawrence know he’s an agent, of course. Perry trusts Lawrence with his life, so of course he knows. And Linda found out shortly after she and Lawrence got married. The kids don’t, since it’s a liability and he doesn’t want them interfering with what he has to do (or becoming targets themselves.)

Either way, Phineas and Ferb will drag him to the table, where Linda will have made something delicious for dinner, and they’ll eat. 

Just thinking about food makes Perry’s stomach grumble. Now that he thinks about it, he really hasn’t eaten since...this morning. 

He’s gone longer without eating on some missions, and he’s sure Heinz has too when he stays up for days straight inventing, but they might as well stop for a bit and take a break from travelling. 

A glance at the DPS reveals they only have fifteen thousand dimensions or so to travel through before they return home. They’ll be able to get through that in a couple hours. They might as well stop for the night, relax for a bit. After the day they’ve had, they deserve it. 

He relays this to Heinz, who agrees with him. The ship lands in a forest-covered dimension. 

Before they get out, Heinz triple checks that this isn’t the dimension they stopped in for fuel. When they do get out, Perry discovers that they’ve landed in a campground. A closed campground, based on the lack of people milling around. The air is an October kind of cold, crisp and clear, so that explains that. 

Heinz pulls out some food from the back and sets to work making some sort of Drusselstenian dish, one that according to him, is the “only _decent_ food to come out of that place”. 

Perry sets up the tent, then builds a small fire. He sits on the ground and watches Heinz cook, a small smile playing at the corners of his mouth. 

It only takes a few minutes for delicious smells to fill the air. 

After a little while, Heinz hands him a plate of- well, he’s not quite sure what is, but it’s warm and it tastes good, so he doesn’t question it. 

“Don’t get used to Drusselsteninian food being _good_ ,” Heinz says when Perry comments on the food. “This and doonkleberries are the only good things to come out of place.”

 _What about you?_ Perry asks. 

“Me?” Heinz asks. 

_Yeah, you. You’re a good thing from Drusselstein._

“But I’m evil?” Heinz says, confused. 

_Just take the compliment_ , Perry signs with a sigh. Even when he’s deliberately (sort of) flirting with Heinz, the man is oblivious. 

Well, it’s better than rejection.

Perry shivers. These borrowed scrubs are rather thin, and the air is slowly getting colder. Even next to the fire with a warm meal. He’s considering pulling the blanket out of his hat. 

“You okay there, Perry?” Heinz asks. 

Perry shrugs. _I’m fine, it’s just getting cold._

“Oh, of course.” Heinz says. “Those scrubs must be paper thin.” He takes his lab coat off and hands it to Perry. “Here, take my lab coat.”

Perry shakes his head. _No, keep your lab coat. I can deal._

Heinz sighs. “Perry, there’s a difference between dealing with things and being pointlessly stubborn. Take the lab coat. And come sit closer to me, it’s less smokey.”

Perry accepts the lab coat and puts it on, stalwartly suppressing the warmth blossoming in his cheeks and the butterflies fluttering about in his stomach. Damn it, he’s supposed to be a stoic secret agent. An unconsciously romantic gesture, from an _evil scientist_ , no less, probably shouldn’t make him feel like this.

He doesn’t quite know what he’ll do if Heinz turns out to have the same reaction to him being trans that everybody else seems to have. The pessimist side of him wonders which slurs Heinz will call him. 

But the other side of him, the side that wants to believe, tells him that Heinz trusts him, no matter what. With his -inators, with his backstories, with his daughter. With his _life_. 

This other side of his mind tells him to give Heinz that trust back. And he wants to. He’s just...scared. 

He moves around the fire to sit by Heinz, still ignoring the way he feels like he’s been punched in the gut (in a good way). 

Heinz was right. It _is_ less smokey over here. _Aren’t you cold now?_ he asks.

Heinz shrugs. “I’ve got a sweater, and my arms don’t _really_ feel temperature anyway.”

_Are you sure?_

“I’ll be fine.”

Perry sighs. _Okay, if you say so._

The fire crackles and pops. Has it really only been twenty-four hours since the last time they did this? 

It has, hasn’t it. Strange. It feels like it’s been days. Weeks. Sometimes it feels like it’s almost been three months since their whole adventure began. 

Well, time is a strange concept if you think about it enough, and Perry generally tries to not think about it too much. He’s already getting older, no need to think about _that_ too much. Besides, this whole dimension thing is strange enough as it is. 

Say what you will about how strange the science of dimensions is, at least they’re not screwing with alternate timelines. Now _that_ would be some dubious science. 

“Perry, why do you keep putting yourself in danger?” Heinz asks, completely out of nowhere. 

Perry raises one eyebrow. _Where did this come from?_

“I just want to talk about this. The whole thing with you insisting you’re fine when you’re not. I know you’re an agent, it’s part of what you do. But you don’t need to hurt yourself just to keep me safe.”

Perry sighs. _I have to protect others. Sometimes that means I get hurt. I’ve learned to live with it._

“You don’t _have_ to live with it, though. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I lived with _ocelots_ , for god’s sake. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself.”

_Heinz, sacrifice is practically the fifth red-band value. I’m used to it._

“I care about you, Perry. I don’t want to see you hurt. I don’t care about this blah-de-blah agent sacrifice business. You’re the closest friend I’ve got. I just...don’t want to lose you.”

_I don’t want to lose you either. But sometimes-_

“Don’t you _but sometimes_ me. Stay _safe_ , Perry. Stay _alive_.”

 _I’ll try_ , Perry signs. 

“Do better than that. Promise me. Promise you won’t be reckless, promise you’ll take care of yourself.”

_I don’t know if I can promise that._

“Perry, _please_. I don’t know what I’d do without you. You and Vanessa are the most important people in my life. I don’t want to lose you.”

Perry stares down at his hands. He wants to be able to promise that. But he really can’t. Civilians over agents is a value everybody in the agency lives by. 

“You don’t have to do this alone. I’ll always be here. No matter what.”

_Really? No matter what?_

“Always. No matter what.” 

_Then I’ll do my best to do the same._

“Thank you, Perry the Platypus.”

_Still calling me by my codename?_

“What would you like me to call you, Mr. Perry Bartholomew Fletcher?”

 _Where did you see that?_ Perry asks. His middle name isn’t exactly common knowledge, and he only told Heinz his surname about a year ago. 

“It was on your OWCA cards.”

Perry does a double take, trying not let the shock on his face show. His OWCA card _s_ _._ That implies that Heinz saw more than one. And if he saw more than one, he probably would have seen them all. 

Which wouldn’t be a big deal, except for the fact that he hadn’t been able to get his name legally changed until he was almost twenty. So his JOWCA card has his dead name on it, the one with the Lolliberry surname. 

Therefore, unless some sort of ultra convenient narrative device happened to intervene, he _definitely_ knows. 

_Why were you looking at those?_ Perry asks. 

“You were kind of bleeding a lot. I wanted to make sure none of your stuff got blood all over it.”

Well, at least the excuse is plausible. “So what do those rank letters mean? W-A and S-A and all that?”

So that’s his first question. Asking about the rank letters and not the fact that his name is _very clearly different_ on the last card in the stack. 

Although this _is_ Heinz he’s thinking about. He’s not very observant even at the best of times.

 _W-A is weapon approved, S-A is senior agent, J-A is junior agent, T-A is trainee agent, and JOW is the junior OWCA program for college students,_ Perry explains. 

“You know, that only raised more questions.”

_I could probably answer some of those questions. Or at least the ones that don’t give away OWCA intel._

“Oh, cool! So I know you carry weapons, but is that an all the time thing? Why do some of your pictures have different colored hat bands? And I didn’t see a card that said JOW on it, was that the one that’s kinda stuck to the bottom of the trainee one? I couldn’t really unstick it, so I didn’t really see anything on that one.”

Perry does his best to hide his relief. So he didn’t see. The card got stuck. Thank god for conveniently slightly-sticky old ink and the constant pressure of five cards crammed into a space meant for one or two.

_I think I can answer most of those. For the first one, since I’m W-A, I have to carry a weapon on every mission. That includes every time I go to thwart you, although I’d never use them except as an absolute last resort._

“Well, that’s a relief.”

Perry nods. _The hat band colors are just a way to identify agent ranks. Although everybody with a red band just wears their senior agent black band hat instead. It’s easier that way._

“Why is it easier?” Heinz asks. 

_It’s basically advertising that you’re allowed to kill at discretion. The last time I wore mine was the day I got it because you have to. Besides, it’s a pain to break in new hats._ That part is worse than it sounds. It’s much harder to hide a hat that refuses to bend, which means he could slip in front of the kids. And that would mean a (voluntary, but still necessary) reassignment.

And you can’t fit all your tools in a hat that isn’t stretched out, and it takes forever to break in a new hat, and it takes a while to accumulate all the little scratches and scorch marks that makes your fedora _yours,_ and…

There are a million reasons to not wear a red-band once you get it, but the most important is _not_ broadcasting the fact that you have several weapons hidden on your body. 

_And the JOWCA card is the one under the trainee card, yeah._

“Could I see it?” Heinz asks. 

Perry gulps. _It’s really out of date._

“Well yeah, it’s from ten years ago or something like that.”

 _Seventeen years, actually._ Perry makes a face. Has it really been that long? It doesn’t feel like it. _But there’s a lot of stuff wrong on it._

“What, did they get your birthday wrong or something?”

Perry shakes his head. _It might be easier to show you, but I’m worried you’ll flip out._

“I’m sure it’ll be fine. I’ve had my share of odd backstories, nothing weirds me out anymore. Except the whole thing with people eating laundry detergent thing from January. That was strange.” Heinz reaches out and puts one hand on Perry’s shoulder. “But seriously, unless you’re a serial killer or something, I’m sure it’ll be okay.”

Why does everybody think he’s a serial killer? Is he really the type of person to be one? Maybe it’s the whole silence thing. He’ll think about that later.

 _Are you sure? I’ve had bad reactions before._ Perry signs. 

Heinz nods. “I’m sure. One hundred percent.” 

_I trust you,_ Perry signs, doing his best to internalize that statement. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the sleeve that holds his OWCA identification. He slips all the cards out of the clear-windowed panel in one neat stack. 

The JOWCA card _is_ stuck to the trainee card above it, but not too badly. It only takes a moment for him to unstick it.

Perry hands Heinz the card, his hand shaking almost imperceptibly. His stomach twists into knots as he watches Heinz read the print on the card. (Oh, so he can go into missions where he disarms literal bombs without batting an eye. But this, _this_ is what gets him.)

“Perry, is this your sister or something?” Heinz asks. 

Perry blinks a few times in disbelief. He knows Heinz is oblivious, but this is a whole new level.

He shakes his head. _No, that’s me. Or, it was._

“Ohhhh,” Heinz says, realization finally dawning on him. “So you’re trans?”

Perry nods, mentally bracing himself for Heinz’s inevitable freakout. 

“So? I don’t care. Wait, no no no, that’s not the right words. I mean, I don’t mind that you’re trans. I’m not going to flip out. I care about _you_ , not whatever you were born as.”

Perry stares. _Really?_

“I meant it earlier, when I said you’re one of the most important people in my life and that I’ll always be here for you. This doesn’t change that, not at all.” He pauses. “What’s wrong? You look like you don’t believe me.”

_I- well, I’ve been hurt before. People have lied._

“What? Why would I lie about that? Look at me, Perry. You deserve better than that. I made a promise to you that I would only hurt you with cartoonish physical violence. I plan to keep that promise.”

Perry can feel tears welling up in the corners of his eyes. A few leak out before he can stop them. 

“Oh, oh dear. Don’t cry, I gotcha.” Perry does his best to calm down, (jeez, what is it with him and waterworks today?) but only ends up with more tears running down his face. 

“Do you want a hug?” Heinz asks, and Perry nods. He slumps over into Heinz’s open arms. 

“I’ll always be here for you, Perry. Always. I said no matter what, and I mean that. I’m not that kind of evil.” 

Perry pulls back just enough to sign _thank you._ Tears still stream down his face, but this time they’re born of relief and not fear. 

“No problem.” Heinz yawns. “It’s getting late. We should sleep.”

Perry nods. _We should_. He stands up and gathers all the dishes. _I’ll go find a place to wash these off._

“Here, I’ll get a flashlight and we can go together,” Heinz says as he puts out their fire. “It’ll be easier that way.”

Perry almost shakes his head, denying that he needs any help. He can do this on his own.

But then he thinks about it. It would be easier and maybe even a little more fun with someone else. Just because he _can_ do it on his own, doesn’t mean he _has_ to. 

So he smiles, and he nods. 

“Then let’s go,” Heinz says, and they leave to go find a place to wash the dishes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What happens when you put two people with unresolved romantic tension into a tent? In this case, _abso-fucking-lutely nothing_. Like I said, this was Doof is Oblivious: The Chapter.


	19. Hopping Clockwise Through Dimensions Is A Dangerous Thing, But It’s Still Not as Scary as Admitting Your Feelings (Or Talking About Your Backstory)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Doofenshmirtz is still completely oblivious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Behold, the title that _somehow_ fits into AO3's line with 108 characters left. 
> 
> I'm so sorry this chapter is so late >_< (however! chapter 20 is already like half done! so that should be out sooner!)
> 
> TW's: Past transphobia (much more than the past few chapters D:)

Light pricks at Heinz’s eyes. He rolls over with a grumble, noting that the ground is hard for some reason. Eh, he probably fell asleep in his lab again. It wouldn’t be the first time.

What time is it? Perry the Platypus will probably be by soon to thwart him, so he’d best get up. 

Unwilling to open his eyes, he curls up in a ball instead of facing the daunting task of getting up. He’s getting old, he probably shouldn’t be just collapsing willy-nilly in the lab. That sort of thing makes it rather hard to get up.

Wait a moment, is this _dirt_? What’s going on? Does his latest invention involve large quantities of potting soil or something? Or has Perry the Platypus already come and gone, leaving only ash in the wake of an explosion?

He wrenches open his eyes, blinking against the light. 

This is a _tent_! He’s just lying on the ground inside a tent. He’s on an interdimensional road trip with Perry.

Sitting up, he looks around the tent. His lab coat is sitting on the ground, neatly folded with a note on top. Next to that is the scrub shirt that Perry was wearing earlier, also folded and resting next to his hat. 

Heinz picks up the note. It’s written in Perry’s apparently very neat handwriting. _Went for a run. I’ll be back by 0730._

He pops the panel on his left arm. There, next to the motor that controls the rotation of his wrist, is a tiny timepiece accurate to the picosecond that he invented a couple years ago.

And it’s too small to read for his bleary early-morning eyes. Eh, it’s probably somewhere near seven AM. 

Heinz closes the panel on his arm and gazes around the tent. His eyes fall on the perfectly neat handwriting on Perry’s note. How does he _do_ that? All of _his_ notes and blueprints and shopping lists are practically illegible. 

It’s probably out of necessity. Not everybody knows ASL, so he likely has to write out anything he wants to say to strangers. Neat handwriting would be pretty important, now that he thinks about it. 

Perry just seems to be a rather neat, organized person. Folding up clothes, even when he doesn’t really have to. The inside of his hat was immaculately orderly when Heinz saw it, and it probably still is. 

Heinz reaches out and picks up the lab coat. Loaning it to Perry last night was the right call (he _was_ cold, Heinz could tell, no matter how much Perry might have hated to admit it), but it’s good to have it back. 

Last night was definitely interesting. He never knew anything about Perry’s backstory, so for Perry to trust him like that is something incredible. Especially when he said he’s had bad reactions to it in the past. 

Heinz wonders how bad of reactions he’s had, how they would warrant tears of relief for just the bare minimum of acceptance. He must have been hurt before. 

Who would even _do_ that? Who would hurt Perry, just because he’s not the same person he was when he was born? That makes no sense. Not being accepting of someone just because they’re not the same person they were when they were born is _stupid_. 

And he’s still attracted to Perry. In fact, the fact that Perry’s trans really doesn’t change _anything_. 

Actually, it changes a _few_ things. He never would have subjected Perry to the ball gown-inator, or any of the other forcing-feminization -inators he’d created at the beginning of their nemesis-ship if he had known. In fact, he _really_ should have seen how uncomfortable Perry was with those and stopped earlier. 

Once Perry gets back from his run, he’ll apologize for it. It may have helped _Heinz_ get over his childhood traumas, but if it made Perry relive his own past that he would probably rather forget about, then was it really worth it? 

Probably not, but that’s a question that’s too deep for it being this early. Heinz groans and extracts himself from the tiny tent. Being six-one is great, except for when it isn’t. 

At this time of the morning, _coffee_ is in store. Even if he’s seeing it from the all-nighter side (which happens more often than is probably _healthy_ for him), morning coffee is mankind’s best invention yet. 

And breakfast is also probably in order too. Heinz builds up a new fire, then sets up a coffee pot and grabs some breakfast-y foods to cook up. 

The pot of coffee is almost done when Perry jogs back up to their little camp. He gives a little wave, smiling as he catches a whiff of the smells filling the air.

Heinz gulps. He never realized it before, but Perry’s skin is _covered_ in scars. Various small marks bridge gaps between larger wounds. Most of them are jagged and misshapen, except for two underneath his pectoral muscles. Heinz can see the vaguely star-shaped scar that must be the gunshot wound Perry was talking about earlier right under one of those scars. 

Briefly, Heinz wonders how many of those scars were caused by him and his exploding -inators, and he silently resolves to make his -inators at least a _little_ less harmful. Perry always springs right back up, leaving with a tip of his fedora, but it would only take one mistake to fell the agent- forever. 

“Jeez, that’s a lot of scars,“ he says. “Where’d you even get them all?”

Perry laughs. _I guess it is a lot. And they’re mostly from different missions. Let’s see…_ He starts to rattle off a long list of places and years, pointing at different scars. A small, jagged line, Libya 2012. Three scratches that look like claw marks, Berlin 2015. A strangely clean U-shaped line, Siberia 2009. As he signs, Heinz catches a glimpse of rows of circular marks, each one no bigger than a pencil eraser, lined up in perfect rows on the inside of his forearms. 

“What about these ones,” Heinz asks, gesturing towards his chest, “and the circle ones on your arms?” 

Perry smiles. _The ones on my chest are surgical scars from my top surgery, November 2008. If it’s possible to have favorite scars, these would be my favorites. And the ones on my arms..._ Perry looks away, not meeting Heinz’s eyes. _England, 1998._

Heinz does the math in his head. That would mean Perry was...fifteen years old? Was he already involved in OWCA when he was that young? Or are they from something else?

“1998? Are you sure that’s the right year? You would have been fifteen, right?” he asks. 

_I’m sure,_ Perry signs, reaching into the tent for his shirt and fedora. _I don’t really want to talk about it._

Heinz shrugs. “Okay. If you ever _do_ want to talk about it, I’m not going to use it against you in traps or -inators or anything. I’m not that petty.” There was something else he wanted to say, but what was it? Oh, yeah. “Speaking of using things against you with -inators, I’m sorry about all those feminine -inators that I subjected you to. They might have helped me but they hurt you and I shouldn’t have done that.”

Perry shakes his head. _You don’t have to apologize, you didn’t know. It’s all fine now._

“No, I kept going even when you were clearly uncomfortable with it. I shouldn’t have done that, but I did, and I’m sorry I did.” The coffee is done by now, so Heinz pulls it off the fire and pours two mugs. 

_Thanks_ , Perry signs, accepting the coffee Heinz hands him. 

“No problem,” Heinz says. They sit in a comfortable silence, enjoying the quiet morning and the coffee. A few minutes later, breakfast is done and they eat. 

Once they’re finished with breakfast, Heinz remembers that the engine was making a funny noise yesterday. “Do you think you can get things ready to go on your own, Perry? The engine was rattling some yesterday and I wanted to make sure everything was okay.”

_Yeah, I’ll be fine._ Perry picks up the small stack of dishes. _Don’t worry about me._

“Okay, thanks.” Heinz grabs his toolbox, locks the ignition so it won’t turn on while he’s working on the engines, and goes back to investigate. 

Thankfully, it’s nothing major. Apparently, the random lint and sand in his lab coat pockets (he hasn’t been to the beach in _years_ , why is there sand in his pockets?) got into the engines when he shrunk down the dimensional car. When he made it normal-sized again, the lint and sand got scaled up too. 

At least this fix isn’t annoying. It’s just a matter of finding all the fist-sized pieces of debris and clearing out all the lint. 

At one point, when he’s done with the first engine and working on the other one, Perry comes back to their campsite. He gets to work packing everything up so they can leave once the engines are fixed. 

It doesn’t take long for the engines to be clear of everything rattling around, and Perry is waiting for them to leave. 

“Ready to go home?” Heinz asks. 

_It’s been an exciting few days, but I think I’m ready for this to be over._

“Yeah, I feel the same way. We should get going.” He and Perry climb into the car, him sliding into the driver’s seat and Perry sitting shotgun. Just like before. 

Heinz starts up the car, or at least he attempts to. When nothing happens, his stomach falls. Did he break something on accident earlier? Or did he remove a vital part? He can’t _remember_ doing anything like that...

_Is everything okay?_ Perry asks. 

“Well, I fixed the rattling in the engine earlier, but it’s not starting...wait a minute. I forgot to unlock the ignition. Whoops.” Heinz laughs nervously. He fiddles with the switch underneath the control panel, being extra careful to avoid even going near the self-destruct button. 

It’s one of his inventions, of course it has a self-destruct mechanism.

The car blasts off into the sky, the DPS telling them how many dimensions are left before leaving the duo in silence. 

Three minutes later, Heinz is sick of the quiet. “Got any good music, Perry?”

_You want classical, metal, or Gitchee Gitchee Goo?_

Heinz stares. “I don’t know, you pick? You have strange tastes, Perry.”

_Well, I put the classical on when I’m doing reports, metal when I can’t sleep, and Gitchee Gitchee Goo is my nephew’s song so of course I have it._

Completely ignoring the fact that Perry listens to metal to fall asleep, he asks “Wait, your _nephews_ made Danville’s greatest one-hit-wonder?”

_Well, Candace helped too._

“That’s your niece, right?” Perry nods. “How did they…”

_They are Lindana’s kids,_ Perry signs with a laugh. _And that’s definitely not the craziest thing they’ve done._

“I know, you and the other Perrys were talking about them. I think I’ve seen some of their inventions around Danville, too.” Something occurs to him. “Wait, did you say they’re _Lindana’_ s kids? As in _the_ Lindana? The Lindana I dated years ago?”

Perry nods. _Well, technically Ferb isn’t, but yeah. Small world, huh?_

This is strange. And more than a little confusing. “Wait, so how are you related to these guys? Are you Linda’s brother or something?”

_I’m Lawrence’s-their dad’s- brother._

“Ohhh. I get it now. It really is a small world.”

_It really is. Remind me to tell you at some point how I found my sister, that’s a “small world” story for the ages. Anyway, what sort of music do you have?_

Heinz groans. “Anything and everything, except I accidentally reset my phone two weeks ago and still haven’t gotten my collection back.”

_You don’t have things backed up to a cloud?_

He shakes his head. “Nah, don’t trust it. Besides, most of my stuff is downloaded from Youtube, I can get it back. It just takes a little while.”

Perry stares. _Is that legal?_

“I dunno?” Perry narrows his eyes. Ugh, secret agents and their refusal to even _bend_ the rules. “Fine, you tell me where I’m supposed to find pipe organ ABBA covers[.](https://youtu.be/Zqffs_FWxtc)”

_That’s a thing?_

Heinz nods. “It is, and it’s glorious. I can show you when we get home, if you want.”

_I...okay, yeah, I got nothing. Technically, I have to report any sort of evil activity, but that’s just weird, and I don’t think it hurts anyone, so I don’t think I will._

“Well, that’s good. I don’t want to be taken to OWCA-traz just because of my taste in music.”

Perry nods. _I doubt they’d take you all the way up to OWCA-traz, but I’m not going to push it. I like you._ Perry looks down at his hands. _As a nemesis. I like you as a nemesis._

Heinz smiles. “Well, that’s good. It would be pretty weird if we were nemeses that didn’t _actually_ like each other.”

_Yeah. That’d be weird._

“Are you okay, Perry? You’re acting kinda funny.”

Perry shrugs. _I’m fine._

“You also said you were fine when you had a nail in your side. If something’s bothering you, you can always tell me. Always.”

He sighs. _Promise you won’t hate me if I tell you?_

Heinz nods. “You can tell me anything you want. I promise, unless you’re a serial killer, it’ll be fine.”

Perry makes a face. _Why do people keep saying I’m a serial killer?_

“I don’t know, maybe it’s the quiet.”

_It’s not like I can control that,_ Perry signs with a roll of his eyes. 

“So you can’t talk?” 

Perry shakes his head. _Nope. My vocal chords are pretty much warped beyond the power of speech._

Huh. Heinz always thought that Perry just...didn’t want to speak, or something. But that makes sense. 

“So what’s eating you?” he asks. “Since you’ve obviously got _something_ going on.”

_I guess I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop, really._

“What other shoe?”

_The one where you tell me that you don’t want me around anymore because I’m trans. It’s happened before and I really don’t want it to happen again._

“Perry, listen to me. I would _never_ do that. I would never hurt you like that. I know it might be hard for you to believe me, but _please_ trust me when I say I wouldn’t do that.”

_I trust you. At least, I want to trust you._

“I promise you, I’d never do anything to hurt you on purpose. I might be an evil scientist, but I’m not an asshole. I have _morals_ . There’s a difference between _evil_ and _bigot._

Perry smiles, a thin wisp of a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Heinz knows from experience that he’s trying his best to internalize the words, fighting against everything that’s holding him back. _Thanks, that means a lot to me._ He looks up, a little more serious. _Do you know of anybody that I should avoid telling in the evil scientist circle?_

“Hmm. Definitely avoid telling Rodney, Bloodpudding, or Bainbridge. They’re jerks. But everybody else is okay. Like, the girls should be fine, they have to put up with enough of those three idiots being sexist anyway. I know Dr. Birch tries to destroy the gender binary with some sort of device every few weeks, and I’m like, seventy percent sure Dr. Diminutive is trans.”

He hums. “Although my gay-radar was kind of off with you, so maybe not. I mean, I thought you were cis. But I also didn’t think you had a _family_ , so there’s that.”

_You mean gaydar?_ Heinz nods. So _that’s_ what the kids call it. Eh, he was close. _Are you just saying that or are you…_

“Oh, I’m bisexual. You can call me Bill Nye the Science Bi.” He laughs. “Isn’t that funny? I heard Vanessa say that’s what _she_ was to her little friends, and it just works. I don’t actually know who Bill Nye is, but I do science, so it kind of fits.”

_Sorta. Bill Nye makes science videos that a lot of schools show._ Perry pauses. _I hear about it from the kids._

“Eh, still works.” He pauses. “So how old are they? Your niece and nephews, I mean.”

_Candace is sixteen, Phineas and Ferb are twelve._ Perry sighs. _They grow up so fast, don’t they?_

“Tell me about it. I swear, one day Vanessa needs my help to get things out of the cupboard, the next she’s seventeen and studying for the SAT. Which, jeez, glad I never had to go through that whole standardized-testing thing.” The one good thing about growing up in Drusselstein- sometimes the backwards ways actually work better.

Not often, but sometimes.

“Did you ever have to go through that, Perry? Probably not, since No Child Left Behind passed when you were in college, huh?”

_Didn’t go to high school,_ Perry signs, _so it didn’t affect me either way._

“You didn’t?” Heinz asks.

_I got my GED after I moved to the States, went to college, then straight into agent training literally hours after graduation._

“Seriously? That soon?”

Perry shrugs. _Move-ins were that night._

“So you never thought about doing anything else, only about being an OWCA agent?” Jeez, even _he_ was a poet for a while (and a painter, and a magician, and a bratwurst vendor). 

_I didn’t really have a lot of options. Besides,_ he signs, _it’s a hell of a lot more that I ever thought I’d do._

“What did you think you’d do? Like, what’s your dream job?”

_I actually like being an agent, so I think I’ll stick with that. The hours suck, and there’s a hell of a lot of paperwork, but it’s kinda fun. And as for what I thought I’d do, that kind of depends on where I was at the time._

“So, if I asked you what you wanted to do when you were ten, and when you were fifteen, how different would your answers be?”

Perry laughs darkly. _Pretty different. When I was ten I wanted to be a pilot, when I was fifteen I just wanted to be off the streets._

“Oh, a pilot, that’s cool...wait a minute. You were _homeless?_ ”

_Like I said, not everybody took me being trans well. And it wasn’t for very long._

Jeez. Perry didn’t say it _directly_ , but Heinz can read between the lines. 

He knew he and Perry were similar in a lot of ways (stubborn, unwilling to let others know what’s going on), but he didn’t know they were _that_ similar. Kicked out to fend for themselves at an age where that _probably shouldn’t happen_. 

_Lawrence found me after a few months,_ Perry continues, _which is a whole story in itself, since I had no idea I even had a brother. We moved to the States two years later, not long after Ferb was born._

“You didn’t know you had a _brother_?” 

_I was born of an affair, so he’s really my half brother. Him and his family were hidden from mine, and he found me completely by accident. But after everything that’s happened, I think of him as a full brother. Same with my sister._

“I mean, I’m pretty sure I was an affair child _too_ , that would explain why my father hated me so much. But at least I know I only have one sibling.” 

_I have another brother on Lawrence’s side of the family, but I don’t know him all that well, and he’s kind of a jerk, keeps trying to guess my old name, so I don’t talk to him much._ Perry sighs. _Why do people have to be jerks about everything?_

Heinz shrugs. “I guess that’s the way it is. I wish people were nicer, too. Although I guess you’ve had to deal with far worse than I have.”

Perry laughs. _Yeah, tell me about it. Even just my romantic life is a complete and utter mess. And I thought my parents gave me trust issues._

Heinz makes a sympathetic noise. “I didn’t even think about that. You being trans must make dating difficult, huh?”

_Difficult is an understatement. I’m either “not a real man” or a fetish._ He sighs. _Honestly, I kind of gave up on dating a long time ago._

“So you’re single?” Heinz winces. “Sorry, that sounded weird.”

_Yeah, although there’s somebody that I like, and he’s taken everything remarkably well, so I want to see if that goes anywhere._

Years ago, right after his sort-of-mutual divorce from Charlene (she had figured out she was a lesbian, so it was inevitable), Heinz suffered from rejection after rejection. And yet, none of those hurt quite as much as this hurts right now. 

Because Perry, the very same Perry that the teacher practically _assured_ him felt the same way, likes somebody else. 

_I mean, I’d really like it to, but I’m not sure he likes me back,_ Perry signs. 

Well, if he can’t be in a relationship with Perry, they can at least stay friends. They can be bros. _Compadres._ And that involves giving him some advice and a little push. “Hey, if you like him, ask him out. What’s the worst that could happen?”

Perry looks pointedly at Heinz. _We’re good friends, and I don’t want to ruin that. Besides, he’s kind of dense._

“Well, even if this guy is super oblivious, you can just come right out and ask him to date you, right? Surely he’s not _that_ dense. And really, I don’t know how anybody could resist you, you’re super smart and handsome and…well, if you...asked...me...out...” He barely mumbles the last sentence as he trails off, unwilling to finish his thought out loud.

Shoot. He’s _flirting_ with Perry. Yeah, he didn’t mean to, but he _is_ , and Perry doesn’t like him, he likes _someone else_...

_I mean,_ Perry signs, _he might actually be that dense._

“Well, that’s why you tell him as soon as possible. If you keep _only_ dropping hints, you’ll just be in limbo forever. And that’s got to suck.”

Actually, now that he thinks about it, he’s been unintentionally dropping hints to Perry for a long time. His mind jumps to two nights ago, when he was dancing with Perry. He didn’t consciously know he wanted it at the time, but that would have been the _perfect_ time to kiss him. Seriously, what a waste. 

Except Perry likes someone _else_. So maybe it’s a good thing that he didn’t realize he liked Perry at that point. Then this would be ten times messier.

Perry sighs pointedly, breaking Heinz out of his reverie. _Trust me, I know._

“You _would_ know, wouldn’t you. So yeah, just tell this guy as soon as possible. If he likes you, you get a boyfriend, and if he doesn’t, you don’t have to worry about him anymore. And you can probably stay friends, too. Win-win.”

_But what if he doesn’t even realize that I’m asking him out?_

“If you make it obvious enough, he’ll know. Trust me, nobody can be _that_ oblivious.”

_Okay. I’ll tell him._ Perry takes a deep breath. _Heinz, I like you. I really like you, romantically. In fact, I’ve felt this way for years. Will you date me?_

“See? Just say that. That’s like, the most straightforward way you could tell him.” Heinz laughs. “There’s no _way_ he could misinterpret that.” 

Perry merely stares at Heinz, a look of pained disbelief on his face. “Is everything alright?” he asks.

_Yeah, I’m fine._ He sighs. _I’ll just tell him once we get home._

“Well, of course you have to wait until you get home, you two are in completely different dimensions right now.” Heinz laughs. “Who else would you be talking about?” 

_I- oh, never mind._

Perry _could_ be talking about him, but why would he? There’s no way Perry’s attracted to _him_. 

Although Heinz should really admit his feelings before Perry asks this other guy out. That’s the best way to move on. But it might make things awkward…

Best not to tell him. If he does, Perry will just feel guilty, and that won’t be good. But then who knows if Heinz will be able to move on?

Argh, this is a mess.

He might as well just bite the bullet and tell him. Yeah, as soon as they get home, before they even leave the dimensional car, he’ll tell Perry. 

Of course, that assumes that they’ll make it home. The dimensional car lurches, and Heinz’s grip on the wheel tightens. 

The car lurches again, this time even more violently. Heinz looks over to see Perry holding on to the sides of his seat, eyes wide. 

This is all so sudden- what could possibly be going on? The engines looked fine when he was cleaning them out earlier…It must be something else. Something smaller, that he didn’t think about cleaning out, something that would certainly help keep them safe from dimensional turbulence, something that if it were clogged up, would put them in this exact situation... 

It’s the directional thrusters. It’s got to be. He forgot to clean those out (he’s such a _dummkopf_ sometimes), so they must be clogged up with lint. 

And without the ability to use said thrusters, any interdimensional turbulence will affect them much more than it otherwise would. 

Once he thinks about it, it gets even worse. Without these thrusters, a single hit to their car could end in a crash- and they’re still a little under three thousand dimensions from home. 

Heinz glances over towards Perry. Thankfully, he seems to have learned from their crash yesterday (god, was it really yesterday?), and he’s securely buckled in. 

Hopefully nothing will hit them, and they’ll get home okay. 

Of course, it’s been a whole twelve hours since anything has gone horribly wrong. Murphy’s law practically _requires_ that something unfortunate happens, to keep them from getting home.

So it should come as no surprise when something collides with the nose of the car, sending them crashing through dimensions...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh yeah, and here's a link to the [Perryshmirtz Discord server](https://discord.gg/eEhRMq3) I'm on. Come say hi! 
> 
> (and if you just want to talk to me on discord, that's cool too, I'd love to hear your thoughts/rambles/"why-are-you-doing-this-to-me"s! I'm thatWGIgeek#4269)


	20. I Guess I'll See You Around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CATU comes out tomorrow so I figured I'd get a chapter out today. 
> 
> Anyway, watch me bs my way through explaining dimensional science.

Perry winces, bracing himself for the dimensional car’s inevitable crash. 

Except the crash...never...comes? Perry cracks open one eye to see Heinz freaking out and the car hurtling straight towards a ground that looks very trampoline-like. 

Hopefully it’s actually a trampoline. Although if it is, won’t they just _splat_ straight into it due to their speed, instead of bouncing off? Isn’t that what Newton’s third law is all about? Or is it a different law? 

He’s never been a scientist, he doesn’t know.

Surprisingly the dimensional car _does_ bounce off the ground (so it _is_ a trampoline), springing back into the air. The world spins upside down, head over heels, ass backwards, and back again as they bounce around. 

Perry’s eyes go wide. Even disregarding the _complete_ violations of the laws of physics, this is insanity.

And more than a little nauseating. He can barely handle _roller coasters_ , or Heinz’s attempts at driving. Last summer with the driving test? He’s just glad he got out alive. 

Heck, are there even _brakes_ on this thing? There must be, since they’re slowing down. Or maybe that’s just their momentum slowing. 

Really, he should be grateful that _gravity_ is working in this dimension. With all the other laws of physics they’re breaking, he wouldn’t be surprised if gravity were nonexistent in at least one of these dimensions. 

Actually, now that he thinks about it, why haven’t they come across a dimension where there isn’t any gravity yet? 

He doesn’t have time to ponder that, since the car screeches to a halt...by smashing into the ground. 

“Well, at least we’re fine,” Heinz says. “We just need to do a few repairs, and then we’ll be good to-”

An ominous click that sounds _suspiciously_ like the click of a self-destruct button echoes in the car. 

Heinz gulps. “Oh no.”

Perry barely has time to cover his ears before an explosion rocks the car. 

The good news? Neither of them are harmed. 

The bad news? There’s now a gaping hole in the back of the car where the engines used to be. 

Perry groans. _Heinz, why the fuck would you put a self destruct button on the one thing that can get us home?_

At least he looks thoroughly cowed. “Sorry?” he squeaks. “It’s just a _thing_ , I guess. If I don’t do it, something _bad_ will happen. And I know it probably _won’t_ , but it still _feels_ like something bad will happen.” He looks down at his hands. “I’m sorry.”

Perry looks around. Well, this isn’t a _bad_ dimension to be trapped in for eternity. Just them, whatever supplies survived the blast, and endless...trampoline...wasteland. 

Okay, maybe it is a bad dimension. 

“Wait!” Heinz exclaims. “I think I know how we can get out of here.”

Well, that’s good. _Do tell_ , Perry signs.

“So the way dimensions work is, you can’t open a portal within fifteen feet of the next, right?” Perry nods, even though he has no idea what Heinz is talking about.

“And the car basically worked by automatically opening portals and driving through them at warp speed. Thankfully, only the engines were destroyed in that blast. So I can rig up something like a portal gun to open these portals, and connect the DPS to it. Then all we need to do is basically run through dimensions, which should be fine, since there’s only about fifteen hundred left, and we’ve got six hours.”

Perry nods. He has only a rudimentary understanding of what Heinz just said, but it might work. 

But how far would they have to go to get home? He pulls out his phone and brings up the calculator. Fifteen times 1500, then divide by 5,280…

A little over four and a quarter miles, in six hours. They can do that just fine. _How long will it take you to rig everything up?_ He asks. 

“Eh, no more than half an hour. We’ll be home in no time.” 

_Is there anything you need me to do?_

Heinz shrugs. “Help me while I’m building? Like, hand me tools and stuff. You can do that, right?” 

Perry smiles. He helps Phineas and Ferb build whenever he can, he’s fine with that. _I can do that._

In the end, it only takes Heinz twenty minutes to build the portal gun and link everything up. 

_Ready to go?_ Perry asks. 

“Absolutely,” Heinz says. He shifts the portal gun around, trying to carry it. “Jeez, this thing is unwieldy. Not really very heavy, but kinda awkward. But yeah, ready whenever you are.”

Perry considers something. It would probably be faster, and certainly easier, and he can do it…

_Here, hop on my back. I’ll carry you._

“Perry, you don’t need to do that. I can handle this just fine.”

 _It’ll be faster and easier. Besides, I’ve carried you before._

“You’ve carried me for, oh what was it, five miles before?” Perry can hear the doubt in Heinz’s voice.

_It’s only four and a quarter miles. And if I can pass the OWCA fitness test, I can do this. Trust me._

“Okay, but if you’re having trouble, we’re going to stop.”

Perry nods. _Sounds good. C’mere_. He holds his arms out, and Heinz climbs onto his back. 

“Ready to go?”

Perry nods. He’s ready for this whole adventure to be _over_. 

Heinz opens the first portal in front of them. “Then let’s go.”

* * *

Vanessa groans as she jogs all the way back to her set, her drum squeaking on its harness. This is the sixth time they’ve had to run this section, all because the low brass can’t seem to figure out how to keep their feet in time. 

To make matters worse, the rest of the band isn’t even playing. In fact, she’s the only one in the battery stuck even wearing a drum, beating out quarter notes on the rim because the met died an hour ago. 

There are perks to being center snare, but this _isn't_ one of them. She envies the soloist standing at the front of the field. Candace, that’s her name. _She_ gets to stand there, only playing her solo over and over while the pit tries to figure out how to make the ancient soundboard work in their favor. 

She gets back to her set and brings her sticks up, hoping that this time the baritones will finally get it together and they can have a water break. 

Right as she starts to tap off, a blue portal appears in front of her, and she jumps, dropping her sticks on the ground. Two oddly familiar people, one on the other’s shoulders, jump out, and the portal closes. The people run five yards (in eight steps, Vanessa notes), then open and jump into a similar portal. 

“You saw that, right?” she asks Lacey, who’s standing right next to her and fiddling with the silk on her flag. 

Lacey nods. “I think that was, like, your dad with the, like, portal gun.”

Vanessa’s eyes go wide as she picks up her sticks. That _was_ her dad, wasn’t it. And the guy carrying him was Perry, her dad’s boyfriend, wearing scrubs and a 1940’s fedora for some reason. 

Well, strange things happen every day in Danville. 

But marching bands stop for nobody. (Last year, Vanessa plowed right through a field judge that was in her way. Hearing about that on the visual judge’s tape was certainly an experience.) Vanessa shakes off any residual “that was weird” feelings and clicks the stick in her left hand against the rim of her drum in time with the drum major’s countoff. 

* * *

“Wait, I think that was Vanessa in the dimension with the band,” Heinz says from Perry’s back a few dimensions later. “The girl with the drum, the one we almost ran into.”

Well, Perry isn’t surprised- they do tend to run into themselves (or people close to them) in different dimensions a whole lot. Heinz told him last night how he ran into _another_ Perry in the hospital-and-pirates dimension. 

“I know she’s really into music right now,” Heinz continues, “she’s always playing this electric guitar in her room. Although being in marching band seems a little nerdy for her.”

Perry shrugs to the best of his ability. He wouldn’t suspect that Candace was a bassoon player, but she is. And it looks like she was playing the flute in the band dimension.

Music seems to be another one of those things that crosses dimensions. 

* * *

Perry runs through his mental checklist one last time. Cell and watch, their batteries with them, shoved into his hat. Taser at his calf, pistol at his hip, grappling hook in his hand. 

He listens carefully to the forest around him. Sure, he hears the chattering and cawing of squirrels and birds, but that’s not what he listens for. He listens for the tell-tale sounds of humans walking through the woods. He listens for the squeaking whirr of the cameras on OWCA’s building rotating on their axes. 

His eyes drink in every detail about the building before him. He’s been in this building many times before, but never like this. Never has he had to infiltrate his own secret agency to bring it back from the brink of enemy occupation.

He notices _everything_. The solid weight of the grappling hook in his hand, _almost_ evenly distributed. The slight scent of pine in the air. The way the dirt shifts under his shoes as he prepares to fire off the grappling hook. The slight nerves mixing with adrenaline in his stomach, creating a brew of tension ready to come to a head. 

Actually, he notices _almost_ everything.

What he doesn’t notice is the duo appearing behind him, another OWCA agent carrying his nemesis on his back. A portal opens, spilling the strange pair onto the forest floor before closing. The agent runs the required fifteen feet, and the scientist opens another portal. They step through, and the portal closes behind them, all without attracting the attention of the agent. 

Perry takes a deep breath and fires the grappling hook. 

* * *

Perry raises one eyebrow. He’s pretty sure that was the forest right outside OWCA’s Danville HQ in the last dimension, and he’s certain that it was him with the grappling hook. His is dented in the exact same way, on the side, in a way that throws it off balance ever so slightly. 

He’s not quite sure why he would need to sneak into OWCA’s headquarters via the roof, but he hopes everything turns out alright for that version of himself. 

* * *

Another few dimensions, and they step out onto Danville’s Main Street, right near the mayor’s house. Heinz sighs. “Nope, still not ours. Only nine hundred dimensions to go, though.”

Well, at least there’s that. He can’t do the math in his head, but they’ve probably got about two and a half miles left. 

Perry screeches to halt as a...something materializes out of thin air right in front of them. It looks like the time machine from the museum, actually. And is that another Heinz sitting in it, right next to another him? 

Jeez, talk about running into themselves. 

They look...much older. Somewhere in their sixties, if Perry had to guess. 

It’s good to know Perry’s terrible fashion sense doesn’t change across dimensions. 

The other Heinz tips his top hat at them, then checks his pocket watch. He tells something to the other Perry, who shrugs and pulls the lever on the side of the time machine. 

The machine disappears into thin air, and Heinz opens a portal where it was. 

* * *

“Was that the time machine from the museum?” Heinz asks a few dimensions later. Perry nods.

“And that was _us_ , wasn’t it? Gosh, I hope _we_ don’t get mixed up in time travel,” Heinz says. “That would be a pretty crazy story. Even crazier than this one.”

Perry considers this. It’d have to be a pretty long story, and it would be pretty science-y. 

Maybe it would end up written, but he kinda doubts that. It’d have to be in-depth, too, and he figures that after a crazy story like this one, he deserves some time off. 

Although who knows if he’ll _actually_ get time off. He works for Major Monogram, _vacation_ is practically a foreign concept.

* * *

It’s about half an hour later when Perry steps through into a dimension that looks eerily similar to Perryborg’s dimension. Complete with statues of Doofenshmirtz everywhere and patrolling Norm-bots. 

Even the choking smog is the same. He can feel Doofenshmirtz tense up on his back, opening the next portal as close as safely possible. The counter on his watch that Heinz hooked up a few dozen dimensions ago says that this isn’t Perryborg’s dimension, but he isn’t so sure. It looks _way_ too similar for it to be a different dimension. 

Either way, they can’t stay. They don’t have long to get home, they need to keep moving as quickly as possible. Much as Perry hates to leave a tyrannical dimension in need of a good overthrowing, they need to get home. 

Perry steps into the next dimension, a whimsical dimension full of pink and green plants, the portal closing behind them. 

Less than a second after the portal closes, Phineas, Ferb, and Perry the Platypus land on the ground after being saved by rather unconventional architecture. 

* * *

They have about five hundred dimensions left to go when Perry stops to take a break. He _could_ keep going, but a break will be better in the long run. 

And this dimension should be pretty good to take a break in. It doesn’t look like there’s anything too strange going on. He sets Heinz down and looks around.

Well, it looks like they’re in some alleyway in the eighteenth century, so that’s a little weird. But other than that, everything seems to be fine. 

“Honestly, it’s kind of weird to be running through all these dimensions,” Heinz says as he fiddles with the portal gun, and Perry nods in agreement. “You certainly see more of each dimension this way.”

Two figures appear at the end of the alleyway, talking to each other. 

“Good haul tonight, eh, Ly?” A deep voice says. 

“Keep your voice down!” a higher yet familiar voice shushes. 

The deep voice sighs. “Aw, Doofie doesn’ have any plants in this part of London.”

“You say that, ‘n then you end up in the cells beggin’ me to getcha out.”

Perry and Heinz share a look. London? And these must be thieves, with how they’re talking about “hauls”. Perry signs for Heinz to stay silent. 

The deep voice laughs. “Nah, tha’d be you. I can geddout on my own.”

“Oi, don’ drag me like that,” the higher voice protests. 

“Only speakin’ the truth, Lyla, dear.” Lyla? His sister is one of the thieves? No wonder Perry recognized that higher voice. “Wait, look.”

“Hmm?”

“I think we got us some company. See?”

“I see ‘em. Let’s get outta here, Per.”

“Good plan.”

Once the figures move away, Heinz laughs. “You? A thief? That’s _absurd_.”

_What makes you so certain that was me?_

“The teal hair, duh.”

Perry shakes his head. There’s no way he’s a thief in a different dimension. Like Heinz said, that’s absurd. 

_We should keep going._

“You good?” Perry nods and holds his arms out. Heinz climbs onto his back and opens the next portal, all the way at the end of the alleyway. 

* * *

Perry steps through into a dimension that looks strangely like the other two Doofenshmirtz-controlled dimensions. 

However, unlike those dimensions, not everything is purple and green, and there’s far less smog. 

There’s still statues everywhere, all though there’s two people on each one. Robots still patrol. But there are also beds of flowers, and the few people wandering around actually look somewhat happy. 

As he jogs by one of the statues, he looks up at the text on the pedestal. 

Your Leaders, Dr. and Dr. Doofenshmirtz. And the two people standing on top of the pedestal are...him and Heinz? 

Now _that’s_ something to think about. A dimension where he’s evil, a dimension where he’s working with Heinz, a dimension where he’s (probably) _married_ to Heinz. 

And evil. He’s definitely evil in this dimension. That statue depicts him in a sharp Victorian-style lab coat, with rather spiky hair, practically _screaming_ evil. 

The next portal appears in front of him, and Perry jumps through, eager to get out of a dimension that’s this weird. 

* * *

Grasses whisper in a quiet field. An ambulance wails in the distance. The sun is high in the sky, but the day feels bleak. The air smells acrid, like asphalt after the rain, but everything is dry.

Someone died here, and the earth is mourning.

Perry’s shoes raise puffs of dust as he runs along the dirt road. 

If he looked down, Perry would see drops of blood scattered by his footprints. If he looked to his left, he would see the quiet peace of the grass interrupted by the smoking remains of a crashed hovercar. If he looked behind him, he would see a warehouse of robots in the distance.

And far in front of him, two ambulances speed towards Danville General Hospital. One with a passenger who is already dead, the other with two timers showing naught but black zeros. 

* * *

Many dimensions later, Perry steps through a lime-green portal into some park. He barely avoids falling into a large fountain, turning at the last moment. 

Somebody laughs from nearby. Perry turns to see somebody wearing a backwards baseball cap, working on a laptop. They must have been the source of the laugh.

“Hey Perry, hey Doctor D,” they call out. “Only two hundred and sixty four dimensions left to go, I think. You got this, just don’t fall into the fountain.” They laugh again. “Be safe out there!”

Heinz opens another portal, and Perry steps through. 

“Do you have any idea who that was?”

Perry shakes his head. Looked like some sort of author, maybe. And the place didn’t look anything like anywhere in Danville. 

“Obviously, they knew who we were. Eh, we’ve seen weirder, right?”

Perry nods. It’s really no weirder than the blob monsters.

* * *

“Oh no,” Heinz says as Perry jogs through a dimension full of crystals. Perry gulps. He churrs to ask _what’s wrong?_

“The -inator, it’s starting to malfunction. It’s taking a lot more power than I thought. I’m going to have to wire it into my arms. Don’t worry. We should be able to get home.”

Perry checks the counter on his watch. Fifty dimensions left. Seven hundred and fifty feet. They’ll make it. 

It’s almost invisible, but the next portal Heinz fires flickers just a bit as it opens. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here are all the dimensional cameos (in order): 
> 
> [Band Dads](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23332396) (implied)  
> Duty, Honor, Courage. Strength (in part 3) (also I need to re-write that one because it's totally OOC/badly paced, so actually _don't_ reread that one)  
> Professor and Platypus Time (Even though I've only seen like...3 episodes of MML)  
> Canon 2nd dimension  
> The Jack Sheppard AU that I'll probably (no promises) write after Perryshmirtz week is over  
> Evil Perry AU  
> The Soulmates AU ([A Twisted Time](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23816968))  
> Our dimension (now that's a fourth wall break!)


	21. If You Love Someone...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CATU was amazing. It wasn't perfect, but it was a great movie. ~~and i already wrote a[fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26162491) about it.~~
> 
> But now I'm back to writing for Perryverse!
> 
> TW's for brief firearm mentions

They have twenty five dimensions left when Perry notices the flicker that eats at the edges of the portals. 

Heinz seems to notice at the same time too, because he asks Perry to take a break so he can repair the dimensional portal gun. 

This dimension seems pretty safe, if a bit dark, so Perry stops and sets Heinz down. 

He looks around, taking stock of their situation. It’s still dark, so Perry pulls a flashlight out of his hat and turns it on. They’re on a roof somewhere, in the early hours right before dawn. Perry steps away from the edge of the roof, not wanting to take a tumble off into the barely-lit parking lot below.

Man, who knew all this dimension-travelling stuff screwed with timelines, too? The teacher had mentioned that it was September in his dimension. It’s mid-July back home. It feels like this whole adventure started in _May_. 

“Hey Perry, can you come bring the flashlight over here?” Heinz asks. 

Perry nods, then realizes that Heinz probably can’t see him. It _is_ rather dark up here, only illuminated by the residual light from the lights in the parking lot seven or eight stories before. He steps over to where Heinz is. 

Huh. He had no idea that the insides of Heinz’s arms could glow. It’s not a strong glow by any means, but it’s at least a few lumens. 

“I think this is a power issue,” Heinz says, “so if I wire the portal-inator through my arms, we’ll be able to use that power. We’ve only got twenty five dimensions left, it should be okay.”

 _Sounds good,_ Perry signs. _Do you need me to hold the flashlight?_

“Nah, but if you could leave it on the ground like...that, yeah, that would be great.”

In the distance, Perry hears the slight crunch of a car pulling into a parking lot below, and he decides to go check it out. He peers over the edge of the roof to see a sleek, low black car pull into the parking lot. It parks in the far corner of the lot, where Perry can barely see it. 

Someone gets out of the car and puts a fedora on their head. 

Perry gulps. Is this…

He pulls a second flashlight out of his hat (it always pays to be prepared) and walks around the edge of the roof. 

It’s got to be. This is the Tri-State Area OWCA headquarters of this dimension. 

As long as they stay away from the edge of the roof, they should be fine. Perry walks back over to Heinz and relays this information to him. 

“I’m about halfway through connecting this. Do you think we’ll get discovered?”

Perry shakes his head. Nobody ever comes up to the roof. _As long as we stay away from the edge of the roof, and keep our heads down, we should be okay._

“Okay, sounds good. Where are we, anyway?”

Perry grimaces. _OWCA headquarters, Tri-State Area._

Heinz whips his head up. “You’re kidding.”

Perry shakes his head. _Nope, not kidding. But there aren’t any cameras on the roof in our dimension, so we should be safe here as well. And I’ll keep watch._

“Yeah, do that. I’ll try to connect things as quickly as I can.” 

_Don’t go so fast you make mistakes. I don’t want us to get stranded._

Heinz nods and looks back down at his arm and continues to mess with the wires. 

The sounds of a motorcycle driving into the lot snaps Perry to attention. He kneels down and peers over the edge of the roof. 

Illuminated by the yellowed lights of the parking lot is _his motorcycle_. 

Oh no. He’s never at OWCA this early. Heck, he’s almost never even _awake_ this early. For him to be here at OWCA at what must be three, four AM, something strange must be going on. 

A dozen equally-unlikely possibilities run through his mind as he watches the other him park and take off his helmet. The other him then puts on his fedora and starts towards the entrance to headquarters. 

Perry leans a little farther over to see who the person in the sports car was. 

Hold on a moment. Is that Peter the Panda?

He’s meeting Peter the Panda at OWCA headquarters at way-too-early o’clock in the morning. There’s no way this can be any good. 

But nothing happens. Nothing at all. Peter leans up against one of the poles supporting the awning over the doors, the other Perry leans against the other. 

They don’t fight, they only glare at each other. At least that’s something. 

Another car pulls into the parking lot. Pinky’s, if Perry remembers correctly. 

An agent gets out of the car, as well as a passenger. Once the duo gets closer, Perry can tell that it’s Pinky (so he was right) and...Carl? 

He can understand Carl being here this early. He’s the intern, he tends to be the first one here in the morning (although usually not this early) and the last to leave at night, with a break in the middle of the day to go to class. 

But Pinky? That kid _abhors_ getting up early. 

Another car pulls into the lot, and a junior agent Perry doesn’t recognize steps out. All five of them gather together by the doors. Someone speaks, although Perry can’t make out what any of them say. He watches as the other him signs something, then all of the gathered agents hand Carl something. 

Are they paying him? What are they doing? 

Carl turns and unlocks the door, and all the agents disappear inside. 

Well, it’s not his place to worry about it. Whatever is going on, it won’t affect them. 

_ETA_? He asks Heinz. 

Heinz shrugs. “Fifteen minutes, give or take. Why, are we in danger?”

Perry shakes his head. What are the chances that everybody gathered down below will come up to the roof?

_No, but we should move so we’re hidden a bit better. Can you still work if we move behind that big boxy thing over there?_

Heinz nods. “Can you help carry this stuff? I really only brought what I could fit in my lab coat pockets, but…”

Perry nods, picking up the tools and they move behind the boxy thing. He’s pretty sure it’s some sort of HVAC thing, but he doesn’t know much about that sort of thing. It’s never really been important for him to know, and it isn’t important now. 

Heinz ducks down just in time, since the door to the stairs squeaks open and several sets of footsteps step onto the gravel of the roof. 

Perry peers around the edge of the boxy thing, watching as Carl pulls a black case out of his backpack. He says something that Perry can’t quite make out, then opens the case. The other agent, the one Perry doesn’t recognize, says something and Pinky nods. 

He has his suspicions about what’s in the case, but his eyes still go wide when Pinky pulls a pistol out of the case. The other agent takes another out, then Carl shuts the case and puts it back in his backpack.

Perry watches as both junior agents take the pistols to opposite sides of the roof. 

This isn’t just some ordinary mission. This is an agent’s duel. 

And Perry doesn’t want to be around when the guns go off. Duels are done to the _death_ in OWCA, although they’ve been forbidden since 1981, when a pair of agents found that they hadn’t been specifically outlawed. After that incident, they’d been forbidden. 

Apparently not in this dimension, though. He taps Heinz on the shoulder to get his attention. 

_There’s a duel about to happen up here. People all over the roof. How quickly can you get us out of here?_

Heinz shrugs. _Five minutes max_ , he signs. _Probably only two._

Perry looks back at the others preparing to duel. If he remembers correctly, the fact that Pinky and the unknown other agent have met in the center means that they’re about to start. Do they have five minutes?

Hopefully.

Perry watches, heart sinking, as Pinky and the other agent return to the other Perry and Peter respectively. Did they negotiate a way out of the duel?

The junior agents step off to the side. Peter and the other Perry step towards each other. Carl pulls a red case out of his backpack, then turns around.

Perry gulps. They’re actually going to go through with this. That was the intern turning around for deniability. 

Heinz taps his shoulder, and Perry turns around. _I’m done,_ he signs. 

Thank god. _Let’s get out of here,_ Perry signs. Heinz fires the portal gun with a barely-audible zap, then scoots through. Perry follows right behind him, and just in time, since the two junior agents start to count just as the portal closes. 

This dimension seems safer, at least. They’re in the middle of an empty yet still illuminated shopping mall. 

Heinz sighs in relief. “Only twenty four dimensions left.”

Perry nods. At least there’s that. _Then let’s keep going._ He holds his arms out, and Heinz climbs onto his back. 

He walks the required fifteen feet, almost slipping on the mall's freshly-waxed floors, and Heinz fires off the next portal with a hiss of pain. 

Perry churrs, concerned. 

“It’s fine,” Heinz says. “Just didn’t expect it. I’ll be alright. Let’s just try to hurry home.”

Perry sets off at a faster pace than before. If they need to hurry, he can do that. It’s not like they have far to go. 

Fourteen dimensions later, in a dimension where they must be in some sort of park, Perry’s watch pings to alert him. Only ten dimensions until they get home. 

Unfortunately, Heinz has been in clear pain since the fifteenth dimension. It’s all Perry can do to keep him on his back. 

Perry pauses. It might be a better idea to carry Heinz in his arms, rather than on his back.

He sets Heinz down on one of the benches that are nearby and relays this idea to him. 

“Yeah, that might work better,” he says through gritted teeth. “Just ten dimensions, right?”

Perry nods and shows him the watch. _Do you need a break?_ He asks, although it really isn’t a question. 

Heinz shakes his head. “The longer this stays connected to my arms, the more power it takes, the more pain it causes. And I can’t disconnect it without irrevocably damaging it either.”

_Can you at least turn off the pain sensitivity in your arms?_

“They’re as low as they can get.”

 _Then we have to get home as fast as possible. Here, let me pick you up._ Perry scoops one arm under Heinz’s knees, the other around his back, and picks him up. 

Heinz opens the next dimension with a wince, and Perry steps through. 

This dimension, the ninth-to-last one, seems to be nothing but farmland. 

In the eighth dimension, Perry barely manages to avoid falling into a fountain for the second time that day. 

They run through the Monogram Flying Circus in the seventh dimension, featuring the father-son act of Francis and Montgomery Monogram. Perry really has no idea what to think of that, other than he really doesn’t want to see the Major Monogram from _their_ dimension do acrobatics.

Heinz notes that the college lecture they run through in the sixth dimension is about dimensional science, and comments that he just made that professor’s year. 

The fifth dimension is a car wash. Perry figured it had to happen sooner or later. 

Thankfully, the fourth dimension is blazing hot, and their clothes dry almost instantly. 

In the third-to-last dimension, Perry nearly knocks over an entire grocery store’s display of canned tomatoes. 

The second-to-last dimension is a field of bright, chipper tulips that Perry does his absolute best to _not_ trample.

And the last dimension before they get home is the exact opposite of the previous dimension. It’s a wasteland, with nothing but gray sand and the occasional rock as far as the eye can see.

Heinz opens the final portal. It’s lime green, and it’s flickering pretty badly. Even worse than the last ones. At times, the portal flickers out almost completely before it returns. 

Then it flickers again, and it’s gone. 

Heinz’s eyes go wide. “Oh no.”

That can’t be good. Perry sets Heinz down to sign. _What’s wrong?_ He asks.

“Due to all the travel that’s taking place between dimensions, some of the dimensions are ripping away from the continuum early. And ours is one of those dimensions.”

_Well, we’re just a dimension away, we can get home no problem. Right?_

“That’s the thing. Only one of us can get home.”

Perry narrows his eyes. _You’re joking, right? This is just a...plot device, or something?_

Heinz shakes his head. “I’m not joking. The connection is only strong enough to take one life-form back before the dimensions rip apart, possibly forever.”

_And you can’t… lasso them back together, or something?_

“I can’t. There’s just no way we can both get back.”

Perry ponders this for a moment. If only one of them can get back, then which one of them is it going to be?

He doesn’t want to think about that. Heinz can work miracles, surely he can get them back home. 

_Are you sure? I’ve seen you do amazing things before. I know you can get us both home._

“I really can’t. I don’t have the materials, the tools, or anything. And there’s no way you have any of that in your hat. Even then, there’s almost no way that it would work.”

_But you can try, right?_

“It’s _impossible_ , okay? That means I can’t do it. It means there isn’t really isn’t a point in trying because there’s no way we can both get home.”

 _Are you one hundred percent sure?_ Perry asks. 

“YES!” Heinz snaps, then he shakes his head. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled. But it’s true. We can only get one person home, and it’s going to be you.”

Perry’s eyes go wide. Him? After all of this, _he’s_ going to be the one going home. He shakes his head, bringing his hands up to sign that there’s _got_ to be some way to get both of them home. But Heinz cuts him off. 

“We’re out of time,” he says. “My arms are going to run out of the amount of power that we need in three minutes, tops. We have to do this, there’s no other way.”

 _Then why not you?_ Perry asks. _Why can’t you go home?_

“Because you have people that care about you, Perry. You have a brother and a sister that care about you. You have your niece and nephews, you have a love interest. You have a _life_. Who am I to take that away from you?”

_And you don’t have people who care about you?_

“They wouldn’t miss me for long. I hate to do this to my little girl, but you’ve got more people that care about you.”

Perry has no idea how to respond to that. Being trapped in another dimension with your nemesis, with only one of you able to get home, is _not_ something that’s covered in training.

If he was trapped with any other evil scientist, Perry would jump at the chance to go home. Now, though, nothing is as clear as that. 

Heinz sighs. “Just face it, you have to be the one to go home.” 

_We can’t both just stay here forever?_

“We’ll die in a week, tops. Please let me do this, Perry. You deserve a chance at life, more so than me.”

Oh, that’s it. Heinz doesn’t think he deserves to go home. _Then I’ll fight you. Loser goes home._

Heinz shakes his head. “I don’t want to do that. I really wish we could both go home. But we can’t. Even if we both jumped through at the exact same time, we’d both burn to a crisp. You have to go home.”

Perry sighs. _Heinz, despite the fact that I have a family, if I don’t return they won’t remember me. OWCA will make sure of that. My sister is an agent, but they’ll wipe her memory too. It’ll be like I never existed. People will remember if you don’t go home. And you can make a difference in the world. You can invent so many things. I’m just a glorified cop. There’s always new agents who will be just like me. There will never be anybody else like you. It has to be you that goes home. It just has to be._

“Fine,” Heinz says, defeated. “I’ll send myself home.” He looks down. “Just let me do one thing first.”

 _Okay,_ Perry signs. _Just one thing._

Heinz grabs onto the front of Perry’s shirt with his right hand, the hand that isn’t connected directly to the portal gun. 

Perry barely has a second to react or fight back before Heinz’s lips are on his, pressing them together in a kiss that’s just barely on the edge of bruising. 

Perry’s eyes go wide. This is Heinz, who he thought _didn’t like him_ (why else would he refuse to acknowledge Perry’s confession?). _Kissing_ him. As the last thing he does before he goes home. 

He can hear his own heart as it beats in overdrive, almost drowning out the sound of a soft zap in the background. His shoes scrape against the ground as Heinz pushes him backwards. 

Heinz breaks the kiss. Before Perry can sign anything like _hold on_ or _why didn’t you say anything_ , Heinz speaks. 

“I’m sorry,” he says, “but you know what they say. If you love someone, let them go. Live your life, Perry. I love you.”

He’s barely able to process what’s just happened when Heinz shoves him, and he falls through a portal onto the ground. 

The last thing he sees before the portal winks into nothingness is Heinz standing in the other dimension, an apologetic smile on his face. 

A brief look around reveals that he’s in Heinz’s lab. Is he really back home? A glance at the counter on his watch confirms that. He’s home. 

And Heinz isn’t. 

Perry shakes off his mixed emotions. He’ll deal with all that craziness later. For now, he looks around the lab, trying to find anything that can get Heinz back, because of _course_ he’s not going to give up just yet.

His eyes fall on the -inator that got them into this mess. 

Hmm. If Heinz was able to pull the other Perrys directly out of their dimensions, then can’t he use this -inator to pull Heinz out of that dimension, despite the distance? Shouldn’t that work? 

It should. At least, Perry doesn’t know why it wouldn’t. He grins and walks over towards the -inator. 

On the way over, he passes by a table with a bright red box on it. Perry picks it up and looks at it, because bright red boxes never hold anything good.

_Agent-Proximity Self-Destruct Button. Activates the third time a secret agent gets close to your invention, because the third time’s the charm!_

The box is empty. Does that mean Heinz used it on the- yep, the image on the box looks exactly like the self-destruct button that’s only a few inches from his hand. 

Let’s see, he’s been next to the -inator how many times? If he counts right now, he’s been next to this -inator...three times. 

Oh no. 

Perry’s barely able to turn away before the -inator explodes with an earth shattering boom. 

As soon as his ears stop ringing, he looks up. 

Well, the -inator’s toast. There goes that plan. 

A scrap of blue paper flutters on a nearby lab table. Doesn’t Heinz have blueprints of everything he builds? And Perry knows quite a few parts suppliers thanks to him helping his nephews build every day... He can do this. 

Starting with finding the blueprints, and maybe a few books on dimensional science. Heinz tends to make his blueprints a little vague, having connected the dots in his mind instead of on paper. 

He’ll have to build quickly. If he’s going to get Heinz back, he doesn’t have much time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoopsie, another cliffhanger! 
> 
> And hey, look at that, I _can_ do seven chapters in August. 
> 
> The duel dimension is from [The Ten Duel Commandments](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25743046).


	22. ...You'll Do Anything To Get Them Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Goodness gracious, we're almost done!
> 
> TW's: Past self-harm

Perry huffs. Why does this dimensional science stuff have to be so confusing? It sounded so simple when Heinz explained it earlier. All these crazy things with “dimensional energy” and “gigawatts of electricity” are more confusing than the international laws regarding cyber crime. And those are _confusing_. There’s a reason Perry doesn’t work in the cybersecurity division. 

Even the blueprint is fairly intuitive, other than all the long science words and missing pieces. Ferb could take a couple hints from Heinz- he tends to use more abbreviations than full words, which makes things confusing to say the least. 

After the tenth time he has to google some long and unpronounceable word, he swears that he’s _never_ going to get involved in something like this again. If another scheme smells like disaster as much as this one did, he’s going to just thwart it as fast as possible, then _leave_. 

If something like this ever happens again. It’s entirely possible that this plan won’t work, and Heinz will be trapped in that dimension forever. 

He can’t think about that. In fact, he doesn’t _want_ to think about that. If Heinz doesn’t get back then he’ll...well, he doesn’t know what he’ll do, because he _refuses to think about it._

A part of him wishes that Phineas and Ferb were here to help him. They’d get the invention built in no longer than a montage (only a scene flip, if the rest of the gang is helping with it), and it would work perfectly on the first try. 

But he can’t have them here, and not just because of his secret agent-ness. 

No, Phineas and Ferb think of him as cool Uncle Perry, who works for the government and startles easily (and happens to be trans). Ferb knows a bit more, but not much, since Perry went off to college before he was old enough to really remember much. And despite Stacy knowing his cover, Candace has no idea that he’s an agent. 

All that means they have no idea about the _baggage_ that comes with being an agent. He can explain the scrapes and occasional broken bone on his skateboarding hobby (which isn’t exactly a lie, he _did_ have to infiltrate a skateboarding competition as a contestant, and he somehow got third place), but it’s much harder to explain away the PTSD. 

Thankfully, he’s able to keep that part mostly under wraps. It’s stressful, and probably not healthy, but it’s better than having to leave his family for good. 

Once the kids are old enough to be able to protect themselves, and he’s been mostly taken off field work (being an agent is notoriously hard on a person, if one manages to live that long), he’ll tell them. 

But he doesn’t want them to know yet. If they know, they won’t keep quiet, things will slip, and they’ll become targets. 

And he doesn’t want them to see how he’s barely holding it together most days, barely keeping control over everything that threatens to overwhelm him. 

They think of him as cool, casual Uncle Perry. They shouldn’t have to carry the knowledge that he’s the exact opposite of their assumptions. Sleeping in not because he’s lazy or a heavy sleeper, but because nightmares and horrible intrusive thoughts keep him up until the first rays of dawn crack through the curtains. Bruised and broken because of missions gone wrong, not misjudged skateboard tricks. Startling easy due to years of having to constantly be hyper-aware of everything. 

They don’t need to know that, so they won’t. 

What are the boys even up to today? Perry gets up and walks over to the balcony to see if he can spot them. 

It turns out they’re having a massive, city-wide bumper car battle. Perry quickly ducks to avoid being spotted. 

Well, as long as he stays in the lab, it’ll be fine. 

Speaking of staying in the lab, he needs to finish building the dimensional -inator to get Heinz home. He can’t afford to take breaks. 

Sure, he’s got almost two hours left until the dimensions are closed forever, but it’ll take every minute for him to figure out how to do any of this. 

Even just the basic electrical work is confusing, and that’s what he does whenever he helps Phineas and Ferb build. He’s used to weird power requirements and strange circuitry, but this really takes the cake. 

But it’ll be worth it to finish this and get Heinz home. It’ll be worth every single twinge in his back and word he has to look up. It’ll be worth _everything_ to get him back.

He hasn’t even attempted to process the last three minutes from the last dimension. Heinz had convinced him (although not thoroughly) that he was going to go home- and then he kissed him and shoved him into the portal. 

Talk about a bait-and-switch. Not to mention, Heinz _completely_ missed the ball when Perry literally asked him out, then kissed him but a few hours later. 

And the cherry on top? Heinz had said “I love you” right before he pushed Perry through the portal. 

Oblivious isn’t a strong enough word to describe how absolutely clueless Heinz can be sometimes. 

He just has to hope that once he’s done with this, they'll fix up this misunderstanding.

And maybe he can get at least a day of vacation. Even just to fill out the mountains of paperwork involved with a mission of this caliber. 

Being a secret agent is good work, and it pays decently well, but good lord is there a lot of paperwork. He doesn’t have to lie to the kids when he says he’s frequently swamped. 

The only difference, really, is that the kids think he deals with suppliers for government buildings. (Hey, someone has to do it, and it’s boring enough for the kids to take almost no interest in his work.)

This whole adventure has been exhausting. Once all this is over, he’s going to go home and _sleep_. Nevermind the fact that it’ll only be three PM at the latest. He’s going to go home, and he’s going to straight-up collapse.

Actually, he’ll probably take a shower first, but after that? He’s going to enjoy a nice nap. It’s been a long time since he’s had an uninterrupted nap, and god knows he needs one. 

His eyes are slowly blurring over, and he blinks to clear them. They don’t clear, so he scrubs at them. When they stay obstinately blurry, he groans and turns to the -inator. He can get a start on building everything, at least. Then maybe his eyes can adjust, and he can stave off the impending headache. 

This happens sometimes, his eyes will blur over when he’s reading too much tiny writing, especially if he’s trying to decipher bad handwriting like Heinz’s. If he doesn’t take a break, then he’ll end up with a wicked headache. 

He sighs. Heinz’s blueprints might be more intuitive, but at least Ferb’s handwriting is neat. He definitely inherited it from Lawrence. If Perry thought _his_ handwriting was neat…

Although his neat writing is more out of necessity than anything. Danville is a pretty progressive place, but even then, ASL isn’t common knowledge. 

That’s part of why he stayed with Professor Pearlescent for so long. Despite all her other _many_ shortcomings, at least she knew ASL. 

Perry sighs. Less thinking about language, more building. 

He almost welds the wrong panels together, pinches his fingers multiple times, and somehow manages to build most of the outer shell and user interface by the time his eyes are back to normal. 

Now it’s just time to move onto the wiring, the guts, and all of the hard parts. Starting with the electrical work, once he figures out how to get this last panel onto the -inator.

At least most of that stuff is laid out in its entirety in the blueprints. 

Perry looks at the blueprint, then at the bolt in his hand, then the -inator, then back at the blueprint. This bolt _should_ fit into the hole on the side right there, but it _isn’t_. Something’s got to be wrong, because it just isn’t working. 

He does his best to slam the bolt into the side of the -inator, but it only makes his hand hurt. 

Great. Now his hand _and_ his head hurt. 

Heinz’s voice has been practically echoing in his head, telling him to just take a break already for the past half hour. Perry’s been stalwartly ignoring it in favor of working on the -inator, but right about now a break sounds pretty good. 

He shakes his head. If he wants to get Heinz back, he has to keep working. He’ll take a break when he’s _done_. 

Then a little snippet of their conversation from last night comes back to him. 

“Promise you won’t be reckless,” Heinz had said, “promise you’ll take care of yourself.”

Perry hadn’t exactly promised to do either of those things, but he had promised to _try._ And what he’s doing right now is probably the _opposite_ of trying to take care of himself. 

Maybe he’ll take a _little_ break. He can work on the electrical stuff instead of trying to finish the panel. That way he won’t _technically_ be lying, but he’ll still be working, and he’ll still be in control. 

Unfortunately, it’s the same story with every other part of the -inator. Everything fits together smoothly, right up until the moment it doesn’t. Perry looks back at the blueprints again, scouring them to try and find where he went wrong. He can barely even read some of Heinz’s tiny scribbles, so he gets up to find some sort of magnifying glass. 

His vision almost blacks out when he stands up, and he has to throw his arms out for balance. He can feel his heartbeat pounding inside his skull. 

That’s probably not good. He leans against the lab table next to him for a moment to wait for things to subside. 

Yeah, maybe he _does_ need a break. Or at least some sort of painkiller. Did he remember to replace the pills in his hat after that one mission to Hong Kong? 

Apparently not. 

Perry sighs and descends the stairs from the lab into the apartment. Heinz probably has some sort of painkillers in his bathroom, he gets exploded enough to need them. 

And he does, in the medicine cabinet behind the mirror. Perry takes one and swallows it dry (he’s used to it), then closes the cabinet.

It’s a little vain, but Perry fixes his hair in the mirror before he leaves the bathroom. At least there’s _one_ thing he’s in control of. Even if everything else has spiraled beyond belief, he can have one little thing to keep himself in control. 

Everybody believes that Perry’s a naturally neat and tidy person, but the reality is, it’s just something to stay in control. He might not be able to control which missions he’s put on, but he can keep his hat tidy. There’s no way for him to stop the nightmares and flashbacks, but at least he can keep his outward appearance neat. 

And it’s a better coping mechanism than pulling out the lighter in his hat and adding one more little round mark to the older rows on his arms. 

He hasn’t relapsed since he was seventeen, and he plans to keep it that way. Sure, he’s come close dozens of times, because that sort of thing never really leaves, but it’s been years and years and he’s not going to ruin that now. 

No matter how out-of-control everything is, no matter how much everything has gone wrong, no matter how much everything hurts, he made a _promise_. And Perry the Platypus keeps his goddamn promises.

Speaking of promises, he promised Heinz that he’d take care of himself, and he did. Now he can go keep building. 

Actually, he should probably get a glass of water or something first. Dehydration headaches aren’t fun. 

The fridge in the kitchen is absolutely covered in papers and pictures. As Perry drinks a glass of water, he looks over the papers in front of him.

Most of them are old tests of Vanessa’s, or pictures she’s drawn. A few magnets barely manage to keep everything held to the fridge. 

Looking around the kitchen, Perry can see how the coffee maker's paint is chipped, how the old stove is rusting just a bit.

But the cookbooks in the cupboard are organized by color, even if a few spines are warped. The dishes are all sparkling clean, even if none of them quite match each other. 

Everything’s held together with meticulous organization, even here. He and Heinz are more alike than he previously thought. 

He actually really relates to Heinz wanting to take over the Tri-State Area. It’s a goal that helps him move past the things that happened to him when he was younger, and he gets to control exactly what he does. 

Even though most of his inventions end up failures, it’s still nice for him to be able to have some control over the things in his life. 

Perry’s just here to make sure Heinz doesn’t end up overpowering the entire Tri-State Area (which he could actually probably do, if he wanted to). 

They’re really more alike than Perry ever thought they were. 

Years ago, if anybody had told him that he’d end up relating more to his nemesis this much, if anybody had told him that he’d be trying to save his nemesis from a different dimension, he’d have laughed it off. 

But here he is, relating to his nemesis and fighting to get him back.

He’d better get back to building. Maybe now that he’s got fresh eyes and a little bit less of a headache, he can figure out what was going wrong. 

The stairs to the lab are slightly worn in the middle. Perry wonders if this lab used to be another evil scientist’s before Heinz moved in. 

It might have been. This building certainly has history. 

When Perry sits back in front of the -inator, looking over the blueprints again, he realizes the issues he’s been having all along are easily fixable. Nothing is fitting right because he _forgot to convert the units._

To be fair, it isn’t _really_ his fault. Most of the measurements are listed in metric units, so he assumed they all were. But there are a few that are in imperial, for some reason, and he completely ignored all the unit signs. 

Still, that explains a lot. 

Thankfully, it won’t take much to fix everything. Just a few calculations and re-cuts. He won’t even have to rebuild anything from scratch. 

Which is a good thing, considering that he only has half an hour left. 

Still, what a difference a break can make. It turns out, if he doesn’t work himself into the ground, he can work much better. 

He sighs. Although it’s true, talk about an anvil of an Aesop. Forced fable much?

Eh, every good story needs a moral. A lesson, a theme. Candace is always complaining about her English teachers making them do theme and moral things every year, but every good story has one. 

And if this were a work of fiction, “take breaks and you work better” would probably be it. 

That, or something like “don’t let your nemesis pull other people out of other dimensions”. 

Before he even realizes it, the -inator is almost done. 

He takes a deep breath. This is it. The final reckoning. If this works, Heinz will pop back up in the lab, unharmed. 

If it doesn’t, he won’t appear. Or he’ll show up dead. Or on fire. (Or maybe dead _and_ on fire.)

Perry doesn’t quite know which of those outcomes is worse, so he’s going to hope that everything ends alright. 

There’s only two minutes left. There won’t be any time for a redo. 

Carefully, he sets the dials to “one life-form” and the last dimension they were in. 

All he needs now is a bit of DNA. (Perry considers it rather strange that the DNA thing ended up pulling four _cis_ versions of him out of other dimensions, but that’s dimensional science, he supposes. The science _does_ seem rather dubious.) 

He can just go and grab Heinz’s toothbrush. That’ll work. 

One minute and thirty seconds left. He races back down to Heinz’s bathroom and grabs his toothbrush. 

One minute. He shoves the toothbrush into the DNA chute and triple checks the settings. 

Thirty seconds. He plugs the -inator into the wall and rushes back to the -inator. 

With seventeen seconds left to go, Perry pulls the switch. 

The lab floods with green light, and he covers his eyes. 

_Please work. Please, please, please._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just had to fit in one last cliffhanger. >:D
> 
> Hey, if you're reading this in the future when this fic is all done in the middle of the night on a fic binge, do me a favor and go drink a glass of water or leave a comment or smth before you read the last chapter. Or don't, I don't control you.


	23. Endings and Beginnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter! Are you guys ready for this to be over? Ngl, I kind of am, it's been fun but also a _lot_ of writing xD
> 
> TW's: None

_One and a half years ago, Major Francis Monogram assigned Perry a new nemesis. Despite his protests, the Major insisted, claiming that he’d “still have time to go on other missions and see his family.”_

_One and a half years ago, Perry the Platypus listened, peeved, as Major Monogram lied through his teeth._

_Perry grumbles as he scribbles his way through another report. Time to go on other missions? See his family? Bah. He’s barely done either in the past month- and he lives with his family! His nemesis is seriously more trouble than he’s worth._

_And he’s not even good at evil science. Today’s yodel-inator was perhaps the most stupid invention in the history of evil science. Perry was able to thwart it with a party blower, that’s how stupid it was._

_Perhaps that’s only the second most stupid invention. The first place invention has to have been the Dance-inator. One good shot and he was dancing uncontrollably. And with his nemesis, no less. What a mess that day was._

_But he still couldn’t shake the indescribable feeling of giddiness that came when he got hit with the ray and pulled Heinz into a quick-step, nor the fact that the feeling lingered for far too long to be considered anything friendly._

_Even in his lair, filling out today’s paperwork, he can’t stop the flush of color that rises into his cheeks at the memory, or the indescribable giddy rush of butterflies in his stomach._

_Why does he even feel this way? He’s only ever felt like this, nervous in the best way possible, a few times before. When he’s had feelings for someone. (Not like that ever ends well.)_

_And there’s no way he has feelings for his nemesis. That would be entirely unprofessional. Perry prides himself on his ability to separate his work from his feelings._

_Yes, there’s no way he has feelings for Doctor Doofenshmirtz. No matter how handsome he is, no matter how much Perry likes to spend time with hi-_

_Oh._

_Oh no._

_The pen falls out of his grip as his hand stills. It can’t be. This can’t possibly happen to him. He’s Agent P, OWCA’s best US operative. He can’t possibly have fallen for an evil scientist, especially not the most incompetent evil scientist in the entire Tri-State Area._

_As a general rule, agents do not fall for evil scientists. It’s practically in the handbook of Being A Secret Agent. One does not simply pull a Genghis Khan, no matter how much one wants to have an elaborate dance sequence with a cute villain._

_(He stalwartly ignores the part of him that wants to call his nemesis cute.)_

_And yet, there’s a part of him that likes the way his heart beats just a bit faster when his nemesis is around..._

* * *

Slowly, the green light clears. Perry blinks the spots away from his vision, fighting the urge to look up. Not yet.

For a few excruciating seconds, nothing happens. 

Then there’s a few coughs, and…

“Perry?”

He snaps his head up.

There, standing in the middle of the lab, is Heinz Doofenshmirtz, holding half of the portal gun in one hand. 

His lab coat is singed a bit around the bottom hem, but his body seems unharmed. He’s also holding a toothbrush, which he chucks aside along with the portal gun half, causing a loud crashing noise and a cat to yowl. 

He laughs at Perry’s startled expression. “Don’t worry, that’s just my cat-and-crash-noise-inator.”

Perry shakes his head, grinning. He doesn’t care what made the noise (although it’s a relief to know that no _actual_ animals were harmed). All he cares about is the fact that Heinz is safe. He’s standing right there, a silly grin on his face, completely undamaged. 

He’s back. He’s really, actually, _back_ , and he’s _safe_ and he’s _right here_. Perry takes one step towards Heinz, then another and another until he’s running and crashing into Heinz and hugging him so close he gasps for breath. 

Heinz pulls back just a little bit, a hint of a giddy smile on his face. “You did it,” he whispers. “You actually did it.”

Perry nods. He can’t quite believe it either, but they’re back in their dimension, _together_. (And the universe didn’t implode, which is always a plus.)

“How did you do it?”

Perry points back towards the cobbled-together dimensional -inator. _It self-destructed, but I was able to rebuild it._

“You-you rebuilt an entire -inator to bring me back.” Heinz pauses, frowning. “Why?”

To answer that (rather ridiculous) question, Perry merely rises up and kisses Heinz solidly. Hopefully that can clear things up without a need for words or sign. 

Heinz reciprocates in kind for a brief moment before he pulls back, shaking his head. 

“You brought me back so you could get an answer for me kissing you?” Good lord, how is Heinz this dense?

Before Perry can clear anything up, he sighs. “I knew I shouldn’t have done that. There’s no excuse. I shouldn’t have made you practically bring me back from the dead to get answers.”

Perry just stares. Is this for real?

“I’m sorry,” Heinz says, staring at the ground. 

Perry raises an eyebrow. _Why?_

“Because you like somebody else, why else? I don’t want to dictate your life. You like somebody else, I’m just an idiot with a crush. I don’t need to be anything more than your nemesis.”

Okay, this is ridiculous. _What if I want to date you?_ Perry asks. 

“What if- Perry, that’s absurd. It’s not fair to the guy you actually like. Go tell him already, don’t make this worse than it has to be.”

Perry huffs. Heinz is the most oblivious idiot he knows, and that’s a _very_ low bar. _No, Heinz, I like you,_ he signs once he knows Heinz is watching. 

_That’s what I was trying to say earlier,_ he continues, _I was just being vague when I should have said it straight up. There’s nobody else. It’s you, it’s always been you._ He smiles, his face turning warm. _I love you, Heinz._

Heinz’s eyes go wide, and he stumbles over his words for a moment. “You really do? You’re not joking? You-you love me?” The _why_ is more implied, his voice unsteady and unsure. 

Perry nods. _Of course I do. How could I not?_ He pauses, noting how Heinz is about to retort with something self-deprecating. _Don’t answer that. But the truth is, I do love you. I’ve loved you for years._

A small smile slips onto Heinz’s face. “I know I already said it back in the other dimension, but I love you too.” He pauses, his face turning an endearing shade of red. “And, uh, I’d really like to kiss you again. If that’s, um, a thing you want?”

Perry grins. _It definitely is._

With that, he leans up and winds his arms around Heinz’s neck, pulling him down to plant a kiss on his lips. 

Heinz hums into the kiss, smiling a bit against Perry’s lips and wrapping his arms around Perry’s chest. 

He lifts Perry up a bit, spinning them around in a little circle, causing Perry to laugh a bit in surprise. 

“What?” he asks, a hint of a laugh in his voice when Perry looks up at him. “I’ve always wanted to do that, spin you around like that.” He pauses, lost in thought. “I mean, I thought it was platonic for the longest time. Jeez, I’m really oblivious, huh?”

Perry laughs. _Tell me about it._

“Oh!” Heinz exclaims. “You- before we crashed, you were actually telling me that you liked me. And I thought you were just practicing or something. I’m really kind of an oblivious idiot, aren’t I?”

Perry shrugs. _You might be an oblivious idiot, but you’re my oblivious idiot._

Heinz laughs. “And you’re my stubborn boyfriend.” He pauses, awkward. “That’s what this is, right? That’s what we are?”

Perry nods, smiling. Finally, Heinz gets it. _Boyfriends_ , he signs.

Heinz’s smile lights up his entire face, and he kisses Perry again. This time, Perry allows himself to melt into his arms, letting the stress and emotion of the past few days wash over him. 

“Perry?” Heinz asks, breaking the kiss. “You’re kind of trembling, is everything okay?”

Perry shrugs. He’s not sure. Kissing Heinz like this is rather nice, but he’s also exhausted from the events of the day. It didn’t seem too bad at the time, but running through all those dimensions while carrying Heinz on his back left him drained. Then having to build the -inator on a time crunch left his mind frayed, and now the adrenaline is wearing off. 

“Here, you must be cold,” Heinz says, taking his lab coat off and handing it to Perry. “I know _I_ always get cold after our fights, it’s all the adrenaline leaving. And you must have been running on fumes while you were building already, huh?”

Perry nods, accepting the lab coat and pulling it on. He’s caught a bit off guard when Heinz picks him up, fully lifting him off the ground this time, one arm under his knees and the other around his back. 

At Perry’s rather undignified squeak, Heinz laughs. “You look like you’re about to collapse, and we can’t have that.” He looks around the lab, his eyes falling on the sofa in the corner. “Stay a bit, before you go home, get some of your energy back.”

 _As long as you stay with me,_ Perry signs. Intellectually, he knows that Heinz is safe and home, but maybe he needs to convince himself just a bit more. 

“I’d never leave,” Heinz says, and Perry knows that he means more than just this moment. 

As Heinz sets Perry down, he laughs to himself. “You know, five hundred years really can’t come soon enough.”

Perry narrows his eyes, not even bothering to churr his disapproval. No matter how much effort Heinz puts into his -inators, no matter how much he wants to follow their routine, they are _not_ going through this again. 

Heinz laughs as he sits down next to Perry. “Kidding, kidding. I wouldn’t do that to you.” 

Perry sighs in relief and tucks himself into Heinz’s side, getting comfortable so he can go to sleep. He said earlier that he was going to take a nap once this adventure was all over. Well, it’s finally over now, so he’s going to take this opportunity to finally _take an uninterrupted nap_. 

Heinz presses a soft kiss to his forehead, wrapping his arm around Perry’s shoulders. Perry smiles, his eyes already almost closed. 

There’s still a lot of weirdness left to process from this whole adventure, but all that matters right now is that they’re safe, together and happy. 

And really, who could ask for more? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's a wrap!
> 
> Thank you guys so much for sticking through this (totally self-indulgent) mess-terpiece, I love you all <3
> 
> (Next project: Perryshmirtz week!)

**Author's Note:**

> Perspective masterlist (by request): 
> 
> Ch 1-3: Original!Perry
> 
> Ch4: Platy!Perry
> 
> Ch5: Perryborg
> 
> Ch6: Teacher!Perry
> 
> Ch7-8: Original!Perry
> 
> Ch9: Perryborg
> 
> Ch10:Original!Perry
> 
> Ch11: Lab coat!Perry
> 
> Ch12: Platy!Perry
> 
> Ch13: Original!Perry
> 
> Ch14: Teacher!Perry
> 
> Ch15: Heinz
> 
> Ch16: Teacher!Perry
> 
> Ch17: Lab coat!Perry
> 
> Ch18: Original!Perry
> 
> Ch19: Heinz
> 
> Ch20-23: Original!Perry
> 
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!
> 
> (Oh, and feel free to come talk to me [here](https://humanperryfic.tumblr.com/).)


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